To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Ignore this one OP. It's probably another ghoul waiting impatiently for someone to die.

Absolutely 😂😂

I sympathise with some of your post. You have clearly had enough and everything about her is annoying you. Anxiety as you get older is very common, she might be able to drive but a 4 hour journey is too much for her. Its a gradual lack of confidence thing. The average age for stopping driving is 75. She should be able to manage a train journey though with pick ups either end. Not doing anything to help is annoying. Had my mum for xmas 35 years after dad died. She didnt do much either but I didnt really expect her to. To start with she would get herself to me, but as age and arthritis came along i would pick her up xmas eve, drop her home boxing day. She didnt want to stay longer, it was exhausting. Would have 12 for dinner, house had to be pristine(mum v.fussy). But I loved having her and it would not have been the same without her. Now my DDs are in their 40s and 50s and would still have me doing xmas if i didnt say no, cant manage anymore! But youngest is expecting 2nd , other did it last year, so im betting its me again! But again we love being together.She has obviously got this self absorbed mentality. I don't see a problem with you having one year off, if you can get the family /friends to agree, maybe say they suggested it as you will have a new baby etc.

You are coming across as unkind. She is widowed and anxious. Christmas is a time to show goodwill and charity to those less fortunate than yourself. One extra adult who likely does not eat much is not really a hassle. Why can’t you or your husband go and pick her up? I always think when I read threads like this that you won’t understand what it is to be lonely until your own DC don’t visit you in old age. What a sad OP. I hosted a family Christmas with a 12 day old baby and a 2 year old because we were only ones with a home large enough. It was really lovely. My uncle died the following week and I was so glad he had been to meet my newborn.

Could you all go and visit her between Christmas and new years? That way the pressure of hosting a Christmas meal is off for everyone (you could just go out for a nice lunch) and you are in control of how long you stay for? I know it means travelling with a little one but that sounds like less work overall?
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable wanting a quieter Christmas with no hosting with a young baby. I’m due on the 22nd dec and I’m already dreading the anticipated ‘oh we will all come and stay at yours for Christmas Day and meet the new baby’ from my parents if the baby comes before Christmas. Being in labour on Xmas day would be preferable to that! I think guests sometimes take for granted the time, effort and expense hosting Christmas takes - do you think your MIL perhaps thinks she doesn’t need to contribute to helping as she’s already done the travelling and forked out for the cab so that’s her contribution to the week (ie she’s saving you from travelling)?

There is nothing wrong with that. It's her first Christmas as a family of four and MIL is both an inconvenience and a manipulator. OP is allowed to enjoy Christmas and she is allowed to prioritise her own family and her own happiness over someone who is actively and intentionally a pain

I agree.

@Wisher88 you complain that you were running around for her at 37 weeks… your choice. Her son could have stepped up and looked after her.

you could have done easy meals etc, and probably did, but you just don’t like her. Unless there is a massive backstory with your H, there is no need for you to be so hostile towards her.

your 2nd baby will be 3 months old, you’ll be in a routine. DH can do the heavy lifting over Christmas.

repeat to her where the tea and coffee is and tell her you’re not waiting on her as you want to make sure she feels at home

and then don’t pander. She’ll sort herself out eventually

Yeah - I'm waiting for them all to share how they host family every Christmas for a week given how critical they are.
I think most couples have a policy of not hosting at all once they have kids and just focus on them.

@Wisher88

one day you’ll be old, OP. You might be widowed too.
try and have some empathy.

@Robin67

MIL IS family though..

How would you feel if in years to come you were a widow and your child asked you not to come and spend Christmas with them.

Thank you - it's as though even at Christmas mums can't have time off, I am to also take on an additional adult child who is far more difficult and stubborn than my own toddler.
Fuck that.

I hope that she's arranged to bequeath all her money to Battersea Dog's Home

Then let her starve. Keep telling her, don’t pander

Op, I think that your DH should tell her asap that you don't want to will not be able to host her this year so that she can find somewhere else to go. I hope that she is able to find people who will enjoy having her despite her flaws.

Earlier you said all her friends were in their late 80’s and dashing all over the country to see their grandchildren. Curious.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

WTAF! I hope she leaves you fuck all.

@Wisher88 deploy the NACHO method

nacho mother, nacho problem. Let H deal with it. Insist on it and focus on your babies.

Extended family

I invite PILs every Christmas since first baby. (Me, not my DH who never thinks of these things). Sometimes they come, sometimes they don't.

But they are kind people and I enjoy spending time with them.

I absolutely wouldn't tolerate this crap from an in-law. I don't know if I would tolerate it from a blood relative, as they too are clean and considerate people.

I think if it was a one-off because they had a baby I'd put on my big girl pants and get over it?
I hope to be the kind of grandparent who would be on my hands and knees changing nappies and offering to do the Christmas dinner for everyone rather than turning up and expecting to be waited on. Additionally I'm having more than one child, so I won't be in a situation where I'm completely dependent on an adult child.

@Robin67

no it’s her husbands mother. It’s immediate family.

Yes - I wish she'd listen to the friends who travel all over the place rather than the ones who are frightened to leave their own house.

This self-centered princess needs to be told "No, you aren't coming for Christmas, I've got more than enough to do with a baby and a toddler, I don't need an adult who thinks she should be waited on hand and foot. Make other arrangements." So what if she's alone over Christmas? Let her wait on herself, it'll give her something to do. I'm sick of "loneliness" being used as an excuse for behaving badly and getting people to do what YOU want.

She seems to have a lot of friends for someone who is so awful.

Yeah I was trying to work that one out too.

And whatever her faults that last line is just incredibly mean. Nobody chooses to suffer from anxiety that can be extremely debilitating. If it's not something you've ever suffered with OP then consider yourself lucky rather than mocking others who have/do.