To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Why is the choice between money and tat? What a woeful expectation.

Agree. Worse even- the third is requesting extra food just for her as she doesn’t like what’s been cooked!!

Yes I'd understand the angst if the dgp came with an annoying dh, hapless inlaws plus a large, smelly badly behaved dog as is often the case on here.

Tell your dh to pick her up op.

This is when you're getting out of those trenches.

For fuck sake.

If your dh did all the hosting eg cooking, cleaning, clearing, beds etc and shared childcare and basically never sat down (like the woman usually does), is it possible Mil might think twice about the 'burden' she is? Get her own drinks, help with clearing up etc?

Also does he pull his weight anyway and do the lion's share when she's staying?

I'm not holding her responsible, it's simply context.
He has had driving lessons but hard to get a test.
Prior to COVID we lived in areas where you didn't need to drive.

'She sounds like a horrible guest. Not getting her own water or drink is so weird'

It is weird but the op sounds very uptight and maybe gives off very negative vibes if the mil goes into the kitchen?

It all sounds absolutely awful and maybe it would be best for them to let her off the hook and let her have a chilled time with friends.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

I haven't read the full thread. I couldn't as this stopped me in my tracks. What the actual fuck???

Your husband's mother is not spending any of your husband's inheritance but her OWN money. You don't see her often because you don't want her to waste her money before it gets to you??

Sitting in your house without helping or getting up is ridiculous but your husband is fucking mercenary with his thought process.

She sounds like she’s clinically depressed and has been for years, given the way you’ve described her earlier zest for life.
I have read about this precipitous falling off of a widow’s interest in life, and about the vast number of our elderly stuck in this same rut for decades on end, dwindling on towards death.
You’d wonder whether one of those (basically amphetamine) ADHD medications would be good here, serving as souped-up anti depressants. Give such flattened old people some of their old get up and go (though possibly high blood pressure too)
Seriously though, it’s desperately sad to see this ‘death in life’ in a person.

I am staggered at the meanness of your posts.

I completely get that she's not an easy guest, and doesn't sound like the nicest person (even though you started by describing her as 'lovely' in an early post). In terms of her not looking after herself or helping, it really is a matter of your DH having a clear and honest conversation with her, and when she is there, not pandering to her (if she chooses not to get herself water, maybe one time you get a her a glass, the next time you invite her to get it herself - if she doesn't, that's her problem. If she coughs and complains - let her).

But to stop her coming for Christmas, where there is no other family, is horrible.

And the drama around being at the newborn stage, having 2 DC. Of course, it's busy with a 2 yo and 12 week old. But you and DH are two fit adults and can manage, your MIL is annoying and not helpful but she is not adding physically to the burden at all. You have plenty of weeks to have family time as just the 4 of you, it's inconceivable to me you'd actually stop her coming for Christmas.

(And all the comments about money: about her wasting DH's inheritance on taxis, the gifts etc are obnoxious).

The most interesting thing here is no mention of how DH helps when she is around. Always you havin to do everything. You got pregnant 3 years ago and he has still not learnt how to drive and somehow it is still his poor mother's fault because she drove him eveywhere and never encouraged him to drive. You have been together for 10 years surely he should have learnt this so that he can help with the 5PM nursery pick ups so that you are there to receive MIL and bring a sandwich after a long journey? He could even pick her up from her house over a weekend and use that 700 quid himself for things like insurance and fuel for a few months instead of it being spent on a taxi driver?
I do sympathyse with you re her manipulative tactics but I also feel your DH has completely failed here.

My parents used to use taxis for an hour and a half journey and it meant they were happy and nobody needed to go and collect them. When you're old, you spend money in different ways and that's entirely a person's choice.

The bit that floored me was "she's chosen not to move on and get a partner" - why does moving on involve getting a partner?

This is pretty much what it was like at the weekend as I'm heavily pregnant (and high risk) and DH does his fair share regardless as I wouldn't tolerate the "can't change a nappy" or do the hoovering because they have a penis rubbish that so many women tolerate.
MIL didn't teach him to do anything and he was raised that he didn't need to learn to do anything because he only needed to find a wife.

You’re getting a really hard time OP. I understand. It must be very frustrating.

You have two issues. The first being what to do at Christmas, the second being being how to fix the problems with your MIL.

how to fix the issues

• if she arrives at 5pm, stay working until your finish time. When you go to the door say you were on a call. You then need to dash out the door to nursery so tell her to use the bathroom and make herself a drink while you leave the house.
• do not offer her a drink every time. Sometimes yes but not being waited on.
• don’t make her another food option.
• you can’t make her play with your children unfortunately. When it comes to childcare, treat her like she’s not an extra helpful adult.
• when she gives you money for Christmas, just give her money back as her present. I get it, you want her to put a bit of thought into your child’s present. She won’t change.

people like this don’t even realise they are being rude. They only hope you have of her realising is treating her the same way.

You lost me at "spending his inheritance'...

You are really doubling down with each new post OP. You started with the line of 'MIL Is lovely but hard work' and now you have painted her as an absolute witch, and crap mother, to boot.

You've also dripfed that you are high-risk in your pregnancy.

None of this changes my view being both unreasonable and really not very nice at all - if she's being difficult as a house guest, DH needs to actively talk to her, and keep talking to her while she is here. If she takes umbrage at this and chooses not to stay with you again or for as long, that's her choice. But just to decide that she shouldn't spend Christmas with her only child, only immediate family member, because you have two little children and she's hard going, is mean. Really mean.

'when she gives you money for Christmas, just give her money back as her present. I get it, you want her to put a bit of thought into your child’s present. She won’t change.'

No don't do this it is rude. Many grandparents give money for dgc it is perfectly fine.

Good job that the OP's MIL didn't make the choice to find someone else...She'd have been castigated for endangering the inheritance.

I was widowed at 60. I'm not looking for another man either. (The trend nowadays seems to be old goats looking for a FWB.)

I've said elsewhere that the reprobate across the road from me claimed to be 50...As I said to one of the other widows in the street, "his false teeth...maybe".

agreed, lost me with that one OP

Having read all your messages I think that if the two your MIL is the more unreasonable, but I think you are too in some ways.

Your MIL is for your DH to deal with. You can’t change her or control her. I agree you’re allowed to do something different for Christmas. Not much more to say as she’s not hear and reading this.

But - much as you don’t want to be reminded of what you said, you clearly don’t like her spending your DH’s inheritance on things you think a waste of money, so you see her less to ensure she doesn’t waste that money. You have a view of what is appropriate for her to spend her money on. Maybe don’t.

The thing about buying gifts rather than giving money is a bit mad. You think it should be her life’s joy to shop for your children? Really?! And the buying a second present is bonkers. Take the money and either stick it in a savings account for your DC or buy something you know they’d like instead.

I would also say that as your are an orphan (strange phrasing to refer to adults like this) perhaps you’d have a different take if you had your own olds with their ways to deal with. But as it is, she’s your DC’s sole grandparent. She might not be a great granny to small children but she could come into her own as they grow older.

When I had a newborn and toddler we told everyone that we wouldn't be hosting Christmas. There was a little backlash from one relative but we stood firm. As a result we haven't had most of them since. It's just one day, the relative isn't going to suffer because she wasn't waited on hand and foot for one day.

Exactly. My mum does and my kids are thrilled - even when they were smaller they were delighted as it was money they had agency over to decide what they wanted. It's a great help to get cash like this and be able to use it exactly as needed.

How old are you OP and how old is your MIL?

As you age most peoples worlds get smaller/shrink also anxiety increases as they worry more about being mugged, falling over, getting on or off the wrong train and getting lost etc etc.

My MIL is now 86 and lives two hours drive away. Since lockdown she refuses to get the train even if DIL helps her on the train with her case and we meet her at the platform at the other end. She insists on visiting family frequently doesn’t wait for an invite just invites herself, expects us to drop everything and expects us to drive out to pick her up and drop her off at a time of her choosing so a four hour round trip each way. She also has us running around after her waiting on her hand and foot but now she is elderly and our kids aren’t little. But she has always been like this. She also expects us to spend every minute of her visit with her asking where we are or where we are going every time we move.

Whilst I agree your MIL does sound a pain and hard work if a taxi is that much she probably lives quite far away unless she is getting a limo to just visit for the day?

I guess its over to your DH if she visits it will be a two day visit and to let her know if she visits then she will be expected to lend a hand and not just sit about expecting to be waited on (adding to the stress and workload). Or he gives her the option to make other arrangements ASAP.

It's just that it's impossible to get a driving test post COVID and prior to that we lived in areas like Oxford and London where he didn't need to drive.
DH does DD bedtime every night and all the overnight wakings when I went back to work after DD. He does all the laundry and the dishwasher and much of the physical labour even before I was pregnant. I then do morning routine normally with DD and dropoffs/pick ups. Now that I'm heavily pregnant DH does morning routine on the days working from home, and goes in late to the office when possible. We have a really equitable division of labour.