To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Spending all his inheritance?????
Chosen not to move on and find another partner??????
You are being extremely unfair and judgemental. I agree that your MIL shouldn't be waited on and should interact with your children. She should also be prepared to help with cooking etc. To not invite her would be cruel, your husband is her only "child".
I suggest that your husband has a chat with her about the need for her to sort out dinner etc, he needs to be quite prescriptive.
Looking after 2 young children inc a 12 week old baby is exhausting but I don't think the answer is to not invite her.
You appear very critical OP and it isn't all justified.
Wishing you well with your new addition

Op especially as your DH doesn’t want her over for xmas this year, then that’s fine. He needs to have a straight conversation with her. It’s totally understandable.

Other than that, i think you’re digging yourself a hole here with your attitude towards how MIL spends her own money, in what form she gives you money, what presents she gets for your 2 year old, and apparently how unacceptable it is for someone to need the toilet after a long journey (method of transport irrelevant). So I would leave it here and have some time to reflect.

We do all those suggestions normally - making her extra/different meals and catering for whatever she needs.
We are just thinking for one Christmas, when we'll probably still be at that stage where we are up frequently with a 12wk old baby that we just skip that extra effort.

And marries said toy boy so he inherits anything that is leftover!

Spending DHS inheritance??

You cannot expect MIL to stay in a hotel. PLEASE

I saw some messages above re her using the toilet when she arrives. The problem is we ask her to avoid getting here at 5pm as DH isn't home from work yet and I have to pick DD up from nursery. So arriving at 5pm needing the toilet, needing a drink and needing food, is inconvenient when I'm trying to wrap up work and get out the door.
She does it anyway and we cater to it anyway.

You value her chequebook, yes.

Actually no, not even that - you’d prefer a bank transfer or cold hard cash.

How can you claim to value someone yet not be willing to tolerate even the slightest inconvenience for their sake, and deprive them of the only family they have at Christmas? Why do you even celebrate the day - goodwill to all men, etc?

Makes no sense.

No - unacceptable to arrive at 5pm when I'm leaving to pick up DD from nursery and have asked her to come at any time other than 5pm.

Where did I do that? Its up to her DH if he drives or not. Just like it's up to the MIL what she spends her own money on. Be that a taxi, a Brazilian butt lift or a lifetime supply of Ferrero Rochet.

Well then, tell her to shove the "inheritance" that you're so obviously drooling after and go no contact with her. She sounds like an evil bitch - imagine wanting to go to the loo after a four hour taxi ride. A taxi ride that she had the fucking audacity to pay for out of her own pocket! From the way you've been speaking about her behind her back, I hope she leaves the lot to the donkey sanctuary.

I've said repeatedly we'd rather she spend £15 on a gift she's chosen and thought about than money. So quite the opposite of what you're implying.

If she chooses to take taxis, that's her business.

Sitting on her arse expecting to be waited on hand and foot, no. If she wants to cough ostentatiously because she wants a glass of water delivered to her waiting hand, that's the moment that you yawn equally ostentatiously and declare yourself exhausted as you've done soooo much.

What does she do at home - sit and desiccate?

There’s no pleasing you. You wouldn’t like what she’d chosen anyway, it’d be wrong. So she gives you the money and that’s still wrong in your eyes.

@AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta

not talking about you, I’m talking about the Op.

I completely agree with you - it’s her money to spend as she wishes, not OP’s husbands money. I personally hope she gets a young toyboy and spends all inheritance living it up in the Caribbean.

Then don’t cater to it. If she arrives and you’ve already left - she can stand on the door and pee herself for all you care. You had to go. If she arrives while you’re trying to leave, as you described, you leave her to get on with it and continue doing what you need to do. In scenario A it’s her fault she’s in a bad way and you can tell her til you’re bout in the face you told her not to arrive at 5. However in scenario B she is just there and isn’t preventing you from leaving to collect your child.

Just leave her to use the toilet while you go out. And next time, tell her to get her own food and drink. You’ve pandered to it.

Also you keep telling half a story with everything and then elaborating when people call you out. I honestly think you are just continuing to dig yourseld a hole here.

I really dont get this. You wouldn't expect an elderly woman to go straight to the toilet after a four hour journey?

My 72yr old dad lives a 50 minute drive away and goes straight to the toilet when he gets here.
Should I expect him to cross his legs and try and hold it in?
How long is an acceptable time to wait before guests are allowed to go?

I'd be thrilled for her if she met a young toy boy. We'd love her to get out there.

Wow
Please reflect OP

I sincerely hope she divides your DH’s inheritance (his mother’s money, which he didn’t earn and isn’t entitled to) between the RSPCA and the Battersea Dog’s Home, and leaves you absolutely zippo ☺️

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

I hope she leaves it all to the donkey sanctuary.

nailed it!

Hi OP

i have a similar issue although in my case it’s not that I have small children (mine are now grown up) but more that I am disabled myself and my elderly mother is not prepared to make any allowances for this.

some suggestions and comments:

you can suggest that she comes to you at some point over the Christmas period, rather than for Christmas itself. I used to suggest New Year to my mum but maybe your mil would prefer just before Christmas when you can all go
out to activities. On the other hand, if you’ll have a new baby you might not be up for that.

this at least reduces the resentment that Christmas is being spoiled and you get to have a nice Christmas in your own house and then can do another Christmas for your mil on a different day.

this is really commmon - we used to do three - one with DH’s family which was usually a big meet up in a pub function room between Christmas and new year (the family had got far to big for one house), actual Christmas on our own, and new year with my parents or just my mum when my dad died.

going away - this can be good for keeping people occupied (avoids the sitting around having endless cups of tea) and centre parks or similar is a good idea but at 12 weeks realistically you’re going to want to be focusing on the new baby and in some ways it can be trickier - unfamiliar cooker, can be problems with heating etc. bloody expensive if you do it over actual Christmas as well.

if you do stay at home there are things you can do to make it easier - start a tradition of Indian takeaway on Christmas Eve etc. these do usually involve spending money - I’m often appalled at how
much money I get through trying to keep mum entertained while not getting exhausted myself.

i hear you about her crying. One year I simply wasn’t well enough to host anyone (at all - not even my kids) at Christmas and my mum burst into tears and was really upset about it. She did go to a friends but hated it. It’s unpleasant.

What taxi company sets out the terms like the one she uses? Book her in with a different company.

If she wants a drink/breakfast she can get it herself. DH needs to be firm here and just remind her she can help herself. I would even be tempted to make myself a drink and then say to her I didn't think you wanted one as you are up already and haven't made anything.

You still haven't said when you see your parents?