To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

She might be relieved if you did say not to come, it sounds a very uptight household tbh what with timings for wees being frowned upon and drinks being a huge inconvenience.

If she does come your dh should collect her, at least save her one taxi fare and just give her a glass of water! Honestly I've read some dil/mil threads but this one is excruciating. Your poor mil.

This is exactly it. Doesn't work, no responsibilities, no pets. I'd have thought it would be her absolute joy to find a nice gift for her grandchildren. If she's unsure she can always ask for ideas. In the past I've even offered ideas or to send her links to things but she says it's easier if we buy it and she sends us the money which is then just an extra thing we have to do.
DH and I do deserve some relaxation and down time too, our lives aren't purely to serve those around us.

OP won’t like this suggestion. MIL would be spending even more of DH’s inheritance.

What the actual f
It's not your inheritance
It's her money,and up to her what she spends it .
I couldn't get past that comment,so that's as far as I've read

YANBU to invite her for Christmas and I agree Christmas is a terrible time for spreading cold germs.
YABU to consider her spending your husband’s inheritance. Good luck on her getting taxis. All her money could end up being spent on care home fees.
You need to tell her now so she can make other plans.
As grandparents we have told our children that it is perfectly OK for them not to invite us but please could tell us early so we can book a nice trip somewhere.

Ah now come on, OP. Holding her responsible for your husband not driving is honestly absurd. Plus it’s just mean-minded.
It’s been entirely up to him to acquire this important skill, as the father of a young family.

You suggest a more complicated relationship there, with his mother, but on the face of it, that would seem to make it all the more incumbent on you (ie your family unit) to welcome her for this visit.
It sounds as though he hasn’t yet ironed out a few matters between them as an adult. (Not trying to dig, but maybe he’s bearing in mind the spondulics and fears rocking that boat)
But for the love of Mike urge him to take driving lessons asap!

I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable OP! I assume you both work full time? That’s a lot especially with 2 small children. I totally understand why you would want a quiet Christmas just to yourselves, given that she doesn’t do anything at all to help around the house. Why wouldn’t you help your son/DIL if you were retired…? (I’m assuming she isn’t disabled). That seems bizarre to me! It sounds like you’ve done lots for her over the past several years without much back and you shouldn’t feel at all guilty to put yourself first on this occasion.

It might be a bit sneaky, but I'd be tempted to get your DH to tell her that you're both exhausted this year and not doing Christmas except presents for DC. So if she comes, it'll be fending for herself and pizzas or curry for Christmas dinner. She might find a better offer elsewhere.

I think you're getting a roasting here for minor details - I have sympathy for you. My dad is my only surviving relative and behaves very much like your MIL - although at least he will sometimes empty the dishwasher (albeit putting everything away in the wrong place). We live abroad so when he visits it's at least a week, but I suck it up because I want my DC to know their grandad. I think you just have to accept who she is and be firm about your boundaries re making her food and drinks, even if she gets upset. Work with your DH to get the downtime you need and basically get on with things as if she's not there.

Thank you!
And I did so without complaints. But it's just made me question what Christmas might be like and how we might have even less patience when sleep deprived.

My father didn't

We always shopped for him

And we suck it up too - but just considering whether for one Christmas we skip that extra stress. We'd cater her for every Christmas after of course and make that clear.
We'd be thrilled if she offered to just put her own plate in the kitchen or threw her snotty tissues in the bin rather than on the sofa.

I can imagine a future thread here … MIL has finally met someone, settled, is no longer anxious and dependent on us .. I just know dh will now lose his inheritance due to this new man …

OP you sound hard work. You both need to grow a backbone, tell MIL how it’s going to work going forward (not just Christmas) - she can either like it or lump it. You are both enabling her behaviour and attitude due to staying so meek, mild and accommodating. Sorry to be blunt.

I feel like another time you'd have posted this exact thread, OP, and had the complete opposite responses.

Having read through all your replies, I'm going to say, give yourself this Christmas without her and resist feeling guilty!

She's manipulative and controlling: she tried to keep DH dependent on her with the driving; she will cry if her behaviour is politely addressed; she cries if she doesn't get a phonecall every two days; she passive-aggressively starts pretending to cough if she hasn't had a drink (I mean, WTF? Seriously?); she waits until you've started cooking to request a different meal (presumably, she could just request a smaller plate of what you're doing?) so that she gets you jumping to her tune; she ignores hygiene requests with the baby; she doesn't intervene with your two year old even when there's a safety issue; she chooses to turn up at exactly the time you've requested she doesn't turn up.

Honestly, if you'd any of those on an individual thread, most days on here, you'd have been told to go no contact 😅

You guys seem to have bent over backwards: hosting her for a week each time; cleaning her bathroom and kitchen when you visit; pandering to the phonecalls; getting the train with her to try to help her anxiety; waiting on her hand and foot. And this a woman who is physically active.

I'm not suggesting no contact by any means. But I do think you and bending too far over backwards for her and need firmer boundaries (and I mean you and DH).

Yes, the appalling hygiene situation in her home and general lack independence do seem to point to mental health issues. But you have to protect yourself and your family too. You could look into the resources from Mind or Anxiety UK if you'd like to continue to gently encourage her to do more and deal with her issues. You sound like a very kind person.

Voted before I read your comment about mil spending your dhs potential inheritance on taxis.
Yabvvvvu

You sound really mean. It's Christmas, season of goodwill etc. If you can't extend that goodwill to your own family its a pretty poor show

The spending DH's inheritance on taxi fares is abhorrent. Just remember, what goes around comes around

Have you heard yourself op
You sound absolutely awful
Poor mil
If she was buying the children gifts you would be on here complaining that it was the wrong gift and she's wasting just more of the inheritance
I bet you have totally knocked her confidence with the children,there's no way she won't know how you feel about her ,she's bound to pick up on all your disapproval when she's with you , probably why she sits there to terrified to even get a drink or ask for one .
Poor woman,I really hope her son is kind to her

She sounds a massive PITA. Waiting until AFTER you've started cooking to say she just wants a sandwich? Come on, that's arsehole territory. But you had me at ignoring your DD. let her sort herself out for one year.

I agree with the OP on giving money as a gift but that's because I find people in general are reluctant to think about anything for themselves. More and more people want handheld through everything. I don't want to think about what everyone else needs to get everyone else. In my kids case, I really feel like saying if you don't know her well enough to have any thoughts about a gift you would like to get her, why are you doing it? Not in a mean 'don't bother' way, in an 'it's unnecessary' way.

I think that's different for older children but for younger ones, for the most part, they like opening presents.

I think you’re being mean. It’s only one extra person and a ratio of three adults for a toddler and a baby is easy peasy. We regularly hosted 6-8 people at Christmas when our kids were that age.

Early 70s and fairly fit, she is definitely taking liberties. Does she really like coming to stay? Your experience sounds like the episode of Motherland when the in-laws came to stay. Perhaps your husband should have a conversation along the lines that as the baby will be 3 months Wisher will have her hands full and so will I so although you are very welcome to come, you’ll have to look after yourself a bit. You might prefer an easier Christmas with xxxxx or at home. We can always FaceTime on Christmas Day. If she still wants to come perhaps he could add that’s great mum, perhaps you could bring a gammon or cake or something. She might not be aware of what she could be doing to help. Come back later and let us know the outcome.

Many grandparents give money it is fine and a lovely gesture we can either put it in their back accounts or buy something ourselves that we know they'd like.

I much preferred that to 50 quids worth of tat.

Having a grandparent to stay and giving them a drink isn't serving them.

I think this is quite mean actually. The raton of two adults to two young children can be exhausting on an everyday basis, never mind at Christmas when the third adult isn't actually contributing anything.

I think you're all unreasonable.

You will be 3 months post partum if all goes well and should have a routine established. This is when you're getting out of those trenches.

"so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money."

That comes across so crass. Her money. Not your husband's inheritance. And you found very resentful of her spending her money. Don't count your chickens before they've hatched. She sounds very helpless so her money will likely go on carers.

Is it nuts to take a taxi when she could go by train for a fraction of the cost? Sure. But your husband doesn't drive. He's not going to go get her and take her home.

"She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH."

That comes out really weird, like you're judging her for not remarrying.

Now, it sounds like your MIL has learned helplessness and it's getting worse. She also sounds extremely anxious to the point of needing assessment and treatment. Your husband needs to bring that up with her.

She sounds like a horrible guest. Not getting her own water or drink is so weird, it's like she comes to your house to be babied and catered to. I can see why you don't enjoy her visits.

But you do your pickup when you need to. That takes priority over getting an adult food and drink. If she can't or won't manage, tough.

Too bad she can't take the train, save hundreds of pounds, and use just a bit for a couple presents for the kids

Yes thank you !

Yes we both work full time - although I will be on maternity leave at Christmas, but of course that's because I'll be raising a human and breastfeeding around the clock (if I'm so lucky for it to go well!).
And prior to have children we would do our full working weeks, and then I'd drive me and DH four hours on a Friday night to stay with MIL. When we'd arrive I'd clean the house and DH would do various jobs for MIL from fixing her laptop to cutting hedges. We'd do that once a month. And did so without complaint.
We'd also arrive with groceries or get a Tesco delivery so we weren't putting her out. Or pick up her favourite takeaway on our way to her house.