To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

I'd love her to go on a cruise.
But if she's too frightened to get a train she's certainly not going to go on a cruise.

I think the tree adults involved in this matter are very much alike. Each one has their confort zone and the are no willing to make any concession to accommodate others.
If you don't want to host don't do it, that is your and your husband decision but at the bottom of my heart and by the reasons you are explaining very deep down I'm team mother in law.

Then stop whining about it.

You could each take a half day AL? This is your children's Grandmother.

Can drive - can't get a test since COVID. It's been all over the news.

I think you aren't grasping about what it is to live in an older body...the comments about not drinking to avoid needing the toilet, not understanding the alternative bed was too low, perhaps even not being able to hear with DD and engage at her level. Waiting to travel at a later time .. is worrying for older people, using the train with the possibility of no seat, no toilet, replacement buses amd cancellations, stairs, platform drops and carrying your luggage and making your connections. 4 hours sat in a car seizing up etc etc.
I wish your MIL could see this thread and stop making the efforts she is

It is the end of August. Next week is September. I think it is too late. People have their plans in place.

But he's in his 30s. What was he doing in his adult years BEFORE Covid?

We clearly make it work which is why she keeps coming at 5pm.

I said above - living in cities where they encourage cycling, and ban cars from city centres.

No doubt this is also his mum’s fault

The waiting list is about 20 weeks but of course you can still get a driving test. If he told you this is his reason for not driving, he's lying, and you should have checked for yourself. If he wanted to drive he could have passed his test at any time since he left his mother's house, and could have passed it three years ago by putting himself on the waiting list.

This isn't quite true. I've got teens learning to drive. Yes, you won't get one immediately, and yes, you need to get up early when tests are released, but they are available, even if it means looking a bit further afield. You've got a DH problem here.

Me too , I was shocked .

Could you enjoy Christmas if you knew that she was alone on Christmas day ?
You could say to her that it is too much for you with a new baby and maybe she could offer to cook / help out with ( give her a list of examples) and she may make her own arrangements if she doesn't like the idea.

Well exactly.

I'm not asking for a lot - just for her to look after herself a bit, perhaps offer to help with a few things.

The only thing I asked her to do last weekend was to turn on the TV once because she was sitting next to it and I'd only just say down after running round heavily pregnant.
And she huffed and puffed over turning on the TV.

How far away does she live if it costs £350 each way? Genuinely interested - I only ever use taxis for short trips.

She isn't capable of helping.
I asked her to turn on the TV and she made such a big deal of it that I didn't ask again.

I thought she was under the dictation of the taxi driver who decides which day and time he leaves?

You make it work but still say it’s unreasonable and unmanageable.

Four hours drive

Could you tell her that it will be a bit cramped at Christmas with the new baby etc… and if she wants to come it would be better to book an Airbnb and just visit for a few hours in the day time.

My FIL and his partner drive me nuts when they visit. When my daughter was 2.5months he visited in December and the two of them sat on the sofa looking miserable expecting everything handed to them and demanding to know what fun things we had planned for them - we were completely sleep deprived, I was struggling with breast feeding and they expected us to drive them to tourists sites and have home cooked meals every night to their very fussy dietary requirements. I was struggling with the baby and needed my partner to help me at one point and kept calling him - when he eventually came he said he had to get tea and various things for FIL and so left me in the lurch for 15minutes. I went downstairs and flat out said “this is your son’s house, you should feel comfortable enough to make your own tea and help yourself to any food from the kitchen, we are a bit rubbish as we have a baby” - he agreed but still did not pour himself a single glass of water. When we go to his house we are expected to cook our own food etc but when he visits us he expects table service like he’s at a hotel and complains if things aren’t exactly how he likes them, served when he likes etc.. It is painful- we constantly feel stressed, tired and then completely deflated because no matter we plan or do they always look miserable. We love hosting visitors but not them!

Anyway I feel your pain - you just need to tell her no room in the inn this year and you’re exhausted so she’ll need an airbnb or to go to her cousins.

Of course she’s capable. Unless she’s got a staff of servants at home. It’s just excuse after excuse from you. I’d love to hear her side.

Don't do it, don't potentially regret your first Xmas as a family of 4!

I'll have a 2 1/2 yr old and a nearly 1 yr old this Xmas and won't be having the ILs staying for any more than 2 nights...they're both like your MIL, and also leave their used cups and mugs around the house...and skids in the toilet...

Sounds like she'll be offended however you approach it maybe compromise on a few nights before or after xmas rather than a week?

We make it work in that we adjust work/take annual leave etc. I'm simply giving a picture of what we do on a usual basis, because she doesn't just slip into what we are doing, what we are eating etc she needs a lot of adjustments. And we do this. I'm just saying for one Christmas we are tempted to say we are doing things our way.

Suggest that DH picks her up and she spends the taxi money on a hotel.

This is getting ridiculous, excuse after excuse. You don’t like your MIL and she is a nuisance you. Just accept that and stop trying to justify it by finding fault with everything she does, yet making excuses for yourselves