To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

One Christmas off doesn't mean I'm without empathy.

Nope, great job with great pay and have no one I am due to inherit anything from.

Sorry to disappoint you

I just happen to agree with the OP.

And one minute she only has much older friends who still travel the world by train - the next all her friends are telling her it’s not safe to do so and convinced her trains are out of the question.

@Wisher88

ok, OP. You do you, hun.

Why can't we drive 8 hours to pick her up when we have two small children?
Give your head a wobble.

You don't get to define family for other people @Cherrytree86. I don't consider my in-laws as my immediate family. Actually, my husband doesn't see them that way either.

Travelling across the UK isn't travelling the world.

I think you’re all a bit unreasonable. Your MIL is obviously hard work, though I wonder if part of wanting to be waited on hand and foot comes down to being widowed and never having anyone to make her a cup of tea / cook for her? Not that it excuses all of her behaviour, but I can understand why when she comes to visit her son she might see it as an opportunity to have someone else do these things for her.

I also think on some of the things you guys seem a bit inflexible - you mention your husband can WFH / work flexibly around childcare, but your MIL arriving at 5pm is unacceptable because you have to do the nursery run. To be honest I can understand why a taxi driver doing an 8 hour round trip might be fixed in the hours he’s happy to do this, even if being paid!

Ultimately, you’re entitled to host / not host anyone you like at Christmas - it’s your home. Only you & your husband will know what the fall out of that will be, and need to decide if you’re happy to live with that.

I'm sure when OP is in her early 70s she will be able to get herself a glass of water or make a hot drink without expecting to be waited on. MIL didn't lift a finger and let OP run around after her when OP is 37 weeks pregnant.

If she's ask to do something for herself, she just cries. No-one would welcome a guest like that with open arms. She sounds completely draining. She can't even be bothered with her grandchild.

Thank goodness someone else reacted to that post. God help us if the MIL spends "his inheritance money" on a taxi! :😂

That’s true. It’s all the other comments you make about her that show you are without empathy. Not a single positive word about her in the entire thread.

so technically is spending all of his inheritance

No she isn’t, she is spending her money not your husbands, you sound greedy and entitled.

Babies under four months shouldn't be in a car seat for more than 30 minutes in a 24 hour period. So four hour drive isn't safe. Not to mention MIL doesn't clean her house so we definitely wouldn't stay with a young baby.

In the original post she said she is lovely. Which is why I can't understand it all.

Exactly. Being a bad guest means people don't want to host you. It's natural consequences.
We repeatedly ask v small things of her like turning on the TV or for her to help herself to breakfast but she refuses.

Spending all the inheritance?

And so perhaps you can imagine then how frustrating it is. Someone who is seemingly lovely in the general sense but just behaves like she can't do anything for herself.
It's why we have put up with it for so long.

@Robin67

eh?? So your husband doesn’t think of his own parents as immediate family? Is it literally only your spouse and children who you two would class as close family? Do you have friends? Just thinking how far removed and less important you must see friends if your own parents aren’t even classed as immediate family!

It was you who wrote Most of her friends haven't travelled the world and have lived very small country lives which implies that she has. This is all a bit weird.

Jesus wept.

She can spend her money how she likes.

She doesn’t have to have a new partner if she doesn’t want one, for whatever reason works for her.

It’s OK to not want her because she refuses to help, but you’re hardly covering yourself in glory here.

If I was greedy I'd be asking for money for birthdays rather than asking her spend less and buy something personal but cheaper.

@thepariscrimefiles

we can all hope that but mental health and/or physical health stuff can get in the way and make us less capable and more dependent on others.

😂😂😂

Both of you going to bed at 7pm.
Righteo.

Absolutely bonkers.

Can't you just stand up to her and insist she gets her own drinks etc? (Apologies if this has been covered?)

you said she had very good friends who have hosted her in the past on many occasions…your ‘story’ has an ever increasing number of inconsistencies