To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

A much more accommodating taxi service needs to be sourced. Never heard of a cab company that wouldn't let passengers stop for a wee....on a four hour journey?? The driver does not get to set the rules for her arrival time!

A lidded water jug and a big thermos for hot drinks next to where she sits. And a waste paper basket for those disgusting snotty hankies.

I don't understand why you were cleaning her house pre children. If she's able to go on long hikes why not do any housework??

Maybe you're a bit resentful that you did all that for her in the past and she can't understand that she should reciprocate now by being an obliging house guest.

Hope your husband does all the prep work for her stay? Before and after..

Why not go there for a couple of days ?

Blimey. You had my sympathies until the comment about inheritance!

Do you live alone HerecomesMargo?

She's early 70s and we are mid 30s.
We try to suggest shorter visits but over Christmas her taxi man won't want to do lifts on Xmas day or boxing day. Last year he dropped her on Xmas eve and that was a big compromise as normally she comes for a week. She was very put out that we only had her for three nights.

NTA. Plenty of notice to for MIL to make alternative arrangements.

Use this as an opportunity to reset boundaries. They can visit but need to look after themselves, like I am sure they do perfectly well for themselves when at home. They can visit but breakfast will be grab and go, drinks are help themselves.

Let them cough. If they arrive at a time they have been asked not to, leave them to it. They can get their own drink or something to eat. If they arrive at 5pm, they will need to fend with themselves.

I had this situation and it was very hard the first year to break out of the cycle. I wish I'd done it years before. Looking back I put someone else's needs before my own DC and I wish I had not. The person concerned was a wet blanket, complained a lot and brought nothing to the day.

The LEAST a visitor can do on Christmas Day is bring a positive attitude and be prepared to muck in. Same for people regularly expecting to stay for a few days. Leaving snotty tissues on the sofa is disgusting.

Last year we went to BILs for Christmas. We brought puddings for everyone and things for supper. We also collected their young DC in the morning and took them to the park to play for a few hours.

I found my mil very hardwork too in the early days. Turned out it was early stages of dementia. She was very like your mil. Needy, nervous, needed everything doing for her. I wish I had hindsight and had recognised it sooner. I feel quite bad, looking back, at how irritated I was.
My own mum went massively down hill in her mid 70s. She was very active and energetic- always busy. By her late 70s I was doing everything for her, she was housebound. In her early 80s she was bedbound and I had to do even more. Now, mid 80s we’ve moved her in with us. Not everyone is fit, well and active into their 80s and 90s.
From your posts I feel quite sorry for this elderly person. Wanting her to sit on her own over Xmas while you “build family memories”. Like she did for your husband once upon a time! She’s part of your family. Get your husband to get her involved, do some prep with her. The odds are she won’t be around too many more years anyway and you’ll get all the future Christmases exactly how you want them. Unless of course your kids end up with partners that don’t want you around!

It sounds like your mil could do with a carer/companion to call in regularly and help her a little.

I really like this. Polite yet clear.

It would be better still if you changed MIL to Mother and you gave the message to your DH to deliver.

OP its fine not to want her to come for christmas. She is hard work and makes work for you. You wont enjoy yourself and she will sulk at some point. Tell your husband to put his big boy pants on and tell her. Get it over with now so there is time for her to arrange something else. Expect her to be arsey and bring it up forever though.

Is there anything about your mil that you like?
all of your posts about her are critical: doesn’t play with Dd, doesn’t clean house, Is anxious, wants something different to eat, wastes money on taxis, doesn’t help when she visits…
You seem incapable of saying one nice thing about her!

For what it’s worth I think you need to weigh up whether the pleasure of her company (does your DH enjoy seeing her?) is more than your annoyance at her not helping. My mum when she stays won’t wash up or lift a finger in that sense and only plays with the children on her terms.

But it’s completely her fault for arriving at 5pm every time just to inconvenience you? Nothing to do with the driver she always uses who controls the leaving time..?

You can’t keep bashing her for your husband’s upbringing. (In any case, you say you’ve knocked all that sexist nonsense out of him)
She’s hardly a rare example, if she brought him up by waiting on him hand and foot. It’s revolting, but even now there’s an awful lot of it about.
(How many posts are there on here constantly, wherein a young man of 22 is demanding the full hotel service from his live-in girlfriend? What’s sadder, she provides it)
Certainly in her MIL’s generation those clinging to these old rôles resisted every attempt at contemporary re-education. (For many of course, extreme motherhood provided the only self-worth available)

Unfortunately where she's got comfortable with it she now won't have someone else drive her as this guy is what she's used to.
Initially he was much more flexible but overtime he has taken the piss to be honest because he knows she's too frightened of the alternative.
One of the many reasons we dislike her getting the taxi is we feel he's taking advantage. And we've tried to encourage her to get the train in all sorts of ways, only for him to call her and offer to drive her to make it easier for her, but of course he's happy to pocket £700 and call the shots.

Cleaning her house because she admitted she hasn't cleaned her bathroom for five years. It always looked very dirty but of course the first few years of the relationship I was polite 😂

It is awful to read isn't it. Such intolerance and clear dislike.

The mil is anxious and reading this it is no wonder why.

Many dgps don't actively play with the kids, it is fine it's just being with people spending time together that is the important bit.

Good god you sound heartless, especially criticising her for "spending his inheritance", that's just awful.
In your place there is no way I'd retract the usual invitation, that's pure indulgence to you when the kinder alternative is just ignore her requests if they tire you.
You just sound resentful of her, complete character assassination, poor woman.

You sound lovely. 😱

I agree - I'm not bashing her, simply providing context when people have asked.

I can’t believe the pile on, OP. She sounds like a nightmare and you have gone above and beyond to support her. Of course you deserve a Christmas without her being a burden. Of course having a young baby and a toddler is hard enough work. And of course spending £700 on taxis is ridiculous!

I have a needy and emotionally manipulative MIL myself, who is also only in her early seventies, but feigns incompetence in order for her only child (DP) to run around after her. It’s completely draining. You have my utmost sympathies.

I would suggest contacting the friends to see if they would be happy to host her, then your DH will need to have a difficult conversation. When the inevitable tears and guilt tripping begin, remember she needs you much more than you need her.

Good luck! And congratulations on your imminent new arrival.

You lost me when you describe her spending her own money as spending DH's inheritance. The fact that you don't see her as much because of this .....wow!

at least be honest - you’ve done nothing but bash her on this thread.

You are finding fault with absolutely everything this woman does. If my husband spoke about my Mum like this I’d be disgusted. How will you feel if you are in this position years to come and your kids spouses just see you as a nuisance. Very sad all round

Agree completely - it's a conversation in August because we want to give her notice.
We will endlessly reassure her that it's just one Christmas.

Sorry OP but despite your furious backpedaling your first inheritance comment has shown your true nature, you literally said that you don’t think you should be spending your DH’s ‘inheritance’ (i.e her own bloody money) on taxis and when people called you out on it suddenly no it’s all about concern for her welfare.

No one at all can blame you for not wanting to host with a 12 week old and toddler but after your other posts I call bullshit on a lot of your MIL complaints, you just don’t want her because you can’t be arsed with her, don’t like her and just want her to hurry up and die so you can get her money. I hope she spends it all and leaves nothing.

I am dreading being a MIL.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

I can’t believe I just read that. She’s spending her money, it’s not your bloke’s inheritance until she dies. I hope she leaves it to the cats’ home.