To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

There’s a few separate issues here and the comment about spending the inheritance on taxis won’t endear you to anyone.. it is her money to spend as she sees fit. I nag my mum to spend her money on taxis etc rather then rely on lifts when she can’t drive or walk stupid distances in poor health but she’s intent on saving pennies that I have bluntly told her I don’t want when she dies.

You have a few choices, I would have an adult conversation with her, explain that you will find it too much to host at Christmas with the baby etc and that she can either book into a local hotel and see you at specific points in the days or that you will travel to see her after Christmas, stay in a local hotel, have a belated celebration then and make a short break of it.
It is tricky when a family member stays with you and won’t look after themselves, but you have allowed this behaviour. I have bluntly told both sides of our families when they’ve visited if they’ve asked about a drink etc that they know where everything is and to help themselves.

Thank you - I'm shocked by a lot of the responses as I thought one Christmas off wasnt a big deal.
Yes - we were thinking of calling them. They are technically family in a second cousins five times removed way, but mostly lifelong friends. We don't like feeling we are doing things behind her back though. But MIL would rather sit at home on Christmas day than let them know she's free. And we'd then have to feel bad for that.

Plenty of people don't host family for days on end even without kids so I think having a baby and toddler gives us a fair excuse.

And best check she is careful with the inheritance first

“Technically spending his inheritance “ . If I was her I’d spend everything I had before I died. You can’t even bear to have her for Xmas, why would you expect her to save her money to leave to you lot !

I suppose big difference is MIL does drive and is in good health.
You really wouldn't believe she lives on her own as when she comes here it's like she becomes a child.

Having read all your posts a lot of what you say seems lacking in understanding for someone at a very different life-stage. You seem to look at her very much with your own assumptions and your way of doing things. If she gets a taxi because she is anxious could you not see that as her making a big effort to see you all with a lot of cost to her? Her giving you money whilst you get her special gifts could mean she'd prefer the former and you prefer the latter. I would rather not be given gifts for example as it is so wasteful and rarely something I really want as people often don't really know your tastes or interests fully enough. I'd be with your MIL on that. There are many threads on here with people complaining about MIL's buying gifts for their grandchildren the parents don't like. People have different ways of doing things.

The idea you have to have her stay every single Christmas I don't agree with, though, and it could be better to get her used to the idea of it being every other Christmas or some Christmases but not all, sooner rather than later. Otherwise your resentment might build up and that can be bad for everyone.

It also doesn't have to be a week. Think of how many days you can do without exploding and offer that and stay firm on time. Decide what is reasonable for the travel time involved.

Another strange suggestion of mine would be to not try so hard. You sound like you are trying a lot of things and wanting a better reaction from her. This sounds exhausting and also could cause resentment to build up in you. Lower your expectations. On drinks, just plonk a big bottle of whatever next to her so she can help herself at all times without having to get up or ask. With food, the idea of going out one night or getting easy things in might be less of a strain on you. Can't your partner cook? If she just wants a sandwich and doesn't want to be cooked for this is easy. Can your partner ask about food up front and get this sorted out in advance?

To me a lot of the things you describe sound like she might be a bit depressed and lacking in confidence. I can see that is frustrating for you, but you can't solve it by getting resentful about taxis because they aren't good for her, or resentful about her being passive in your house. Tone down the endless phonecalls and the other things that are annoying you. Try to be kindly but take things less to heart. Easy to say, hard to do, I know. To me, you don't sound like a horrible person, though the comment about inheritance is really strange, but once irritation builds, everything can start to be irritating, so I'd try and find ways to stop that happening.

We have her for every Christmas for a week.

There's also the fact that if you refuse to let her come, you put your DH in a really difficult position by making it easier for yourself.
And that you are so disdaining of his upbringing and relationship with his own mother.
Threatened much!

Boundaries? You want to keep your MIL outside of your "boundaries" because you will be tired?

Do you know what boundaries are? It's things like not letting someone verbally abuse you in your own home, not allowing racist language around a toddler jujst learning to talk, not allowing smoking inside your home, not tolerating loud music at 2am when you are waking in the night to feed a 3mo baby. It's most certainly NOT being annoyed at having to make cups of tea.

It isn't any of the things you complain about re your MIL. She's difficult, of course she is. But boundaries?

And of course you're set in your ways. You seem to steadfastly refuse saying anyhing to her (because YOU don't want to have to deal with the tears), you're not thinking of any workarounds such as buying in food that needs a quick bung in the oven, asking her to buy and bring down in the 700 quid taxi all the drinks this year, telling her to make you a cup of tea because you're nursing and dealing with the tears, asking your DH to speak to her, asking her to wait in a cafe until 5.15pm instead of on your doorstep at 5pm (and won't you be on mat leave anyway?) suggesting your DH do the journey with her one way to save some of his inheritance (FFS). Of, heaven forfend, telling your DH to pull his weight equally between his mother, his toddler and his baby. You're two whole adults. How difficult can it be?

You're not the first person in the world to have had a baby and a toddler and host Christmas. To think it's ok to let a woman in her 70s not spend Christmas with a single family member because you had a baby 3 months ago is ridiculous. I've hosted elderly relatives (not even a grandmother!) who've been on a drip and needed to be spoonfed; I've drawn boundaries around disallowing dogs as my DH is allergic; I've hosted a terrible Christmas meal because there were so many people and I got my timings wrong and we all ate the turkey before the veg was even in the oven...but never have I excluded as person because "boundaries".

Cop onto yourself. You've got your priorities all wrong.

No one has said the one Christmas off is unreasonable - the pile on has been in response to the way you’ve spoken about this woman, the shocking/cruel statements you’ve made and the stuff that doesn’t make sense.

Still waiting for context on how you can be angry at your MIL for choosing to arrive at the most inconvenient time while also saying she only travels with someone who calls all the shots re arrival time.

sounds like she does not visit regularly, you seem to have opinions on how she spends her money, its not your DH inheritance, its her money and she can spend the money as she wishes and not leave anything to DH. She is so unwelcome i am sure she must of picked up on that on some level...Her world is small and she admits to anxiety, she is clearly not getting much support or love from her family...She could be depressed...but its sounds like you only care about the impact she has on you... maybe you are right,, i would have more empathy than you have,, However if you and DH agree send her off to her friends....i am certain she would be more welcome there.

Some of things you say about your MIL don't even make sense, she is riddled with anxiety, utterly helpless but goes on expensive holidays and hiking with groups. She arrives empty handed with no contribution and you have to buy extra yet she eats very little and only wants a sandwich for Christmas lunch. She doesn't buy your daughter anything so you have to buy extra presents for her to open. Yet she gives a cheque or cash and that makes your life inconvenient. What is the bloody drama of ordering daughter's gift from Amazon or putting something in the trolly when you are doing a supermarket shop?

Grow a bloody back bone. Your DH needs to call and say there will be a new baby and DD you will have to help out if you want to come.

She helps herself to drinks but make sure she can work the coffee machine, kettles, knows where stuff is. If she is coughing suggest she makes everyone a drink. If she hikes etc. she can take DD out for a walk in the push chair or feed some ducks. Say can you take her for a walk? Ask her to read to your daughter. If she only wants something little, plate her up a child's portion of food. It's not hard.

If you really refuse to deal with this situation, then I suggest your DH has a conversation with the alternative friends/relatives and discreetly asks if it's possible to host her as it will be too much with a new baby this year.

Take your kids to her twice during the year. Ring her to say " hello" ( not always your husband to ring her). Feed your MIL with interest in her life whilst not feeding the anxiety. Show that you care and don't show indifference ...eg. bunch of flowers out of the blue delivered. Simple card in the post acknowledging birthday or turning up for her birthday. She is an older lady who obviously has health issues. Acknowledge those issues without dismissing them ( e.g. Just think think positive"). Inform her now that it will just be yourselves this Christmas. Maybe bring ask her up just after Christmas. Don't pander to her when if making tea or drinks of water......Just say I am with the toddler/ baby. She may be struggling about and trying to hide issues around health ( which some dwell on). Insist she washes dishes with a perching chair if she cannot stand for long periods. Whilst you put baby to bed or nappy change/ child activity. Medications give some people dry throats or coughs and tissues galore needed and sofa/ chair maybe too low for her to get out of to help. You are going to feel guilt whatever you do but be ready fir that.

Tbh I'd suck it up and host her for Christmas, it doesn't sound like you see her very often outside of this?

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

Wow.

Because she wants to be looked after for a few short days in her life each year! Is that really so difficult to see or understand? She's been widowed for 30 years. She has one child who lives 4 hours away. She's lonely! Why can you not see this? She's anxious because she's aware she's getting old and lives alone. It's completely normal - and may well happen to you one day.

My gosh! I was quite sympathetic until I read this!

With respect, you do not sound like a very nice person. It is her money, not your inheritance. Tbh, I hope she keeps spending and leaves you both with absolutely nothing, or comes to realise how much you apparently dislike her and leaves it to a charity. Such an entitled attitude!

I'm really struggling to believe it was a throwaway comment too. Regardless of how much the OP backpeddles claims otherwise.

Not driving a 12 wk old baby four hours.
We very much will be doing visits again once they're at the stage they can be in a car seat for more than 30 minutes.

How does she manage the other 51 weeks if she would cry at the suggestion that she should make her own sandwich? Does she not drink water at home? Or tea? Does she not eat? I don't understand how she is an apparently independent woman while at home, but becomes a bit of a child when with you?

I think your DH needs to tell her directly that when visiting she needs to step up and take care of herself at the very minimum. But ideally should also be helping you. She managed to raise one child (likely with little input from her husband), so it's not like she's never seen a baby before. Why is DH coddling her?

I think if you hadn’t mentioned about MIL spending DH’s inheritance then you’d have probably got very different replies. That was a shitty thing to say but I’m not sure it deserves the pile on that you’ve had because spending £700 on a taxi is utter madness when she could get the train.
It’s up to you and DH if you want a quiet Christmas this year, just the four of you but if you do host her (and any other time going forward), you and DH need to have much firmer boundaries in place. Make it clear that you have your hands full now and so she’ll need to make herself at home and make her own drinks etc.
I’d probably still invite her but like I said, I’d be making it crystal clear that she needs to muck in a bit.

I feel sorry for the poor MIL.

'Yes - we were thinking of calling them. They are technically family in a second cousins five times removed way, but mostly lifelong friends. We don't like feeling we are doing things behind her back though. But MIL would rather sit at home on Christmas day than let them know she's free'

Don't do that. Absolutely inappropriate.

Just tell your dh to tell her you'll have your hands full this year so won't be able to accommodate but will see her soon in the new year.

Could not agree more. OP how dare you think that she is spending your/DH's inheritance? It isn't YOUR money and she can spend it how she likes. It's funny you haven't mentioned at all that you visit her or go and see her.....

I personally think YABVU. Put yourself in her shoes. She is alone, has one kid, manages to get herself to her only child's house for three days over Christmas and you are complaining on running around after her cooking and because she won't get herself a drink so don't want her to come.

Surely you and your husband and two year old will eat and need to tidy up afterward - just make another portion. This really isn't that big of a deal. Put a large waterbottle beside her.

You and your OH will be off because it's Christmas so will both be able to help.

And yeah I've been there with two parents like this for extended periods of time with a one month old and toddler so know what I am talking about. Your attitude to her money, your OH's mother and Christmas is really poor.

spending £700 on a taxi is utter madness when she could get the train.

It’s how she chooses to spend her money and nobody else’s business but hers.

Is Christmas the first chance your MIL will get to meet your new baby? If so, I think it's particularly harsh toput her visit off until Easter.

Is there any nearby accommodation where she could stay? An AirBnB or a hotel? Then she could come over of Christmas day, and maybe a couple of other short visits.