To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

@Wisher88

lol, why do both you and your husband need to go up to bed with baby at 7pm each night? That’s proper weird.

So as well as begruding her for spending your "DH's inheritance", you also begrudge her because she doesn't provide you with free childcare?

This must be a troll post, because you just keep inflaming the situation by coming out with more and more absurdities.

If this is genuine, you don't sound deserving either of the inheritance (which actually isn't your money, but hers) or free childcare. Considering how badly you speak of your MiL, why would you even want her assistance with childcare if she magically lived nearer and preserved more of "DH's inheritance" in the process?

I would say definitely don’t host, have this one as just a four. She sounds just like my grandma was - it is manipulative behaviour and not nice as a grandchild to see your grandparent just sit and ignore you and be completely passive.

I haven’t seen any guidance that it is 30 minutes in a 24hr period up to 4 months. the guidance on car seats I have seen (also heavily pregnant!) is 30 minutes for under 4 weeks and then 2 hours after that so you could (if you wanted to and felt up for it) visit between Christmas and New Year.

Yes, MIL has travelled the world. And her friends have not. She is from a small village and many of them don't leave or visit. A couple of them do travel all over the UK to visit grandchildren but they are the exception and are more than ten years older than mil and manage it.

What you value - a thoughtful present is fair enough. But it’s also good to have an open mind and realise everyone’s different and your way isn’t the only way. Her giving money isn’t wrong, you just do things differently.

My SIL is really fussy when it comes to gifts for her DC, and I don’t judge her for that. I’ve seen FIL turn up with bags and bags of presents and she has to find space for them in her house and her by DN is more in to stationary and books at the moment.

So actually I think money is a great gift for little kids who have no concept of the amount spent or care when they have presents coming out their ears for Xmas and birthdays already. I’d open a kiddy ISA and for as long as you can get away with it put all their money in there. And then when they’re 17 and maybe DGM is gone, you can say here’s the money for some driving lessons that your DGM gave you when you were young

I genuinely agree with you about that and don't think you are BU for wanting a chilled, low key Christmas.

But equally mocking someone's anxiety, even about something as innocuous as travelling on a train by referring to it as the "scared of your own shadows show" doesn't display much empathy either.

That's not true. Even the strictest guidance says 2hrs a day but with a break every 30 minutes, if under 3 months old (which baby won't be at 12w).

The lullaby trust doesn't even have the 30m limit, and research into it shows that it's based on reduction in oxygen sats for newborn premature babies, rather than healthy 3 months old ones.

You seem to have a lot of anxiety about this OP.

I wouldn't want to drive 4hrs with a baby and a toddler either, mostly because it sounds miserable, but the 30m in a day is totally made up

I bet you're one of those mum's that drags their moses basket to the loo for a wee so they aren't alone for 30 seconds.

When I had DD it was four weeks but I looked it up yesterday and said four months. I've googled it just now and the NHS says not more than half an hour for the first 4 months so it's definitely changed.
Either way four hours is double two hours :)
When DD was younger we would stay over a hotel halfway to break it up, but not when she was just on milk/before weaning.

Wanting to enjoy your Christmas is not selfish. She chose to make her world small, sometimes not getting her own way is a natural consequence of that. You and your husband should not have to pay the price for those choices.

For very reasons, my husband and I have decided to make changes this Christmas. We seemed to spend a week driving around so we saw everyone on their schedule. We had a miserable time. Should we suck this up, just because they're our parents/grandparents?

I hope you have a lovely Christmas as a family of four.

Yes and it seems ironic that the op is so intolerant of the mils apparent shortcomings.

As a parent with grown up kids I read threads like this and others with pushy dils with a feeling of dread that we too may end up in a position where everything we do will be wrong.

She comes:

jug of water / juice Ona side table where she sits, bowl of biscuits and fruit. Tv on music playing you crack on with stuff
lunch and prep - say can you peel the potatoes if she can’t put your tv on and do your own thing

Margaret Rutherford/ mil or whatever you call her we’re off out do you want anything
oh I’ll come along
oh sorry darling as you usher kids out the door it’s for babies only

get her to help by saying can you
do you mind
she’ll either step up or not come back for so long

and you could go and see her and stay in a hotel - or maybe offer to help clean for Xmas as in your DH

Where does it say that? The only advice I’ve seen is 30 min journeys for newborns and any longer journeys taking breaks

The driving test excuse is bizarre, I've known several people pass tests since covid. You just book online, it's very simple.

Maybe the dh is as anxious about driving as the dm is of trains?

Fair enough! I think your only option is to not see MIL this Christmas as it’s not unreasonable for you not to host Christmas - no one should be expected to host every year baby or no baby. And thank you for the car seat tip - I haven’t got that far in my baby reading yet!
whatever you end up doing I hope you have a good Christmas OP!

I said why can’t you or your husband pick her up. Clearly one adult stays with the DC and one does the drive. Given its DH’s mother I expected he would go. Could go night before and bring her back next day. Would allow one on one time she would value. OP you’re coming across as unkind and I think you should rethink your behaviour towards MIL.

30 minutes is common knowledge and if you Google it you'll find multiple NHS websites saying for the first few months no more than half an hour. However, even if we went with 2 hours, it's still a four hour journey.

Can’t care that much about their inheritance being blown on taxis if this is such a ridiculous suggestion lol

"although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance."

I think this is one of the most entitled, unpleasant things I've read on here.

Unkind because we won't do anything 8 hour drive? Are you nuts? 😂

Something with the parenting isn't right: "Safe sleep" routine plus not in car seat for more than 30(?) minutes. Over cautious parenting is making life very difficult in general. Hand washing routine is very good along with the no kissing. MIL problem is just the pits.

He can't drive, he could maybe stay at home whilst the op collects mil but as getting a glass of water is hard work I doubt an 8hr round trip would be on the cards.

The poor mil. The intolerance in the ops posts is so palpable you can only imagine the atmosphere in the household. She'd have a better time home alone with a mince pie watching telly.

Do they not have the news where you are?
It's pretty widely known that you can't get tests. You can't book online if there are no tests. There's nothing to book.

He can't drive. Which is ALL the fault of his mother and the pandemic we had five years ago.

Following the bare basics of safety advice isn't over cautious.
I assume you don't drive with a seat belt.

But it will make future interactions so much easier, I promise. If your Dh is at work, for example, you’re bf the baby, you can legitimately ask her to make a meal/make a cup of tea. It sounds like you and your Dh are on the same page with her, which makes it so much easier. If she goes to kiss the baby, you take the baby away and say ‘We’ve asked you not to kiss her/him’. If she cries, you say ‘You’ve upset me but I’m not going to cry, but I wouldn’t do something you’ve asked me not to do and we’ve asked you not to do that, you know it upsets us’.

You need boundaries and to be utterly consistent eg ‘It’s not convenient for you to arrive at 5, I won’t be in’ , then don’t be in and stop contorting yourself to accommodate her. She certainly doesn’t offer you the same courtesy!

Alternatively, give her a key and remind her you won’t be in, stop the contortions, I bet she manages to get a drink/go to the loo without support!