To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

lol to his inheritance .. parents can leave money behind if they wish.. it’s not compulsory

Really pisses me off when people judge people for not driving. They’re creating less pollution and getting more exercise but are apparently losers…

Ooft you’re getting hard time on here OP and I suspect it is solely to do with your inheritance comment. Of course it’s a waste of money & sounds like you don’t want her money but would rather it’s spent on better things for her benefit. All the AIBU vipers won’t let that lie though!

Your MIL absolutely sounds like hard work. But you’ve sucked it up and pandered to her for years now though so this is what she expects.

I think you’ll have to be straight with her…she expects too much “looking after” and if she wants a hotel service then she needs to stay in a hotel when she visits.

And no, you’re not being unreasonable in wanting a quiet Christmas without her. She’s brought this on herself…anyone with the slightest bit of self awareness would realise that.

As for the driving tests…your DH has to look harder & prioritise this. Imagine you have a section and can’t drive? My son was 17 in March and has a test booked for October.

He can't drive because nobody has been able to get a driving test for over 5 years now. Apparently.

Yes that's very much what she is like.

We grin and bear the extra effort but I'm not sure we want to when we'll be sleep deprived. Sort of want to just focus on the children, and if there's anything left then enjoying Christmas for us too.

I actually feel really sorry for her, widowed and her only son wants to mug her off at Christmas. Im one of 4 and we literally fight over who gets my elderly parents at Christmas!

Some years ago I decided I had had enough of pussyfooting around difficult in laws and parents at Christmas. I announced that from then on I would just be spending the day with my immediate family. Didn’t regret it at all. Kids are only young once. I didn’t want them in a toxic environment for Christmas. I’m sure your MIL will survive if you take one Christmas to be just you. Might make her rethink how she behaves when she visits.

I think you are getting a really hard time OP. My husband is nearly the age of your MIL, he was an older dad and we still have teenagers. He cooks, cleans, parents and drives.
Yes everyone is different, but your MIL is a youngish ( 72 is hardly elderly and infirm).and obviously able lady. She walks and gardens, manages living alone. Presumably she cooks and shops for herself etc. It is absolutely not OK that she turns up at your house and expects to be waited on. Or that if things don't go her way she cries.
That is not OK. She is an adult and a grandmother, a mum and a MIL. She should help you out and contribute- not money, but support. She is a grown up lady who has raised her own child.
I can understand your feelings about Christmas. However if you do want to host her then ask her to buck up a bit and help. Even if it is just making hot drinks and a bit of light veg chopping. Apart from anything else it can only get worse ( anxiety and dependence wise ) if there is no challenge / positive support to counter those tendencies in her.

Believe me we are on all of the cancellation apps but of course different areas are busier. His instructor won't do a test outside of area and it's better for him to use the car he's learned in.
Our area has a really high pass rate and so lots of people out of area will come here to take the test.
I'm booked for a section, and luckily have a fantastic village of friends who have offered to do hospital lifts, have DD etc.

I think many of the people here forget they prob rely on grandparents as free childcare all the time and particularly for going to give birth and the like. We of course don't have that support from MIL at all.

I truly hate Christmas for valid reasons ( details spared) but I put up and shut up for the sake of family relationships.
I program my thoughts to detach as much as I can. It is over soon after it starts

Yes, she probably will enjoy not running around after a lazy, self entitled woman who uses weaponised incompetence to get others to do her bidding.

Too many posters are being selective about the inheritance comment and ignoring the fact that the MIL is the worst kind of guest.

OP - I’m totally with you. Not in the same position but have experienced what you mention and since that started we then put in massive boundaries before it became a habit. I know that’s great in hindsight but I think you’re totally in your right to say no and you want your first Christmas as the four of you to chill on your pjs and not have to host.

im not sure why people are focusing on inheritance and saying you’re being mean!! The whole taxi thing is mad - but ok, her choice. But not getting a drink when she walks and gardens and is very capable?! That’s just not ok and I couldn’t put up with that. If I had to then I’d be tempted to set her up with a flask and water bottle and make a packed lunch! Not that should should have to!! What happens when she needs to loo?! Doesn’t she pass near the kitchen. It just makes me mad and I can’t believe you’ve done it for so long.

We have really tried to challenge and offer positive support but unfortunately it is seen as the opposite and that it's her life, if she wants to be a hermit it's her choice. But it ignores the impact on us.
She does go out and do a lot of things for herself but equally is frightened of her own shadow and isn't honest with her friends, so DH is her emotional support. It is very draining. And he's constantly made to feel guilty and she often asks him to move in with her and all sorts as though we don't have jobs and kids.

It's not "his inheritance" .
It's her money to spend as she wishes .

So essentially, you cant be arsed with her money, but are rubbing your hands together for her cash?. Nice.

Just watch the out she doesn’t get dementia or something else that requires 24/7 care, or that’s where all your dhs inheritance (your MILs money!) will go.

Your dh needs to speak to her.

Perhaps she shouldn't be such a PITA then?

Please can posters please put the inheritance comment to one side and read and digest all the OP's comments about the MIL's weaponised incompetence.

We've offered her bottles/flasks but she'll say she doesn't want that much or that it's too heavy to pour or that she just plain doesn't want it and just wants it how she wants it.

Yeah it's pretty exhausting that people have latched on to a throwaway comment.

This is bonkers.

1. if she arrives at an inconvenient time, hide the key somewhere and text her where it is. No big deal.

2. I'm not sure why you think this year is going to be the toughest and therefore the 'only' one she'd miss. If she's that dippy,.it's far easier to dump an immobile baby in her lap, or next to her in a basket than a 1 and 3 year old both of which will be totally overwhelmed by Christmas (my sleep was also worse at 1+3 than 0+2). Plus you'll be juggling working.

3. presumably you won't be going to bed at 7pm anyway 😂. Honestly making sure they are always in the same room as you becomes more of an aim than a rule when it's your second. I think most parents leave their baby upstairs with a monitor once they are at the stage they get woken by staying downstairs. However, it's also a good excuse if you want to retreat to bed with a box of maltesers.

4. the COVID thing is an excuse with driving. I learned to drive post COVID, and yes it was tricky, but that's what the apps are for. He won't necessarily get much notice, but it should be a wait of a few weeks, slightly more potentially, but not 5 years!!

So in four years post COVID he hasn't been able to book a driving test which means he's had to sit the theory at least twice because it expires every two years That's absolute bull.

Sorry you are getting a pasting here OP. I totally get you. We host each year, are even with helpful guests it is draining. My mum nearly throttled my gran the year I had a newborn, had asked if anyone wanted drinks (after a full day of running around making sure everyone was fed and watered, was knackered), answer was no so I sat down to start breastfeeding and my gran loudly declared she was parched and no one had got her a drink - FluffMagnet, could you run and get me a water? I'm lucky that my MIL is very helpful and will come along with my family too, but she is divorced and last year she was on her own as FIL came to stay instead. She stayed with her sister instead and the world didn't cave in. FIL is also a handsome off grandparent who hogs our time, so our two young children had to basically fend for themselves for the Christmas period whilst we were pulled in all directions by 5 adults who mainly ignored our children too.

If she is going to make Christmas miserable for you, your DH and your children, then I'd tell her now that with a newborn you will not be hosting this year and will be having a quiet day by yourselves. And moving forwards you and your DH need to put on a united front about hosting. I'm all for being a generous host, but close family should muck in and at the VERY least tend to their own hydration requirements, especially when the host is heavily pregnant/post partum. Dear God ....

She does sound like hard work.

Please stop pandering to her for your own sanity.

And he's constantly made to feel guilty and she often asks him to move in with her

I see posters are still fixated on the inheritance thing.

Perhaps you and DH should read some of the 'stately homes' threads on here, as it sounds like she is an emotionally abusive narcissist who uses weaponised incompetence and has a massive sense of entitlement.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2063324-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

THANK YOU.

They also ignored the fact that she came last weekend for a long weekend and expected me at 37wks to run around doing everything for her. It's left me thinking how will I manage this post section with a baby.