To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Then her son waits on her every wish

That sounds very controlling/ passive aggressive on her part.
We don't own our children , they are not here to serve us in our twilight years.
Some folk don't get that memo though. Sympathies to you OP , it sounds really tough but do continue to set boundaries 🌻

Why don’t you just admit you don’t like her and you don’t want her with you. Your comment about your DH not being able to get a driving test since Covid is insane (and making me think you are being deliberately goady). I’ve had 2 children turn 17 and pass their tests in the last 3 years. Whatever your mil does is wrong. She might be an awful guest but you are coming across as an awful human as well. My mum is a millionaire as a result of my dad’s untimely death - she didn’t work for any of it, I didn’t realise that her spending a lot of it on very expensive holidays and shoes should enrage me. How much money do you think she should be allowed to live off?

Why doesn't your DH run around after her? She's his mother. Also, you seem very quick to make excuses for your husband (you have every excuse ready for why a grown man with a wife and children has not yet learned to drive) but are very quick to find so many reasons to get us on side in castigating your MIL. Why is that?

Don't forget - women are always responsible for the failings of men.

Honestly OP 🙄

Yes - it's become clear that quite a few of the people replying are grandparents themselves and aren't able to see it from the perspective of parents with young children.

I'm glad you've got relatives to advocate for you when people are being unreasonable!

I think at the very least engaging for a few minutes with grandchildren, getting yourself a drink, and actually offering to get your breastfeeding or pregnant host a drink, is the bare minimum.
A lot of people would expect granny to be here changing nappies and offering to make the Christmas dinner, so I think we aren't asking a lot when she visits.

Granny did her bit raising her son as a single parent and driving him around all the time. Now it is his turn to look after her.

Yes - you've hit the nail on the head.
Passive aggressive, guilt tripping , all of it.

And we do.

Same because this is the crux of the matter isn’t it.

How does it ‘sound like OP doesn’t want her money’ when she literally says that the taxi issue is sensitive because they see it as wasting DH’s inheritance and therefore don’t visit her a lot because of it.

She has of course furiously backpedaled but what part of that post made it seem like OP doesn’t want her money.

To the rest of us it seems like all OP wants is her money.

Sorry I am not a grandparent but I am a decent person. Yes ideally she would be much easier, but she’s not. Why aren’t you answering why you don’t just have her but change the terms - she looks after herself ?

They also ignored the fact that she came last weekend for a long weekend and expected me at 37wks to run around doing everything for her. It's left me thinking how will I manage this post section with a baby.

Well she might have expected it but that didn't mean it had to happen.

Hopefully you told her no & that her son would do it.

Really though when it sounds as if she needs telling not to be so daft when she says that something is to heavy/full.

Or better still if it's wrong then she needs to do it herself.

Then stop doing all of that for goodness sake. If she wants a drink, tell her to make it herself. Tell her what you’re making for dinner and if she doesn’t want it then that’s her choice. Stop being a martyr.

Don't kid yourself. I'm in my 30s and think you're a terrible person, as is your husband.

So many people giving you an incredibly hard time here OP. I presume they are of a certain age group or if they are younger that they only have sons and are concerned about the future.

You have done nothing wrong. You have every right to Xmas as a family of four without her.

She sounds disgusting and I would never let such a filthy person near my baby, so you are far more accommodating than I am.

She also sounds like a manipulative pain in the arse.

Enjoy a Christmas without her.

Out of interest, what reason does she give as to why she can't just get herself a mother fucking drink?

You don't answer any questions about how much he actually does, although the fact that you drive him everywhere (just as his mum used to) is quite a big giveaway. I am guessing that he leaves it all to you, which is why you are so upset. As any young mum would be.

Yeah and many people who live in London don't drive or have cars. He lived in cities where they encouraged cycling.
When we moved to suburbs he learned to drive but has been unable to take a test due to there not being any.
He of course doesn't have the same freedom as a 17yr old with no responsibilities to just drop everything or go anywhere for a test.

I thought she spends loads on holidays though? Which is it OP?

Also sounds like you are bitter that she doesn’t provide childcare - I mean why you would want childcare from someone who is so awful I don’t know but I suppose it would save you loads of money you could put away for your DC’s inheritance.

You’re not averse to doing a bit of your own weaponised incompetence OP when it suits you 😂

You could manage fine post-section with a baby. You just don’t want to make the effort. Which is your prerogative, but when you’re older, set in your ways and find change difficult, I hope you won’t mind your own children binning you off for Christmas because they can’t be bothered to make the effort for you. You couldn’t complain. After all, they’ve seen you done the same with their grandparent, so they’re learning from your good example, and why should they bother with you when you’re useless and infirm and the only thing you have going for you is your bank balance? Once you’re too old to help load a dishwasher, you expect to be on the scrap heap too, right?

It's 3 months post section. You have an (apparently) competent husband. It's one extra person and.there are two of you.

Too old to do any of that but can still go on holidays and walking/ hiking trips. She's being a pain on purpose

I did :) I gave a very detailed description. He does most of the housework and childcare. He does every bedtime and overnight after I stopped breastfeeding. That balances the fact that he doesn't drive. It's a pain in the arse but anyone who listens to the news knows it's very difficult to get a driving test now.
When I learned it was the instructors who sorted out tests. It's very different now.
Believe me I don't need anyone to tell me how much of a pain it is that he doesn't drive but if there's no tests there's no tests.

Do you really think it is OK for the MIL to use weaponised incompetence to be waited on hand and foot?

Seriously?

I don’t think you’re remotely unreasonable to want Christmas without her, she sounds like very hard work BUT you’ve both trained her into this and she sounds highly manipulative, crying if asked to get herself a sandwich, wtaf?! I’d have told her her fortune YEARS ago, no demanding (silently or otherwise) that someone else gets her a drink/different food. Here’s the meal, you can have a little bit, you don’t need a massive portion. Put your tissues in the bin, please, it’s not hygienic to just leave them there for Sophie to pick up. I can’t get up right now, can you put the kettle on, please? If she cries, then hate to say, tough love is needed and is incredibly overdue!

I’ve had to tell my parents no, you can’t come on this day-they were retired, me and DH work f/t. There were tantrums and the phone went down a few times (them, not me) but they learned that they couldn’t just turn up when they felt like it. Put some boundaries in place, this is a really frustrating read, too many similarities to my situation.