To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Is Christmas particularly important to you? Are you Christians?

and your clutching at straws trying to justify why she shouldn't come.

Yes and many of her friends are in their late 80s and get trains all over the country to see grandchildren.

Nope. Her DH. It's his mum. And it's only a couple of days. Perhaps they should reduce the time.

How about your DH meets her on the train half-way? Might get her used to it and the motivation might be some time with her son which might be nice for her. This way you're less dependent on when the taxi can do it and help build her confidence at the same time.

Sorry but completely out of order you don’t see her often as she is wasting your DH’s inheritance on taxi’s. That’s a horrible thing to say. This is her money, and no-one has an entitlement to anything. I wouldn’t leave my mother alone at christmas and it’s 3 days. I drove 250 miles so my family could meet my new baby when she was 7 days old and stayed for a week. It was easier than hosting my parents as they had more space, and meant we only had to focus on kids, my mum cooked meals or we got takeaways. My mum doesn’t travel either due to anxiety, and wouldn’t come in a taxi either, so I have to visit her now. I think you’re being unfair. At 12wks, you’ll be settled into a routine so hosting a parent for 3 days won’t be too difficult. Get your DH to do the running around or book Christmas dinner out.

So it’s rude for OP to do it but not the MIL?

it’s rude and lazy to put no thought into a child’s present. She could give money while also buying a small gift for the child to open.

the MIL is perfectly capable of buying a small something. She is too lazy though. We need to stop enabling people like this.

You keep getting worse and worse. Your poor MIL. I hope you are treated the same as your MIL one day. Karma and all that😀

Sorry but you sound really mean. I get that she’s a PITA but it’s her only child and having Christmas with some other friends/distant relatives is in no way going to be the same for her. The new baby is just an excuse by the sounds of it, plenty of people manage to host far bigger gatherings with a baby and a toddler and it sounds like you’re just looking for an excuse to have a Christmas without her. We hosted DH’s entire family and my family for Christmas when my eldest was 6 weeks old and we flew to see my family when one was 2 years and the other 2 months. Where are your parents in all of this?

I think it is thoughtful to give money to young parents. When you get older you might buy things that aren't relevant. They can use the money to buy the children appropriate gifts.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

This makes you sound monstrous. It’s her money.

I feel sorry for her. Isn’t Christmas about seeing family? You’d rather she stayed home and didn’t spend any money? Awful.

i dislike all the pressure that Christmas puts on families to spend time together. If you are on your own and no one wants you on that day, it is an awful feeling.
our kids are young adults and I want to maximise my holiday time with them before they form their own nuclear families. However, we often have to include both our widowed mothers in our Christmas plans aa we don’t want to leave them alone at Christmas.

Yes - likely due to the fact her life is being limited by mental health issues. Another thing you have refused to acknowledge on this thread.

OP sounds like she'd be the first one complaining if MIL started buying gifts she didn't want too I bet.

Maybe she worried she'll get told off by her son for spending too much of his inheritance.

We have no idea what our grandchildren want so we give them money. Nobody’s ever even insinuated we’re rude or lazy. The parents seem quite happy.

You are not being unreasonable for the original post. But this comment "technically is spending all of his inheritance" is absolutely abhorrent. It's HER money... Unless you consider every time you buy yourself something with your money you are "spending your DCs inheritance" too. Which obviously you don't because it's no one else's money until you're dead.

I hope she spends the entire lot.

😂

I don’t know why everyone is defending this woman. She is nothing but hard work and will create much more work to a mother with a tiny baby.

Op if you have no choice but for to come then I would just carry on life as if she wasn’t there. Let her starve, dehydrate or whatever. I would certainly not be catering to her with a tiny baby. She will soon figure out how to cook and make herself tea - as she does every single day at her own house.
I wouldn’t tolerate disgusting tissues lying around and would clearly tell her so. If she figures out there isn’t much joy at being catered to at your house she might not come next year!

If shes in good health has your partner had an adult conversation with her about expectations? Eg while you are welcome here we wont be hosting and you will need to help with dinner. Not everyone is a hands on grandparent so many people these days are nervous to be seen as interfering/overstepping especially as you have already said she is very anxious.
Yabvu to suggest you don't see her much as you are annoyed she spends your dp inheritance. He doesnt have an inheritance until she dies - right now its her money and I hope she spends it finding some happiness in what sounds a lonely existence

Let's be frank not many people if their LATE 80's are getting trains all across the country to see their grandchildren, or more like great, or even great grandchildren. Give over.

The thing about buying gifts rather than giving money is a bit mad. You think it should be her life’s joy to shop for your children? Really?!”

I totally agree with this! @Wisher88 as if she’s supposed to be over the moon to go to a toy shop. Just because she’s a widow OP doesn’t mean her life is totally devoid.

There's a difference between hosting Christmas meal, and hosting them for several days.
Pretending having a young baby and a toddler isn't hard is why so many mothers struggle silently. There's no reward for struggling and putting on a brave face.
I am allowed to for one Christmas make life a little bit easier.

Sounds like op is banking on her DH being the only beneficiary and bagging all the inheritance. Basically tolerating her MIL, marking her time until she dies! He may be the only child but she might not leave everything to him. She may have other plans for her money, especially if she finds out how her DIL feels about her.

In any case op, I would just tell her it’s not convenient this year (or any other year by the sounds of it). I’m sure she’ll get the message loud and clear.

Yes people don't give pils money, it's odd. They buy chocolates or similar. Many give kids money as often parents like to put it towards a bigger item.

These aren't rules just usual social norms, so the op doesn't think this apparently awful Grandparent is doing anything out of the ordinary.