To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

I've known two people get tests this year and one last. And I do watch the news.

I mean I don’t see what the issue is- anyone can come to my home for Christmas I’ll get on with what I have to do -
OP with the greatest respect just use your assertive tone on her - job done

.its the unconsidered comments that tell you what's in someone's head.

Cruise Ships are full of older people ( many widowed) etc at Christmas as their generous children pay for them to have a luxury Christmas afloat. It’s all inclusive and food and drinks can be brought to cabins etc and she’ll meet people of her own age etc. Just a thought OP..,,
Alternatively find an air BnB close to your home for her to stay in so she can escape the boisterous children. You will collect her at appropriate times etc.

Yes and certainly shouldn't expect someone to host and not get off your arse to put your plate in the kitchen.

Quite.
I’m a young widow with only one DS (thanks to multiple mc) but I really don’t imagine a man in my life again.
Once he marries, I’d best plan to spend the remaining Christmases alone, with the light off and one candle lit, so I don’t waste their inheritance. 🙄

Yes hun we have the news.

Slots are limited but available. You book maybe 1yr in advance then cancellations come up.

Can your dh manage going on the internet?

I expect his mum wouldn’t allow it.

Oh op you sound so miserable and angry. What is really behind all this, have you any friends you can talk to?

This. Disgusting attitude. It's her money, she's still alive. She can spend it how she likes.

Never a truer word spoken in jest.

She's frightened to get on a train, she won't go on a cruise. I promise you we would absolutely love this for her. She's a nervous wreck.
We have tried encouraging her to do things when she started saying she was too nervous, but it gets to the point where she refuses what can you do? Especially if she has many people around her who tell her it's too hard for her and it's easier to do xyz. They're not the ones at the end of the phone when she's calling because she thinks you've lost your baby because you didn't call for two days.

You've misunderstood it.

Following the rules strict, It's 30 minutes have a break, maybe feed baby, change nappy, get baby out of car seat, and then back again for 30 minutes.

As I said though, the advice is on pretty dodgy footing. You'll note that it's not even the advice of the lullaby trust, though it is mentioned by sk.e NHS trusts.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/Car-seat-factsheet.pdf

It's dodgy enough that I felt comfortable enough to make my own judgements as my babies were term and healthy. In reality, breaks would be frequent, but if baby was asleep and we needed to travel, we did. I'd just sit in the middle if needs be to keep an eye on her breathing.

God I miss the laugh reaction button!

'She's a nervous wreck'

She has mental wellbeing issues. Please try and be kind and tolerant.

You'd let your adult children with young children of their own run around after you, and not even offer to wash up? No wonder you have such sympathy for her.

Life sounds incredibly tough for her.

I'm a DIL with a MIL who has one child, DH and there's only us. So don't worry, we're not all that grabbing - I think the OP and DH's attitude is disgusting.

I hear you, but four hours is still a very very long time for a 12wk old baby :)

I lost all sympathy when you said she was spending your husbands inheritance!

I'd wash up yes. However I have family who sometimes behave in ways differently to me, struggling with things that I find easy. The key is to enjoy being with people and if your dh has to get his finger out a bit more then so be it.

Are you looking forward to the new baby?

Agree re: “ Safe sleep routine” / car seat rules. My DC are 17 and 20. Both fit healthy young adults. We followed zero sleep routines or car seat rules.

Oh no we aren't allowed to bring that up a pp has announced!

If there were slots available he'd book it. There aren't slots.

I do drive with seat belt, sat nav, intuitive breaking ..... I have also driven tracked vehicles, 50 tonne full battle tank. I also ride a bicycle and have since 4 years old in London! I have brought up 2 healthy, self motivated and confident children, who have given me 5 healthy, self motivated and confident grandchildren. Any more information you need?