To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

For the week?

It does doesn't it.

I really cannot believe in this era of mental health awareness we have such terms as 'nervous wreck' mentioned and sneering about her mils behaviour.

Oh have we had a visit from the thread police? I must have missed it. Oh well, I'm sure my fine is in the post.

If I read the phrase "heavily pregnant" one more time I am going to lose it. Can't you use "decisively expecting" or "my bun in the oven has risen to gargantuan proportions"?😂

The point is she's not struggling to do things. She's capable and lives on her own. As you've said, you wouldn't have people running after you and not lift a finger. It's just being a good guest.

5pm on 24th to am on 27th isn't "the week" and I don't know why you're persisting in pretending it is.

Hahaha yes that's certainly how it feels :)

My parents used to come for a week. There were at least eight of us on Christmas Day and more on Boxing Day. We used to sleep on an airbed so they could have our bed. I really miss those Christmases.

Indeed, it's very hard to see many posts accusing this lady of being some kind of manipulative puppet master.

I have no doubts whatsoever that she is probably a huge pain to be around at times. But I can also safely say that a life with anxiety or other MH difficulties is not one that anyone would choose for themselves.

i agree a week is long but then it’s a long way for her to come-
plan stuff for you guys-
get microwaveable meals in as you have a newbie baby
dh has to step in and entertain her more you deal with the kids or swap or share or half and half

and yes be quietly assertive with a smile and say this is what we’re doing
hell if she annoys you that much give her timetable of what and when things are happening and let dh take charge -

she annoys you fair enough I’m too old in this game with 4 kids and too many bloody relations who come and stay for me to not actually say ok this is what’s happening - you’ll feel empowered - but the onus is on your DH - not you I’m just saying to save your sanity -
if the tv is an issue or you want to do different things - have an extra tv/ tablet etc buy in the sales so she can do her own thing

She usually comes a week. Last year we insisted on three nights only. There was a lot of protest and complaining about it.
A week was a climb down as she used to expect to see us the full two weeks.

@Wisher88 Sending sympathy as she sounds just like my mother and lm in a similar situation to you. I'm declining to host anyone this year as lm sick of running round after everyone else. Especially my mums laziness and selfishness. I'm used to the "crying" if things don't suit. You could have years of this if you aren't careful and personally l want to at least enjoy a Christmas with my young children and not be treated like the help. Instinct says it won't be the last time l decline to host

The taxi thing makes me think she really wants you to pick her up and drop her back. Don't bite! It's her choice if she won't get the train. "Wants immediate feeding when she arrives" is she a small child?! It's ALL about her isn't it. I would work from the office on her arrival day so she can't just roll up when she feels like it. Yeah, she's probably used to having things exactly her way living up on her own and no compromise. But she's confusing your husbands home with her home; she thinks she's top dog as she's his mum and calling the shots. She's not and she shouldn't.

Not sure why people are being dismissive about a 12 week old and a toddler -that's far into the trenches of parenting! The 30 minutes in the car for a baby of that age has been the guidelines for a while 🙄 You are hardly set in your ways, you are at a busy and intense phase in your life. Ok, she never had to work full time post children or even have more than 1 child but it's not a stretch to imagine life is busy

Oh and her bathroom thing is grim 🤮

'She's a nervous wreck. We have tried encouraging her to do things when she started saying she was too nervous, but it gets to the point where she refuses what can you do? Especially if she has many people around her who tell her it's too hard for her and it's easier to do xyz. They're not the ones at the end of the phone when she's calling because she thinks you've lost your baby because you didn't call for two days.'

You've said rather unkindly that she is a 'nervous wreck'. So she is struggling. She is anxious.

Tell her not to come but do try to do it kindly.

Yeah and we do all this, but we are thinking maybe for one holiday we don't? And we just enjoy any free time we might get outside of two kids, to just enjoy ourselves as it's our Christmas too. Work all year, unlike MIL, so a bit of time to ourselves is fair.

Op you perhaps have friends who get more help than you do from grandparents.

If you stay on MN long enough you will see many of us have no help.

For my part my dp and other relatives have been dependant on me and DH for various reasons for years before we had DC.
As their health declined it got very stressful. We hosted each parent ( divorced ) separately for at least a week at Xmas and Easter .

You keep mentioning why people have latched onto the inheritance but you said it's wasteful and you would see her more often if she didn't insist on.a taxi

Then you back tracked as if you care for her by saying it feeds into anxiety and Making her world smaller.
However staying longer with you and being involved in more over Xmas and of course more visits would help her and expand her world .

It's ok on MN not to like your mil.
I absolutely dislike mine and we don't see them at Xmas now.

However there is a very cold and calculated tone on the posts that says

.we don't care for her at all ,she's got absolutely no use to us at all in any way and we hope as a sahm loafing off fil all her life we hope she doesn't spend fils money before she dies.

Because I said it nicely and people kept asking why she wouldn't go on a cruise ship.

That is just as ignorant as saying "I have never used a seatbelt in my life, now I am 103, clearly it never did me harm"... I doubt that your total population of 2 is enough data to extrapolate anything.

So far we've had "nervous wreck" and"scared of own shadow" if this was a child or teenager the OP was posting about the . people would be falling over themselves to state that they are obviously suffering from anxiety and possibly not well. But because MIL is over 60 she's just fair game for a kicking.

I'm not suggesting you do it. As I said earlier it sounds miserable (but more with a toddler tbh). I just think it's important to note that you really aren't limited to 30 minute journeys, as that's something you seem to have misunderstood.

Keeping safe is important, but so is your sanity. Limiting yourself to 30 minute journeys and going to bed with baby at 7pm is madness. You're going to have to relax a bit given it's your second. I had to choose between my second not napping at all or having her in a seperate room for naps at 3m (she was noises sensitive despite our efforts to acclimatise). I'd have been a nervous wreck if I kept religiously to the sleep rule.

Oohhh
Ok let me think
what if dh pops up and sees her
or takes her for a special Xmas show
special Xmas lunch
or DH just says - sorry mum this year it will be just us
I’m grasping at straws now
🫣😱😱😱

Are you sure your DH is the beneficiary?

Is he signed up with an app? They scout automatically for cancellations and book for you. You can set criteria, like 'only weekends or after 6pm'.

My test was originally about 4m ahead, I signed up to an app and suddenly it was in 48hrs.

Btw I think being a widow is really terrible for some people ,I'm not sure i would want to be married or with someone again.
I hope my DC wouldn't hold this againt me

Yeah there's a lot of selective reading going on 😂. People just pick the bits they're offended by.
As you say, car seat safety isn't new!

And pretending that a 12 week old and a 2 yr old isn't hard work is just strange. Although they say it's only hard to be a good parent, and there people on here admitting they ignored car seat and safe sleep rules.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money

This is disgusting! She is spending her own money any way she chooses to! You’re putting off seeing her so that you can get a bit more of her money when she dies? Talk about grabby!