To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

I suppose he cuddles her for the same reason so many people have jumped down my throat saying we are evil for not having her for one Christmas. Society tells him he must look after his mum and do everything for her or he is selfish and evil - as we've been called here. Highlights the very reason we do coddle her.

Where to begin...

You start by saying that she has "chosen" not to move on. That sounds like an incredibly harsh statement to make. Even if she did want to and found the right person, why should she??!!

There is no inheritance!! She is alive and choosing to spend her money on seeing her family. It's just disgusting to view her as a wasteful cash cow. It's dehumanising.

Re making her own drinks, perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable in some one else's home. I would purposely leave mugs, tea bags etc out on a tray by the kettle so she can easily help herself.

I think that if you don't have her to stay at xmas, you should still either have her stay after xmas for new year or visit her. Either way there's no way out of seeing close family over the festive period.

An alternative would be for your husband to pick her up and for her to stay in a hotel close by with the taxi money that she would save.

Interestingly for some people 72 is elderly, I work in a sector where we meet mainly older clients and at that age you get a massive range of physical ability and confidence.
I’ve met people early 70’s who have all the latest apps and banking, going striding around all over the place, and then equally some that are very anxious and require a lot of encouragement and support even if physically well. The average life expectancy for a female in the UK is approx 81 years, your MIL is elderly and has cognitive function declines so does confidence.
Not wanting to pick up your toddler daughter incase she drops her sounds like she is worried about her own capabilities.

YANBU but you've still got the problem of how you'll feel when Christmas comes and MIL is left stewing in her own home while you go your sweet merry way. If you can both put your foot down, say no and get on with it, then all fine.
Christmas is a crazy time for relatives, guilt, worry, spending, you name it. We don't see anyone anymore and just have quiet time together.
This may not be an option for you, but could you go away over Christmas to somewhere that would be doable for the family and give you a break? Good luck.

Firstly your DH needs to make taking his test a priority - my husband was the same as had never needed to drive until we had kids and parents lived miles away.

I think you need to stop being so defensive with her and say it like it is. That is this Christmas is going to be very difficult to host as you will have your hands full. However she's welcome at any time but you'd really appreciate her help as the only grandparent and that while she can stay she will need to help DH cook, make cups of tea, washing up and help with the children. My in-laws are great, I cook and they do all the washing up etc. I suspect she's too used to being on her own and has forgotten what it's like to have family chaos.

You DH also need to do more cooking. Perhaps he could start by learning how to make a roast. He also needs to direct his mum "mum, I'm parched can you make us all a cuppa please etc".

I don't think her sleeping on the sofa is ideal either. Can you move things around when she's staying so everyone has some privacy.

@Differentforgirlsno I have a family and IL. They are somewhat like this too, but you wouldn’t believe out of all their kids they wouldn’t dare do this in my home. I wouldn’t tolerate it. Probably because dh backs me up.
I will get up and make something for my kids and myself, they are vegetarian and fussy. I am not making many different meals so I don’t. I do stock the fridge for their fussiness and veg and they can do what they do in their own home for every day of the year.
I do tidy up but I don’t clean their rooms or bathrooms, laundry etc. Funny enough they are able to cook and tidy up after themselves too! As they would every day in their house. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest if they like me or not.
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An inheritance isn’t something you’re owed or guaranteed. She is not spending your husbands inheritance she is spending her money.

If you don’t want her there your husband needs to simply say “Mum this year we would like to spend a quiet Xmas as a family of 4 not hosting. Would you be able to talk to X about spending Xmas with them and then next year we can host again.”

You said since having dd you’ve shortened it to 24th-27th so that’s not a week. Yes she sounds a bit of a painful house guest if she doesn’t do anything herself but the way you speak about her spending DH’s inheritance is just horrible. And then trying to back peddle. Saying it’s her fault for being on her own as it was her choice. It sounds like you find her a massive burden, really nasty.

So he’s only nice to her because other people would disapprove if he wasn’t? I’m so, so glad I’m not your mil.

We were going to suggest she came for a two day visit at the beginning of Dec/end of Nov to meet baby as taxi driver more able to accommodate a shorter visit. At Christmas he'll want time off which means longer visit for MIL and all the extra pressures of Christmas.

I would leave a little table beside her with everything she needs on it, water, tea in a flask, snacks etc. Then I would just get on with my life. She obviously thinks of it as a little holiday, which is why she is happy to pay so much for the taxi. Personally, I wouldn't expect her to muck in and help me around the house - but that's because I like to do things my own way, so when I have a guest I am quite happy for them to just relax and watch TV or whatever. As she is your DH's mum he should probably be the one to wait on her, not you.

As this is a regular visit I think it is too late to cancel this year, and it is a horrible thought that she might be scrambling around looking for somewhere to go at Christmas.

I think this is the beginning of depressing threads trying to justify why elderly/lonely/widowed in laws should be excluded from being visited or entertained over Christmas.

Happens every year. I hope these posters realise that they too in the future will be elderly or widowed etc. Just remember, karma is a bitch

Why do you need to set out a tray when someone can make one arm movement and open a draw to where everything is? My 8yo can make a cup of tea, she can too.

No I don't think it's a big deal if you don't host your MIL this one Christmas right after you've had a baby. But your reasons why are shocking. She spends your husbands inheritance on taxis, shes never remarried or had more kids, she insists on arriving at 5pm and having a wee. Fuck me, your truly pathetic OP

That's not what I've said.
People ask why we have tolerated SO much. And you are proving my point.

Two hours is the recommended time by the NHS not 30 minutes. Driving for four hours isn't an issue with a baby - take a break in between. Have done it many many many times. You are making excuses.

I can relate and have nothing but sympathy.
My mil does similar ... feigned helplessness, unable to do anything herself and random hysterical crying now also included!!

For Christmas - I would buy m&s Christmas in a box with a turkey crown Theres no pissing about it just goes in the oven.
Get some ready meals or frozen bag meals in - if she doesnt like it she can go hungry or get off her aree and make herself something...

She sounds like a fucking nightmare

@SatOnaHotTinRoofyou expect op to be happy to clean and cater to someone when she has a small baby and toddler? Only on MN 🙄

72 and won't use a train? She sounds unwell in some way. I am nearly that age.

JFC. No one has called you evil or heartless for wanting a Christmas alone. You really are making a martyr of yourself rather than seeing how problematic you’ve been and those specific problematic statements being the thing people have picked up on and called you out on. Everyone has also said grow a back bone and have a Christmas without her. Just do it without the cruel japes, blaming her for your husband not driving or making claim to her money while she’s still alive.

Surprised MIL wants to spend time with you at this stage.

You have very selective reading comprehension.

It isn't coddling it is normal behavior. My dps come here I make them a cup of tea but they are more than able to making their own at home.

Sorry to hear you say you're an orphan..do you think you are projecting and have some unresolved issues? Maybe jealousy and resentment?

I get why you want a break & I would say if that's ok with your husband then go ahead.

Will you all fit in a car this time round? 3 adults, a toddler and an infant carrier. Would be a mega squash in either of our cars. Good excuse to put off for another time..