To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Blimey there’s been quite the gleeful pile on on this thread. For what it’s worth OP I think you should absolutely have a break from MIL this Christmas. She sounds like a complete PITA. That said I think your DH should go and stay with her either before or after Christmas. He can heed the call of duty and suck it up.

Op has already clarified that her parents are no longer around.

You’d be thrilled never to have to lift a finger for her, yes. Someone else to take the burden off your hands.

As I've said repeatedly. We ask her to avoid arriving at 5pm as DH won't be home from work and I need to pick up DD.
Most people would negotiate time of arrival to make sure it wasn't an awkward time. She comes at the time most awkward. So arriving having not eaten all day, not had a drink and not had a wee for four hours at a time when I'm trying to get out then house is absolutely inconvenient.

Firstly she didn’t choose not to move on after being a video. I was a widow aged 38 and 7 years on I can’t physically move on. It’s not a choice for everyone.

Sexondly you are a piece of work spending your husbands inheritance. No she is spending her money and I hope that she spends on and enjoys it because it’s hard work being a widow. Have some empathy.

My vote goes to the alpaca sanctuary!

If she is coughing because her throat is dry, and you say, "Do have some water Mil", and she refuses to go and get it, she is either afraid she will mess up, or (perhaps more likely) is in a battle of wills as in "I won't get it, Dil needs to get it for me and i will just stay here coughing until she does". If the latter i wouldn't have any guilt or issues about saying no for Christmas, particularly with the hygiene thing and a young baby. You need to draw your own boundaries OP between yourself and expectations coming from her and your DH.

I'd be thrilled that she was living her life to the fullest.

Bet they'll still be happy to accept her £££ though.

So basically, neither of you want her?

I think this is one of the most upsetting threads I've read for a long time.

Noted, I change my wish: she shall leave it all to the alpaca sanctuary. And draw a big middle finger sticking up to her shitty son and daughter-in-law in her will.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

Wow!

"We are not grabby people"

Yeah sure 🤣

It is very much the latter!
I think one Christmas isn't the end of the world when there's other people who will willingly host her.
We'd also of course video call her much of the day too, and often have quizzes over video with the family who used to host her.

So does that mean she's allowed to spend your husbands inheritance on having a nice time but not on a taxi? Maybe you should do her a helpful list of acceptable uses for her own money.

Not just saying this of the op but I have lost count of the amount of threads where parents and in-laws are only spoken of what they can do for the op or grandchildren the older generation are not just there for convenience

@Wisher88 on a different note - driving tests - we struggled to get my son one and he’s just booked a bulk course of lessons (had several a year ago) and asked that the driving instructor book him a tests asap (his theory test expires in 14th September) - he had his first lesson last week. Another 3 hours today and she’s got him a test booked for September 10th. Driving instructors can access the available lesson slots much sooner than us. We’d been looking for over a year before that with no joy.

Get your DH to tell her you are having a break from hosting anyone this year.
She may be upset, but she'll get over it and make other arrangements. Enjoy the peace.

And spending all her lovely money 😁

Christmas is about having a miserable time with unpleasant relatives?

Spending his inheritance?! Wow you sound so entitled - why doesn’t she just sell her house and give you all her money?!

@Wisher88

this might make a far bigger dent in your inheritance than a few taxi rides, OP…

Leave a key under the pot. FFS why this hullabaloo

It's like you haven't even read the bit about her refusing to even get herself a glass of water and then passively-aggressively coughing and commenting on how dry her throat is.

I would not have such a person in my home. If I had to have them, I would let them roll on the floor gasping for water and I still wouldn't get them a glass as they are perfectly capable of getting it themselves. Because I absolutely hate the kind of behaviour this woman puts on and I just won't give in to such a stupid battle of wills.

We've never said to her anything re inheritance. It's a throwaway reason among several other valid reasons but for some reason people have latched on to it. £700 is of course ridiculous. Especially when the taxi driver has been unreliable to her in the past and she's too nervous to go to any other drivers now that she's comfortable with him. Usually you book your taxi at the time and day you want, but as he knows she won't get here any other way, he will chop and change days and times, despite 12 weeks notice of being booked in.

She’s not unpleasant, OP just can’t be arsed. She’d certainly complain if the monetary gifts stopped coming though. It’s her DH’s money really, after all.