To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Absolutely this! It’s not HIS inheritance, it’s her money.

do sympathise with Xmas though. She sounds like my mother, and I find it hard work she sits on her phone instead of spending time with the grandkids she hardly sees

@Calliopespa agree people spend far more on flights esp thinking about taxi to airport , or parking car ,airport expenses

agree

'DH doesn't have to do an 8 hour day drive to get her he can meet her half way ,her by train ,he can drive '

The dh can't drive.

I'm sorry, I think YABU.

Your kids are precious to you. Your husband is precious to her. Families are complicated and aren't always picture perfect.

I think you've got into a very negative mindset about her. When I heard your perspective about her being emotionally dependent on her son, having chosen not to move on find a new partner, not having worked, maybe being too anxious to use public transport and willing to spend so much on a taxi to avoid...I think of so many fragile older women, lonely, poor mental health. I recognise it will be hard, but some of that is due to a negative mindset, that her actions really irritate you. I really think you need to see her from a different perspective, put her at ease and accept her as your family and have her for Christmas.

I can't begin to comment on your 'spending his inheritance' . comment. You treat her like she has no value.

Not unreasonable that you don’t want to wait or her/entertain her when you’re dealing with 2 very young children. Absolutely gross that you’re viewing her money as your husbands inheritance. I lost my dad almost 2 years ago & inherited a big house-I’d rather have my dad back & rent a flat for the rest of my days….

You have every right to a Christmas alone but I don't understand how difficult you are making it sound but then are prepared to invite her 3 weeks earlier at the start of December.

You'll still have the coughing due to dry throat, the arriving at 5pm, the unhelpfulness and having to go to bed at 7pm.

Whenever she visits you need to make changes.

Kindly, if you are not in a lot 5pm she can wait. Your DH can WFH and be there.

If she wants a drink let her get one.
If she wants a sandwich DP can make her one.

Find her a different taxi number.

Take turns going to bed at 7pm or keep new baby downstairs for longer.

You sound just as awkward as she is.

Also, she doesn't sound well. She clearly has anxiety. Could it be her MH that means she doesn't clean her home or herself properly? If she has spare cash would she accept a cleaner?

In between visitor stop phoning every day. These are the boundaries you need to instil.

And if she isn't with you on Christmas day don't spend time calling etc, enjoy your day and leave her to enjoy herself. Again boundaries.

My Mum can drive but for example a recent hospital appointment advised that she not drive to it, so she half used the bus and walked the rest of the way and then decided to walk on the way home.
She then the next day could barely walk and when I asked why she hadn’t just booked a taxi she started on about how she was saving the money….
My Mum is the same age as your MIL and I would say the last 2-3 years I have noticed a bit of a lack of confidence, this is a woman that used to go travelling on her own, worked full time etc but there is a bit of an uncertainty there that wasn’t there before.
My parents are not together anymore however my Dad who is a year older is very fit, active and capable, his siblings are all into the their 80’s and 90’s and have their full set of marbles.
You can’t compare your MIL to other people of a similar age, it sounds like your MIL suffers with anxiety/mental health issues and you need to factor that it in.
Everyone is saying that you are reasonable not to host, my original post says just to tell her and make other plans however for some reason you are continuing to basically say how pathetic and helpless she is….

You mean with your first you'd mostly sit in the dark together at 7pm, and only be downstairs if you had a guest. Being honest, that's totally weird. Having baby downstairs, fine. Taking turns at going up early, a bit excessive, but whatever. Both of you going to bed at 7 - NUTS!

When baby was old enough to be disturbed by TV (4m ish), we'd have her upstairs with a video monitor.

Christmas is a time for family. Shes obviously dedicated her life to raising her son. Who must have been a child when she was widowed.
Don't underestimate how hard it must be to be a lone parent. Nobody to share the highs or lows of parenting. Nobody to give you a night off or share the football run.

You seem to think she should just have got back into dating but thats probably not easy to do when you have a child to consider. She is probably still grieving her beloved husband.

Statistics are few women widowed over the age of 40 will remarry.

I think I'd be embarrassed and hurt if my kid said they didn't want me at Christmas. Would you do that to your own mother?

Don't you think it is unkind to expect your DIL to be a skivvy because you can't even be arsed to switch the TV on or get a glass of water.

And the OP's husband doesn't drive.

The MIL sounds manipulative, lazy and narcissistic.

Don't you think it is unkind to expect your DIL to be a skivvy because you can't even be arsed to switch the TV on or get a glass of water.

And the OP's husband doesn't drive.

The MIL sounds manipulative, lazy and narcissistic.

@Gloriia why does she need to "be nice". The MIL isn't nice by the sounds of e.g. judgemental of OP's parenting, lazy, thoughtless, demanding etc

Why would he spend his limited leave doing that?! 2 days used up each for Easter, Christmas, birthdays? She can get the train but doesn't want to

I can sympathise with you until you said you can host her for a couple of days earlier in Dec - when your baby is even younger. You seem determined not to host her at Christmas when she will feel her most lonliest and vulnerable.
So she doesn’t make her own breakfast even after you tell her. So don’t make it for her and just let it be.
I have a MIL similar to yours and she used to live with us. Now thankfully she is in an annex so don’t come across her day to day.
my DH panders to her. I let him as he is an only child and very fond of his mother. Doesn’t really impact me any more. She was helpful with the kids though when they were young. Now they are young adults and help my husband pander to her

Yeah "It's her money" "she can spend it how she likes" blah blah

untill she's older and needs a care home which costs ALOT then there's funeral costs when she passes away (harsh but we don't live forever) but sorry no cash as it was spent on taxis 🤦🏼‍♀️ who does it fall on then? Her only son. And like poster Said she hasn't worked and goes on fancy holidays. Maybe at the beginning but it's been 30 years!!!!

My mum is very much for her grandchildren and would be putting £350.00 away foe their future instead of blowing it on taxis!!!!! And I'll be the same with my grandkids one day. We are very much for family.

But again it's her cash. Just remember money doesn't last!!

😂😂 still can't believe you guys are justifying her spending 350 on a taxis 😂😂

She is paying hundreds to visit them, thst doesn't sound lazy or thoughtless to me.

The op doesn't like her that seems obvious. Not being able to turn the telly on is not being lazy. My own dm struggles with all our various remote controls.

She needs to 'be nice' because she keeps referring to her mils wellbeing in a very negative hyper critical way. She has said it is sad to see her 'shrink', she hasn't she has just got a little bit older.

Someone critiquing your outfit in any circumstance is rude at best, but postpartum is beyond belief- that alone would put me off inviting her 🤦‍♀️

Also, I complete agree that relieving yourself from the pressures of hosting during those early newborn days is essential. If I were you, I’d be googling which takeaways were open on Christmas 😂

Gosh I wish my in laws gave money instead of adding more toys to my cluttered house and buying stocking fillers and crap from boots 3 for 2 that I don’t need or like. I hate gift giving for the sake of it.

She visited for the bank holiday weekend while I'm 37wks pregnant and watched me rush around cooking her dinners and doing everything for her

Hold on, where's your husband in all this? Why is he watching his 37 week pregnant wife rushing round serving his mum? He should be doing it.

Whatever you decide about Christmas and/or Easter you should be telling him in no uncertain terms that he will be the one doing the extra work to look after her. If you are guilted persuaded to do it, don't lose your rag - just don't run round after her and try to "grey rock" the fallout.

I consider myself a hospitable person but my in-laws, not just mil but wider in laws are not the type to offer to help.. honestly after a while it just ends up feeling insulting. I'm not a servant FFS...offer to take your plate to the sink or clear up the table. I'm not staff

There's more drip feeding on this thread than a leaky kitchen tap.

Christmas is a time for family. Shes obviously dedicated her life to raising her son. Who must have been a child when she was widowed.
Don't underestimate how hard it must be to be a lone parent. Nobody to share the highs or lows of parenting. Nobody to give you a night off or share the football run.
As your parents are sadly dead, the only opportunity to show your DC how families support each other when one member is alone, vulnerable or getting older is via your MIL. I believe you reap what you sow...