To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Missing the point completely….

Oh bore off. It's a very common phrase to describe having a difficult time with young babies. Take it up with the English language but this is not OP's fault, I've read it here dozens of times!!

And for the record, 12 weeks was the absolute worst time of my life with a baby. Babies are still sleeping in 90 minute chunks, are still spending hours and hours breastfeeding, crying for no reason and there is absolutely no end in sight. Everyone I know found it a very difficult age. So yeah, OP is allowed to use perfectly normal English phrases to describe the shitshow of a 12 week baby + toddler.

So if she has issues with her mental health then everyone needs to run themselves ragged at Christmas. But she can garden, travel etc the other 50 or 51 weeks of the year? She's retired and hasn't worked for an eternity so she hardly needs a rest 🤣

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

I had some sympathy for you up till this point. Now I think YABVVU. And graspy and entitled. She is NOT technically spending your DH’s inheritance. She is spending her own money. On what she chooses to. As she should as it’s HER money. I hope she spends it all and leaves you nothing. What are you doing, waiting for her to die so you can cash in? What an awful attitude.

You really need to take a good hard look at yourselves over this. You don’t see her often because it will reduce your inheritance if you do? That’s absolutely disgusting.

You are not being unreasonable, but at the same time she sounds like a vulnerable person. She reminds me of my mother-in-law, though luckily mine wouldn’t dream of being hosted by us. Your DH needs to put his foot down and say no.

Still contradicting aren’t you because you said in a previous post that her friends talker her out of being capable and confident so she is now like them and too scared to go anywhere which makes me wonder - who has she been going on all of these holidays and walking trips with if all her friends are too scared and if she is no longer capable and confident (at all it seems from your other post not ‘when she wants to be’) then she isn’t ’spending money on holidays’, meaning your original inheritance comment stands and you are, indeed, a total money grabber, and if she is only just putting on the anxiety for the sake of getting a taxi to visit you (and god knows why she would want to the sound of both of you) then she wouldn’t be too scared to go on a cruise would she?

Exactly.

And MIL has been very critical of us in the past about various parenting decisions so she's not someone you want around when you are right in the middle of all the chaos.

No. An incredibly small number of babies have died (thankfully), and it's a good general principle to have. But you really can't be welded to it with 2 children. It just doesn't work.

I'm not a 'chuck them in their own room as newborns' mum btw. My children were in my room until 12m, and my 6yo is back to sleeping in with me. My 6yo rear faced until last year. I'm hot on safety. But there's also common sense.

Have baby on you, or in a moses basket downstairs at 3m (it's what we did). But you won't be there ALL the time when they sleep. You can't obsess over that. It just won't work or you'll worry yourself sick.

Exactly. Even when DH moved out at 18 she didn't get a job. She's been retired for decades.

I cannot believe that she arrives at 5pm every time she visits after a 4 hour journey. Crikey, my DD lives about 25 miles away, and it can take me anything between 40 and 90 minutes to make the journey even when I set off at the same time.
Just text her before you leave for nursery if she’s not arrived and tell her where you’ve hidden the door key.

Oh, I get you (I think). Do you mean that she did travel the world once, but is now more reclusive?

You sound very unreasonable and grabby. Moaning about your toddler being given money and spending your DH’s inheritance???

My mum is widowed and there is absolutely no way I wouldn’t see her at Christmas even if it meant staying with me for a week.

I’ve been a single parent for nearly 5 years now and I can assure you that I have moved on even if I haven’t immediately shacked up with another man like society expects. Maybe your MIL was too busy bringing up a child on her own to have the time or headspace to look around. I don’t blame her for choosing to remain single, good for her.

If you don’t see her very much it’s not surprising she’s not confident helping with or looking after young children.

If her spending her OWN money on taxis is keeping you up at night, go visit her for a change.

I think you are mixing up many things that don't matter with what does. What matters is it is too much with a new baby etc. How she gets there, how she spends her money doesn't matter.

Is there a compromise? Could she stay at a local hotel or B&B and she spends a portion of each day with you all? DH goes to get her after breakfast, she has lunch with you all, time with family and then he returns her after an early tea? That way you have your own space for 16+ hrs each day?

I was widowed over 4 yrs ago, a few months short of my 61st birthday. I don't intend to remarry or to find a partner.

It occurs to me, by the way, that if the MIL had found someone else that the 'inheritance' might be lost completely (unless the OP lives in Scotland).

In fact, it might all go to care home fees.

I've no children. My cousins have told me to spend my money on myself. They've been encouraging me to use it on holidays, etc.

I didn't worry myself sick last time and usually we would have baby asleep with us downstairs if we had the occasional friend over for an evening. But we are taking more than just an evening, and at 12 weeks they're not in a routine, they are still in the doing what they like when they like. Which is developmentally normal.

I also had two under two with no family support and yes, obviously it's a very difficult time, but of course it's a hyperbolic expression to use for that situation.

And like many PPs, it's some of the beliefs that the OP has expressed that have made others question things and shift from being on her side (her original post could have been reasonable).

Blaming the MIL for, amongst other things:

1. Not remarrying
2. Not getting a job
3. Spending her own money on taxis
4. Not falling into line with how she imagined a MIL should be
5. Having MH issues

I don’t imagine it would be easy to get a job after an 18 year break. And there’s very little motivation if you don’t need the money.

Yes - slowly but surely and it's so sad to see someone who was full of life slowly shrink.
We are at the end of our tether of course after years of gentle gentle, try this try that, could you get professional help, could we get the train with you, could we do xyz to enable you to manage better.
It is exhausting but we've done it because we wanted to, but for one Christmas we'll opt out.

But it's not your inheritance is it, it's her money to do with what she wants. Let her spend it all if she wants it's got nothing to do with you.

I think you've had the patience of a saint to put up with it for this long tbh! Definitely not unreasonable to not host her this year when you have a newborn and actually I'd be rethinking how you do things in the coming years too as it doesn't seem like she's helping provide a nice atmosphere for your DD.

Oh and I think the main reason you are getting a hard time is you are mixing reasonable objections (she judges your parenting, won't help at all with anything, you've got two small children and a lot on) with objections about things that are none of your business/are mean and judgemental (she's spending your inheritance, she doesn't get to you via the right transportation, she needs a wee, she didn't encourage your Dh to drive as a teen so he still can't drive in his mid 30s, she didn't remarry after being widowed, she was a SAHM).

Stop being at 'the end of your tether', 'drained' 'exhausted' whatever. Just be nice.

I bet your obvious disdain makes her a million times worse.

Omg re car seat !!

DH doesn't have to do an 8 hour day drive to get her
He can meet her half way ,her by train ,he can drive and sleep the night and bring her back the next day
It sounds like she needs some support and care
Perhaps he can really help and someone to take an interest
If you did all go up you would do what every other family does with long distance relatives and make regular stops and stay somewhere to break up the journey or make the visit s mini break .

She sounds v depressed and low self esteem

If he did something kind like that he may also be able to have a gentle chat about her helping out.

say that this Christmas its just going to be you 4 as you need the time together just as parents

That's what I wouldn't say. It sounds calculated to make her feel excluded.

I'd be more inclined to say we will be very caught up with such a young baby so unable to host very well. She would need to organise her own cups of tea etc. Up to her then if she feels she can get a drink or not.

But OP there are a few things in your post that sound quite harsh. Why shouldn't she get a taxi if she finds that easier. People spend £350 on flights to see family. It's her money. And quite honestly, as one ages, door to door is hugely convenient. She'd be up for the train cost anyway, and it saves you collecting her from the station and dropping her back so I'd just stay my tongue on that one. Win-win.

It also jarred when you said she has "chosen not to move on and find a new partner."

She isn't obliged to shack up with someone just to keep her DIL's hands free at Christmas. There are lots of reasons people don't - and some perfectly good ones among them. Moreover, sometimes they have tried and it didn't work out. But that comment came across to me as trying to blacken her unfairly.

@KatMansfield6 agree and what ops mentions are quite unpleasant aren't they