To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

I think you’ve had a really tough time here OP, everything you’ve explained seems valid and exhausting. Can you both arrange a FaceTime call with her and lay out some new boundaries and family rules? For instance that she gets involved in meals and daily life as she’s not just seen as another guest, but a functioning family member while with you. I agree that gifts of money are lazy, and that an anxious person spending 4 hours with a stranger in a taxi ride doesn’t add up, if she can join social groups and shop/cook etc she can get on a train. I wonder if she’s using weaponised incompetence which needs calling out if you are to continue to have a healthier relationship.

You haven't answered at all on what your DH wants to happen at Christmas and what his solutions are to your concerns.

Ultimately, people on Mumsnet can validate your position as much as you want, but it's only down to how your DH is meeting you with this.

Have you discussed it properly with him or not?

We've had many a conversation re just helping herself but she refuses. We then come downstairs and feel horribly guilty as she'll ask for a drink or breakfast, and we feel quite exacerbated that she can't just get off her bum and make toast.
Can perfectly understand if you're only over for an hour or two that you don't help yourself, but staying with us for a week and having us do everything. Often doesn't even ask for a drink, we will just notice and offer or she'll be coughing so much and say it's because her throat is dry.

Absolutely you sound awful. Your comments about her 'choosing ' not to get with anyone else. As if she then deserves to be alone at Xmas. Your comments about her spending your inheritance. Like she should stay home alone at Xmas instead of paying for a taxi which she can afford. That is disgusting. It's your DH mum. Of course she should come and spend Xmas with her son and his family. Id never in a million years see my mum or MIL alone at Xmas. Just ask her to help when she's there. Let her know you'll need extra help this year or better still ask your DH to pull his finger out.

I am with you on this. My mum asks my daughter what she wants and then gives cash - so your mum can get it. It’s irritating. Husband and I get cash, I’ve probably fallen even more out of favour as it was £40 last year it’s gone down this year! Does make you think why can’t you make an effort. I also get a Christmas card that you’d give to a very distant acquaintance, not one that says daughter.

I’m an only child and we have my mum every year for Christmas dinner, have been doing so for about 20 years, she , well they when it was my dad as well, have never brought a bottle of wine or chocolates. She is collected, fed and watered and then announces she’s ready to go and gets driven home. It’s amazing to me still that my father in law is appreciative, says thank you for his Christmas dinner and appears to actually like me and enjoy being there for Christmas Day.

I'll be called soft but i think you're being mean. My nan got invited for xmas day and boxing day every year as she lived alone, and every year she'd drive everyone round the bloody bend.

Christmas has not been the same since she died 8 years ago and we always have a laugh remembering what she'd be like and genuinely miss it! My mum would never have dreamt of telling her not to come, even if she was bit of a pest. It's only a few days out of a long life.

Leave a meal on a plate or even better a take away. If she doesn’t want it, tough.

You need to reframe it. You are allowing her to behave like this by accommodating it. Stop and if she cries, she cries.

I would say to her ‘you are very welcome, we love you but with small children our lives have changed. You need to just fall in with meals etc and I will leave out bits for snacks and breakfast and lunch and you can help yourself and we can all have dinner together.

Id get takeaways one night (wouldn’t care if she said she didn’t like it, tell her she has to pick something and if she won’t then it’s fish and chips)

Leftovers boxing day and then M&S another day.

Id happily host but make it more on your terms

"so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money. "She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH."

So you think the only way for a woman to "move on" is to find another man, right? And you also think she's no right to pay for taxis because she's spending your DH's inheritance? You sound entitled and quite frankly unpleasant. Why the fuck can't you and DH look after 2 children and your widowed MIL for, what, 3 days over Christmas. Jeez.

DH is even more keen for her not to come, he's very fed up of it all. Finds the phone calls exhausting as he has to make all of the effort.
I've been the one to be more sympathetic to her. But last weekend I felt she should have offered to help given me being 37 wks pregnant. Or at least to help herself.

This is exactly it. It’s what Christmas is about.

Probably better for MIL to meet someone to share her time and cash with

Hopefully she’s left her money to the donkey sanctuary.
You don’t deserve it.

No, I have never in my life had an issue with anyone arriving and needing to use the loo straight away - especially not after a long car journey and especially not an older woman. My MIL is in her 50’s and makes a beeline for the loo as soon as she’s said her hellos. It’s a two hour drive away. Why would I find that rude?? In what world? I’ve done the same when I’ve got to hers. Lovely see you Maggie but I really do need that pee.

Also the food thing. This isn’t new. OP knows she doesn’t want to eat before sitting int the taxi. Perfectly normal for someone with anxiety issues. “Okay Susan, if you’re due to arrive around 2 I’ll have a few sandwiches ready for us to have lunch then we can go out for dinner later.” Or “there’s soup on the stove so whenever you get here you can have a bowl but the kids and us will have already eaten ours.”

Because it's our Christmas too? And any time when we aren't looking after two small children we'd like to spend looking after ourselves?

You and your husband sound very selfish and very mercenary, OP.

A guest who expects a woman who is 37 weeks pregnant wait on them doesn't get invited back.

Hopefully she will stop giving you any cash at all to save you the effort of having to spend it.

I think anyone who spends £700 on a taxi is completely bonkers but I also appreciate that it's their money to do with what they wish and nothing to do with me. Even if that person is my mum/MIL.

If you'd have taken that line rather that annoyance at DHs inheritance being frittered away on taxis then you'd probably have had different responses.

yeah I minded that.... also this.
"MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH."

As someone who is widowed, I really resent the implication that not remarrying is a choice.
OP I am not saying that you are required to host her every christmas but do you have to be so nasty with it?
personally I hope she gets herself a toyboy, spends every penny she has and leaves you zero.

Surely that should be his 'potential' inheritance, as she's still alive it's her money, she may choose to leave it to someone else!
Does she feel comfortable helping herself to drinks in her son's home, has anyone ever said to her Please help yourself to what you need if we're busy. If she were to be constantly in the kitchen getting herself drinks etc I wonder if there would be moans about that too!

Christ, can you not think of any good reason for her to maintain that position, rather than cave in to your expectations and organise a bloke who’ll take her off your hands?
Her husband may have been the love of her life whom she cannot think of ‘leaving’ now. Or he may have been a monster, who turned her away from any idea of a future partner. Or maybe this, or maybe that. But widows are allowed to remain as they are.

Then just say that. You’ve made this worse by all your nasty and resentful comments. At this stage it doesn’t matter how you paint her, you’re still coming across exactly the way you are and you aren’t being judged on your MIL’s terrible manners or difficulties. You’re being judged on your own attitude.

You were told, and have been told, if you want a Christmas without her then you’re perfectly reasonable to say that. She can huff and cry all she bloody likes. What you’re also being told is that your attitude is terrible aside from that and you’re only digging into that further the more you drag your heels.

Have your precious DH stand up to his mother and say you want a family Christmas but don’t assume it is saving her precious money for your own inheritance as she might decide to leave it to a cat shelter. It’s hers after all. :)

YANBU when it comes to waiting on her. Your DH needs to address this.

YABU re the money.

It isn't your DH's inheritance. It's her money.

It doesn't matter if she hasn't worked outside of the home since your DH was born. It's still her money.

It isn't your money.

I hope she leaves it to charity .

It’s very refreshing ! Usually this place is full of passive aggressive martyrs.

@Wisher88

lol even trying to blame your mother in law for your husband not being arsed to drive! Always a woman’s fault eh, OP? @Wisher88