To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Well exactly. And she gets on a train with friends when she wants to too.
She does her own laundry, washing up etc. it's not that she's too old to do those things.

Ignore this one OP. You are clearly a good DIL to have tolerated this so far. Please prioritise your own little family this year.

Why does he leave the hosting of his mum to you? Apologies if this isn't the case, but it is what it sounds like from your posts. What does he do for her? And why don't you make it clear to him that she is his responsibility?

Ah yes the holidays and walking trips she manages while being too anxious to take trains anywhere. OP has totally not made them up (and thereby totally contradicted her other posts).

Or...OR...MIL is doing this on purpose and is perfectly capable but is playing a silly game.

She gets on trains with other people, but seems anxious to do so alone, which is why she forks out all that money for a taxi. Otherwise, why would she do that?

Could your husband ask her to look after herself and maybe give a hand.

A lot of those things we have done but she's so stubborn.
Not sure if you saw but for example, set boundaries that she couldn't kiss newborn DD but she did it anyway. Asked her to wash hands after coughing and sneezing into them. But we have to ask her every time and it's bloody exhausting and we are made to feel controlling.

She isn't spending your DHs inheritance by getting a taxi!!
It's her money, regardless of if she worked outside the home.
When baby you s 12 weeks old you, hopefully, won't be completely in the trenches and having a guest for a few days over Xmas should be fine.
Maybe I'm a pushover but I'd put up with it for a few days.
You can't be sure her friends would invite her, their situation may have changed.
What dies your DH think?
She does sound a bit like hard work, can you or DH ask her directly to do help or do something? When she's there?
Mine and DHs parents also were hands on so I know it's frustrating.
But I do think it would be a bit mean not to invite her for Xmas unless you and DH are 100% certain she'd be invited elsewhere. Either way you should see her at some point at Xmas, when will she see her new grandchild? Will she visit and stay before Xmas?

That's doubtful as the OP has already said that he is fed up of her (his mum) too though presumably not of her bank balance.

This.

It is not his inheritance, it is her money. She can spend it as she pleases and then he will have whatever inheritance, if there is anything left! If she wants to go on trips and spend lots of money in the last years of her life, it is her right because it is hers, nobody else's money.

Or someone’s not being entirely truthful.

She used to get the train fine but her friends told her it was too hard to do it at her age. This has then set it in her mind that it's too hard. And then just undermines her confidence. Most of her friends haven't travelled the world and have lived very small country lives. DH suspects they were a bit envious that she was confident enough to do a lot of things and are pleased she's now in line with them for the frightened of your own shadow show.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance.

yabvvu saying this. She is spending her own money, it’s not DH inheritance yet

We follow safe sleep guidance and so a 12 wk old baby can't be left to sleep on their own so come 7pm we will both be going up to bed with baby.
Given that she is cross if we go to bed before midnight I'm not sure she'll like that and we will be guilted into one of us sitting downstairs with her rather than spending time together.

Yep, you just focus on your own little family OP, no one else matters.

🙄

This is constantly done and she won't.
Everything is left out for her to make her own breakfast and she still won't do it.

Won’t that happen if she visits at the beginning of December? And why do you both have to go to bed at 7pm? Or either of you if the baby’s downstairs?

I think for just one Christmas this is surely acceptable.
If she lived round the corner and drove herself over for Christmas lunch then fab but not the case.

Because we want to spend time together? Rather than one of us sitting up with the baby on their own.

Did you mean to quote someone else?

"MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days."

I'm presuming this wasn't something you were aware of before you married your husband or she was capable of giving him enough space to have a life/find a wife at some point ????

If not then I 100% get your point of view but for most people hosting relatives is a normal part of family stuff even if you have 2 kids....

Hi mum, please don't get dementia or anything else that might require care home fees because I've got my eye on the main prize and it's already dwindling with the amount of taxis you insist on taking.
Ta very much 🤣
x

The contradiction is MIL rather than myself. Capable and competent when she wants to be.

Does she cook for herself at home? Has she ever invited you and her son and made you all a meal?