To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

We have had Christmas at home ourselves for years. We don't have anyone over. I have DH and four DC so the table is full. My own DM likes to be waited on hand and foot. That's not my idea of rest and relaxation at Christmas. We see them usually at some time over the Christmas break but not Christmas Day.

OP just do what suits yourselves over Christmas. It's your day. Find a compromise but discuss now well in advance so your MIL has time to make alternative arrangements.

"She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money."

Bloody Hell!

Yep - we are both signed up to multiple apps and paid so they'll automatically book one in. There's not been any tests.
Nobody is more frustrated about it than us I assure you!

Not ignorant, just common sense.
Take regular breaks, be vigilant, but no need to be completely restrictive to 30 exact minutes.

I can't believe there are people who are proud for ignoring car seat rules or safe sleep.
Don't they realise these have come out because so many kids have died...

How is it possible you know more than all the car safety experts in the world?

She doesn't live locally.

Easy:
DH to mum “hey mum, we’re booked up at Christmas, so can only put you up from Christmas Eve to the 27th. I’ll drive you home that morning to save on spending (my inheritance) your money. Things might be a bit different this year what with having another baby so you’re going to have to help out - can you bring the ingredients for a trifle?”

The more I read, the more bizarre you sound. Did I actually read this right - you and dh are both going to bed at 7pm every night so that the baby is not left alone? Really? Actually really? 🤯🤯

Following safe sleep isn't a huge hardship to us.
There's a reason they say they can't sleep in their own room including for daytime naps, and that's because lots and lots of babies have died.
We also wear seatbelts in the car and follow other mainstream guidance that is recommended by experts.

My DDs send me links to what the grandchildren want for their birthday / Christmas. It saves me buying the wrong thing or a duplicate, and means the GC get exactly what they want. My MIL used to buy me ‘thoughtful’ presents. The sentiment was lovely, but the presents were crap. Maybe your MIL doesnt like the presents you buy her?

Apparently it’s so they can be together. Why they can’t be together downstairs with the sleeping baby appears to be something of a mystery.

OP, you are NOT being unreasonable, nor do you strike me as an unreasonable person given your very measured responses to some of the absolutely moronic replies you’ve gotten!

Of course you have every right to say no to having your MIL over for Christmas- even if she was the most helpful, incredible, involved grandparent on the planet, you would still have a right to say no.

While having a 12 week old and a toddler is going to be amazing, we can’t deny the reality that it will also be exhausting and the last thing you and your DH need is to be running around after an adult child 🙄

She sounds like a nightmare, and you sound like you’ve gone above and beyond to accommodate her for the last 10 years.

I hope you have a gorgeous first Christmas as a family of 4 xx

Yeah you're not supposed to leave babies under 6M to sleep on their own. Is this the first you're hearing of it?!?

@Wisher88 the comprehension and retention of information by some posters on this thread needs some work!

They are hardly niche and new. I have toddlers and they weren't new when they were born

Yes it's hard work. But you'll be on maternity leave.

Next Christmas you'll be back at work and having a 1 and 3 year old...

This Christmas should be relatively chill.

I was thinking the same re the 'In the trenches' expression... I know it's a common phrase, but I'm not sure when or how it came into being.

I hadn't really thought about it much before, but I'm currently reading a lot of WW1 books and perhaps combined with the OP's hyperbolic use of it has made me wonder whether it's actually appropriate.

I have a very odd MIL who similarly does no childcare, lives at a distance, and is solely dependent on us (divorced, estranged from SIL). It's not unusual to have complicated rather than perfect relatives. I have a baby and older children. Last Christmas my baby was under a week old and she was with us for two weeks. I'd hate to spend Christmas alone, and she does have to on the years we go see my DM (also complicated and divorced). She is always welcome. I work hard to manage my irritation with her sometimes bonkers behaviour, my DH does a lot of firm communication of boundaries and we ignore a lot. If she was nasty I would struggle but like your MIL it's less nastiness and more eccentricity (in some areas almost identical behaviour). Its not just perfect relatives who deserve love and care,

Jesus expected a great deal or service, and demanded that we prioritize ourselves rather less. If you're celebrating Christmas, even as an atheist, it seems odd to ignore that altogether --otherwise what/who are you celebrating?

This is my take too.

A 12 week old and a 2yr old will be hard work yes. Does the 2yr old go to nursery?

Thing is you've got a husband who isn't very practical or assertive as he can't even drive. He clearly struggles with the dynamic having a very anxious dm so does what many people do and does nothing, just criticises behind their backs.

Have this Christmas just the 4 of you but going forward try and cope with it better. If she arrives at 5pm and needs a wee then so what, if she can't turn the telly on so what?

Both of you go into the new year trying to be kinder but a bit more constructive too trouble shooting wise.

Oh give over OP. Do you honestly believe every household goes to bed at 7pm, ok trotting upstairs to bed down for the night? Really? You’ve not heard of baby monitors, regular checking etc? But, probably not, given that you also believe and live by the 30 minute car seat ‘rule’. Not forgetting of course, the fact that in 5 years you’ve not been able to book a driving test 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I felt bad for you until I read this. No she’s not spending your husband’s inheritance- that is a truly awful, selfish and money grabbing view from you. That is her money to spend exactly how she pleases and no one should ever expect to receive or feel entitled to inheriting anything. Now I just think you sound judgemental and grabby.

Thank you so much 🫶

I agree - we deserve one Christmas off. And I say off, we will be running round after two little people. It'll also mean we can decide to just have a microwave dinner on Christmas day if we fancy it rather than disappointing MIL who is annoyed at the sight of unironed tracky bottoms 😂.

I remember two days post partum calling MIL and her criticising the fact I was in my pyjamas. As it happens I'd had a shower and put on brand new pyjamas. She's lucky really as two days post section and getting into breastfeeding I was usually naked. I was so pleased I'd got up and showered and got it together too.
I think you really remember how people treat you in those first few days and a lot of my reluctance is from how critical she was of us as new parents.

You found the inheritance comments reasonable?

This ☝️ you do sound a bit jean to me, looking for an excuse to refuse her visit. You too may be old and a bit needy one day.