To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Yes just say it's not going to work this year - she sounds terrible and useless - id bloody go away just to avoid here - she needs to move on and become useful. You've done well to tolerate her. Some strange views around on here today!!!
Don't let her guilt trip you.

Complaining about the taxi cost or that she hasn’t moved on and got a new partner has lost you sympathy. Please do warn her that it’s likely to be chaotic due to the new baby but she’s most welcome if she doesn’t mind helping out a bit, entertaining the older child otherwise you will need to skip a formal Christmas meal

To me you and your DH sound like a couple I know who are extremely set in their ways: this is how they do things, this is how things should be done, these are our timings, these are our preferences. They plan ahead way more than normal, they anticipate what things will or should be like and reality either accords (it was amazing! No, it was just as you anticipated) or it doesn’t (it was awful, never going back there - no it wasn’t awful, it was just different from what you thought it would be).

She’s a woman in her 70s, lives alone, one child, and you don’t want her over Christmas because she doesn’t help herself or you. And she’s spending the inheritance coming to you. The stuff about cheques and cash isn’t even worth mentioning. Life is difficult when you’re at the baby + toddler stage, MIL or no MIL. You can’t just opt out of life because you have a toddler and baby. There will be some difficult years, there will be easier ones. Just stop being so selfish. You’re two able bodied (I’m assuming) young people in your own home. Don’t be so feeble. And have some perspective.

Will she have met the baby before this Christmas visit?

Yes, we can't be arsed which is why we've hosted her all those other previous times and run around catering to her every need.

All I can think of reading through this thread is sadness and emptiness, maybe mother in law feels the dislike of her from her DIL, being apprehensive to use the kitchen and the yearning to be close to her son but it's really coming across as there's no love there from either, if you don't want her tell her!

Use the fact you don't have a spare room to treat her to a local budget hotel so she can sleep undesturbed as your Christmas present to her. Arrange ubers for her so she arrives at 10.00a.m and returns at 9.00 p.m. Have a stash of MIL friendly microwave from frozen meals for when she doesn't want to join in with what you have cooked. Jug of water and glass or water bottle for hydration.
I would also have a frank discussion that with a growing family she may be better being hosted for Christmas elsewhere if that is style of visit she wants. If she wants to spend time with you and visit it will be a case of all pitching in and being prepared to get her own drinks, breakfast, sandwich, ready meal if you are busy with the children.

This thread has been side-tracked by the whole inheritance thing.

The real issue is that you have a woman who cries if she doesn't get her own way in being waited on hand and foot, who won't even get herself a glass of water.
YANBU to tell her she can't come (or actually DH should tell her).

If she does come, let her cry and sob and gasp for water and starve herself if she won't eat what you have provided, just don't wait on her and don't give in.

I have absolutely zero tolerance for such people.

My MIL does it.

Do I care? No. It’s her money. Your opinion means nothing.

God forbid she spends her money on visiting you and your family and her only child. What kind of fool would want to do that?

Very nice of you. Keep up the good work.

You lost me at spending your inheritance, sounds like MIL is the nice person in all this.

If we were set in our ways we wouldn't have catered to her every wish in the last ten years.
We are simply saying for one Christmas, we are thinking about doing things which put us first.
There's nothing wrong with having a few boundaries when you have small children.

You have to choose your uncomfortable. So either you have an awkward conversation and tell her she's not invited. Which will be uncomfortable.
Or you let her come, dread her visit, be annoyed the whole time she's with you. Which is also uncomfortable.

I think you should ask her to stay home this year

They can have both. It's three people...

She sounds like hard work. Perhaps time to stop catering to her every whim.

If she arrives at 5pm - "oh MIL, I'm going to get DD, be back in 10 mins, here's the keys. Make yourself a cup of tea and there's a sandwich in the fridge"
If she cries then so what! She can cry to DH when he arrives home.

Buy in m&s snacks and ready meals to keep spare. Pre prepare sandwiches and have lots of sandwich filler in the fridge so it's easier on you. Don't do extra meals! If she asks for something small then "oh ok, I'll do you a small portion, otherwise there's stuff for a sandwich I can get out for you. I can't make it as I'm busy cooking." If she refuses or cries then tough luck she will have to wait until you have a minute spare. Perhaps pre empt this by over explaining what time meals are and what they will be. I wouldn't be making ANYTHING different for xmas lunch, though. Put it all on the table buffet style with m&s sides and crisps - party style. Let the kids and adults graze

Buy a teapot and just leave it on the side for her to pour herself. Shouldn't be too much faff topping it up when you or DH are in kitchen doing bottles or what not. But you seriously need to ignore the coughing and theatrics - "there's tea in the teapot for you in the kitchen"

Alternatively DH needs to say "Hi Mum, know it's a bit early yet but just wanted to say that we won't be able to host you for Christmas day this year. We are thinking of maybe going away or having a small one as the kids are so little and hard work at this age. We're happy to host you from 27th until NYE/whatever or we can come to you then. Where would you prefer to be? Looking forward to seeing you."

Also get your DH driving! He can be insured on his provisional with you sat next to him. Or indeed your mum can be passenger whilst he drives her to and fro on local errands. Download the Testi app or Driving Test Now and get him booked into a cancellation as its really important he gets this sorted. The cancellation apps are the only way I got my teens sorted! I've heard some people booking for a different test centre, too.

This is my position too. Throughout my childhood and teens we’d my Ma’s bachelor aunt every Christmas (though she sure got stuck into bloody everything, rather than sit passively!)
By the time I was about 15 I thought I loathed her. She died alone a few years after that and I’ve missed her very much ever since.
She had a very glam and complex professional life in London til about the mid 60s, and retirement didn’t suit her. I wish we’d made far more of an effort with her, than merely having her to stay. (Of all of us it was my father who really adored her for the accomplished, generous woman she was. She adored him back) She was wonderful, and I certainly made sure I resisted it all. 😿

Christmas, now I look back on all the things that drove me batty as a young one, is actually not about children (who are pretty much covered already by the presents and general mayhem), but about embracing our elders even when we contemplate them through a red mist the rest of the year.
It’s my grandparents, and the fab great aunt, whom I remember most affectionately every Christmas now. They just lived for it, especially when we kids would squawk carols with embarrassed faces, even if granma would sit in state all day and night like Queen Victoria and expect constant attention.
But she’d tell us boggling tales of her girlhood in Ireland, when we were little (and of a romantic crush on Michael Collins), and grandad always wheeled out his WWI stories (😳), same every year.
But all that was like the decorations you get down from the attic: same every year but essential just as they are.
The old folk aren’t with us forever, and we have the rest of the year in which to do our own thing.
Christmas is so very deeply imprinted into us as THE main communal festivity, and if we can, it’s a good thing to have them with us.

(Natch, that’s me speaking as an Oldie of course and I certainly didn’t think this way years ago, but in my defence, I personally eschew all company at Xmas)

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in the slightest. She sounds infuriating.

But you haven’t answered why you can’t invite her and just put up better boundaries ??

I think YABU it’s once a year at what can be the loneliest time of year for some people. So what if she chose not to move on after her husband died. She also lives some distance away so it’s not like she rocks up at your doorstep at any opportunity.

when I'm trying to get out the house

This is really not a thing.
You just pick up the car key, relevant bags, and child, and leave.
As long as MIL is not actually in the way preventing you from shutting the front door, you can basically ignore her. Say breezily and cheerfully "Hi, good to see you, I'm just off to do XYZ, see you in 20 mins" and you walk off.

It sounds like the overall issue is you haven't found the trick of ignoring her, and being totally comfortable with ignoring her.

She sounds utterly exasperating. Was she always this difficult? Your husband has to tell her straight she needs to pull her weight or not come. Can you not need to go to your Brothers this Christmas? That or some lurgy last minute if husband bottles talking to her

Just realized your DH doesn't drive, how did I miss that. My post is totally senseless now - sorry

It's not 'can't be arsed' to be upset at the prospect of waiting hand and foot on an adult when you've got young children who really can't do anything for themselves. It's one of those things that you can't understand until you've really lived it, I don't think. My mother is the same. She did it to me as a child. It is exhausting. It makes you feel used and horrible and you know full well that you are a service human and nothing more.

All I can think of is how frustrated the OP is with her lazy and manipulative MIL.

Leaving aside the inheritance comment, I would have told the MIL ages ago that she should make herself at home and feel comfortable about helping herself to drinks and breakfast.

I wouldn't be going out of my way to make sure she is fed and watered first thing and wouldn't allow myself to be guilt tripped into doing so.

This woman is using weaponised helplessness to get others to do her bidding.

I understand what you mean re the money. My dad used to give me £50 for the kids each birthday and Christmas. Which of course was welcome. But it used to annoy me that he wouldn't go to shops and invest his abundance of spare time to choose something which he knew they'd like. I would have rather he did this and spent a fiver, than just gave us money each. It was like a sense of duty for him, rather than a nice thing to do for your grandkids.

Considering not hosting her for one Christmas surely doesn't suggest all of that.
MIL feels apprehensive doing most things now because she's become less and less confident.
MIL used to travel the world and ride a motorbike so her being completely helpless is not who she is.
We have endlessly encouraged her, suggested her speaking to a professional, all sorts.
We are extremely gentle and compassionate towards her.
My concern is we will lose our rag with her at Christmas and would much rather skip one Christmas to avoid all of the extra stress and strain on the relationship.