To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Oh, but your husband MUST learn to drive. It's ridiculous that he's making you do all the driving, and it's definitely his own choice, no matter what happened when he was young.

YANBU. My grandma is like this. Incredibly hard work. So helpless it is infuriating and even one day with her leaves you drained. She's quite old now but she was the same in her 40s and 50s. Will not life a finger. Will not get a glass of water. Will sit there hungry and thirsty. Incredibly anxious. She was like this when younger too but she had a husband to fill that gap and do everything for her. He also had a way to snap her out of it.

When he died, she didn't even know how to pay the phone bill.

People who don't have relatives like that don't get it.

We all take turns hosting her generally but no one wants her for Christmas. My mum used to host her for Christmas but she uses the excuse of work now because she's sick of it too!!

OP If you really upset her re. XMAS - she may make/change her Will so you and DH get nothing!

It's not just taking the train at Christmas, it's taking the train at all.

And you’re capable of accepting the money and ordering exactly the right thing online. You could have done all your Christmas shopping in the time you’ve spent n this thread.

The inheritance comment was pretty shocking - but I see a lot of people have pulled you up on this already.

You evidently hold some resentment towards your MiL and disagree with the way she does things, which she will almost certainly sense.

I agonise over gift buying and often worry about getting the wrong thing - this might be the same for your MIL which is why she gives money - I'd be grateful it's not unwanted plastic tat!

The way you describe her, she sounds anxious - and if she does sense judgement from you, she may feel she's treading on eggshells in your home - which may stop her helping herself etc.

It's understandable wanting a Christmas to yourselves, perhaps you could plan a stay at Easter in an Air BnB or similar so you are on neutral territory. The taxi budget should cover it

I'd missed the bit where she blamed her DH's mother for him not being able to drive. He's in his THIRTIES!

OP, your determination to paint this woman in the worst possible light has led you to make comments that - actually - say much more about you than her.

I rolled I eyes so hard at a grown man, who has presumably been an adult for a good decade having his choices blamed squarely on his mother that I practically gave myself a migraine.

One of my pet hate phrases on MN is “thoughtful gift”. There’s just something so prissy and pompous about it.

You said shopping for your children should be her life’s joy. I find shopping for my own child a bit of a pain in the neck, to be honest, in fact I find most present shopping a challenge. And I find most gifts bought for me completely hit and miss.

While I am still sympathetic to your Christmas issue, you are definitely coming across as having quite a fixed view of what a grandmother should be, and a lack of acceptance of who your MIL actually is.

@Wisher88

well, it’s bye bye to some of your inheritance then isn’t it. 🤷‍♀️ thems the breaks.

The problem is even if you tell them to muck in or spend time with their DGC they won't. My DM thought she was on holiday and did nothing including getting herself drinks. She would sit there and see me in a state of near collapse.

The very last time I saw my DM I said if she came she had to spend time with my DS. Which she did not. She made extra work for me (she only ate a very limited diet, wanted constant attention and to do only the things she wanted to do). So that was that.

I know it is beside the point of the thread - but I have to ask… Who irons track pants? Is it really usual to do that? Oh my!

Yes this is exactly it.

And we don't have relatives to take turns with.
If she had a partner it would mean she would have someone else who would help her and manage her. And hosting her for Christmas isn't just Christmas lunch, it's several days.
And we have to ask all the questions in a conversation, keep it going, and doing that all day from 8am til midnight for days is exhausting.
If we try to go to bed at half 10 she will complain so we are guilted into staying up and then have no break each day.
With a 12 week old baby you aren't supposed to let them sleep without you in the room so we'd be going up to bed at 7pm, which I'm sure she'll not like either.

So selfish 😥

I get it and I do have a relative like this (aunty) and the OP would have undoubtedly got more sympathetic responses if she hadn't chosen to blame her MIL for her grown adult husband not being able to drive and them gem about spending his inheritance on taxis.

Absolutely! Would Be something else to add to the litany of complaints about mil!

I suppose if you've never worked and have a lot of free time?
It's just one of the many things where she fails to comprehend our priorities. She irons and gardens but doesn't see cleaning bathroom a priority. Ironing is very superficial to me and is really for work clothes or going out and about. I wouldn't iron something to go to the park with a toddler.
She was quite cross we didn't iron DD's newborn bodysuits either.

Hang on a sec, maybe MIL could invest some of her own money DHs inheritance on a donkey and travel to the OPs house like an elderly, non pregnant Mary.

Sorted!

And that's it, we don't want to get to that point.

OP’s next thread ‘AIBU MIL spending all my DH’s inheritance on a cruise?’

As a parent I was happy to receive money for my dcs: no doubling up on gifts, contribution towards larger gifts, dcs can choose exactly what they want etc..

You're just coming out with more and more reasons to justify why you don't like her. It's more honest just to say "I don't like her and I don't want her over for Christmas". But I would still suggest that you host her this year because it is too late and rather humiliating for her to be looking for somewhere to go on Christmas day. I would imagine that she would boast to her friends that she is going to her son's for Christmas. We all need to be wanted. Christmas is the loneliest time of the year if you have nowhere to go.

Your suggestion is exactly what we do.

August isn't too late to find somewhere to go on Christmas Day.

Problem is if you're a difficult guest people aren't happy to host you.

My Dad used to stay 4/5 weeks twice a year.

But he just fitted in with whatever was going on.

He was capable of watching/entertaining/enjoying the kids.

If he wanted something he would always ask "is it ok if I get ..." & I'd either say yes or get it for him.