To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

I still appreciate receiving money as a Christmas present from relatives. I go off and spend the "bonus" in the January sales. In this day and age being given money to treat yourself is wonderful.

OP why not suggest MIL takes a cruise at Xmas?
She might have a friend to go with - or just go alone?
It might be just the ticket and give her something to look forward to.
She really isn't all that old at early 70s.

Op, I had a MIL who shared some traits with yours - the needing waited on; not helping out; no thought to what was going on in others lives or my desire to see my family ( without her).

DH & I had to learn to say no. It is absolutely fine to draw a line in the sand and keep this Christmas to yourself. Yes, there will be people, many of them on MN, who abhor the idea of someone being alone , or not being invited to family Christmas.

You & your DH need to be in agreement, and if you are, just tell her now. ‘We are having a quiet Christmas, just us. Hope you have a lovely time with your friends’. ( DH should tell her).

Don’t reassure her that it’s just one year , it may not be. You may want to do it this way again.

I didn't say her life's joy is shopping for my children, it can't be because she doesn't. But most grandparents would say their life's joy in their older years are their grandchildren. And of course if you love your grandchildren part of expressing this would be getting to know what their interests are and then buying them a thoughtful gift. I don't think that's a wild view.
Many retired grandparents look after their grandchildren at least once a week. I think expecting her to choose a gift for birthdays and Christmas isn't high maintenance.

Sorry, I can't get past the inheritance comment.
I was with you until that point but dear God, that is just horrible.
He has a price on her head.

You are not being unreasonable.

But as I once read on a very intelligent mum’s net thread response, perhaps ‘this is not the hill you want to die on’. sometimes the grief isn’t worth it, for 24 hours of putting up with someone.

She could come at lunchtime on Christmas Eve, and leave at lunchtime on Boxing Day?

just to add, I think they’re spending the inheritance comment is very unkind. It is her money to do what she wants with.

Indeed. We get threads on here all the time in which parents complain that the children's grandparents buy them unsuitable gifts.

You had my sympathy right up until the moment you mentioned her spending your husband’s inheritance.
I hope she leaves it all to charity.

Mate, come on, whatever she bought would be wrong.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

Oh my effing god, I voted you were unreasonable to begin with but this is just revolting. If this thread is genuine - and I hope it isn't - you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

There is a whole load of people who see, being a guest as being a guest...which means not helping yourself...that's not unusual at all.

Why doesn't someone collect her if you object to the inheritance spending 🤢

Yes I quite agree. And it is completely draining.
DH & I are entitled to have a Christmas where we have some in our cup leftover for ourselves.

8-hour drive to collect her and bring her to our house? Surely not.

I'm with you OP. If I said to someone "you're welcome anytime but 5 til half past I'll be busy so please avoid" and they rocked up at 5 wanting feeding they would be directed to the nearest McDonald's

This is one of theses threads where the OP asks AIBU and when pointed out numerous times that maybe they possibly are, refutes all responses as wrong and defends their position. Drives me batty. 3 pages of excuses as to why they are actually reasonable and struggling to understand other points of view

You say you’re being hammered RE your comment about inheritance but you mentioned it and I don’t understand why as it’s completely irrelevant to the question. It sounds like a right PITA hosting someone who sounds as hard work as your MIL but if you chooose not to have her I think she’ll be incredibly hurt and can understand why. Yeah it’s hard work having a newborn but for the sake of a few days I’d host the woman. Would go between me and my sleep to leave her alone.

But she only sees your child a couple of times a year. How is she supposed to know? You hardly ever see her, you begrudge her phone calls, is she now supposed to be clairvoyant?

Don't host her, enjoy your well earned break.

YABU. It’s Christmas FGS, you better pray your own DILs don’t treat you with this much contempt when the time comes.

Let your DH run around after her if you don’t want to.

"MIL liked to drive him round, to make DH dependent on her when he was younger, so didn't encourage him to learn to drive.
So when she comes to visit of course it is moi driving us here there and everywhere. And doing all of the drives to visit"

Op, this really struck me. This poor woman is being blamed because your husband still can't drive and you do all the driving? I fail to see why a grown man can't take lessons and rectify this situation just because his mother drove him around when he was a child. Does this mean that he is really the problem? Is the truth that he is the one you have to fetch and carry for? Are you projecting onto his mother?

And I would agree if that was possible but she lives four hours away and would have to stay a minimum 3 nights.
Absolutely would suck it up for 24 hours.

DH, her own son isn't much keener on her either. Although he appears to have absolutely no problem with her money.

How come you can host her for a few days in early Dec but not 24-27th? Same things apply surely re having a ‘new’ baby and needing to feed her, and her needing a wee when she arrives. Just stick to a simpler meal on Christmas day if she doesn’t want a big meal anyway. Not sure what is different that makes it ok 3wks earlier.

We call her almost every day and instigate video calls on top of this. When I wasn't heavily pregnant I would drive us to visit her frequently.
She's capable of asking what our toddler is into.

Well then that £700 of HER money is looking far better value isnt it?
How fo you think having to spend that feels to her?
(Taking the train at Christmas is horrible)
My elderly family are 5.5hrs away and we make the effort

Because her taxi driver won't want to work over christmas so it'll be a minimum of three nights.
A random weekend she can stay for just one night.
Most people visiting babies visit for an hour or two, they wouldn't stay for three nights. And when they visit they would be expected to help.