Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

[bilingualbabies]

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them.

We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too.

Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home.

We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

You are absolutely doing the right thing for your kids! It's now acknowledged that if you are in a country where your language is in the minority, the best way to get your kids fluent is for everyone in your home to speak that language if they can.
Have you explained to your parents that it's the best way for your kids? Is there a possibility that they think Spanish is a "lower value" language because of the class divide in the US?
Ultimately they need to put up with it but once your children start school they will become better at English naturally, so this won't last long.
But if you are all speaking Spanish and also I wonder if you yourself learning about Spanish literature and culture might make them more enthusiastic? Reading in Spanish with the children will also protect them from losing it or it being taken over completely by English.

I think you're doing your kids a massive favour here, and that they'll be really thankful that you made the effort when they're old enough to get it. I can understand it being a little odd for your parents because it's outside their experience, but they'll get used to it.
I have experience of this, and it isn't rude. People who are only fluent in one language don't get how weird it feels to suddenly speak a different language with your children. I have noticed, too, that it is predominantly first language English speakers who feel uncomfortable with other languages being spoken around them- I think it's because they're so used to being in the majority, and have little or no experience of meeting people who don't speak their language.
(Hard hat on though- I've seen threads like this before, and MN tends towards feeling it's rude to speak another language in front of people who don't understand it... But most of those people have the lived experience of having a majority, pervading language as a mother tongue.)

Of course you’re not unreasonable, but I’ve seen this play out over and over with friends raising their children in a different culture/language to monoglot anglophone grandparents — my American friend my French friend and they’re raising their children in France, and her parents used to get vocally sad when the children spoke French in front of them on visits or to their dad when on a Skype call. I think it made them hyper aware of not having All American grandchildren down the street in some white picket fenced house. They’ve made no effort to learn French despite visiting often.

As a previous poster, I was wondering if it's an issue with Spanish as they are in US.

I agree that it's good for your kids to be bi-lingual, but I kind of agree with your parents in that if you are speaking directly to them and including them in a conversation then it should as much as possible be done in a language every can understand.

But if it's background chatter between your kids and not directly aimed at your parents, then that's unreasonable to insist it's in English.

If you're visiting them, then I think you and your DH should be speaking in English when you're in their presence. Like it or not, speaking to each other or your kids in Spanish in front of the grandparents does exclude them. Obviously the children will occasionally speak in Spanish, but assuming that your visit is only for a couple of weeks, it's not going to hurt their language acquisition if you answer them in English.

The grandparents already lose out by living so far away from you all and only seeing you once a year. At least make your time together inclusive.

Honestly I think it’s pretty shocking that anyone could find anything wrong with the idea of raising your kids to be bilingual and I would be telling your parents in no uncertain terms that this is how it is and to butt out. Sorry but I think you need to read the riot act.

They will inevitably become more fluent in English as they go to school anyway.

@Createausername1970 , yes, it’s normally background chatter or someone entering the room who wasn’t part of the video call and saying something in Spanish. I really can’t control what a toddler says, for example, and if we are reinforcing a second language I feel it’s a middle ground to translate even though that’s harder on us. But it lets the kids switch languages freely while learning. As they get older they know who speaks English/Spanish and naturally code switch (eg English with my family, Spanish with husband’s family).

I do understand if people use another language to intentionally leave people out, but this is not at all what is happening and most of the time we are speaking English (and always if speaking directly to my parents).

We are trying to raise our children bilingual. It is bloody hard, people assume all you have to do is talk to them in that language and they’ll pick it up, but in reality it’s a constant battle against ease, convenience and negative attitudes (real or imagined) towards the minority language.
You are doing what’s best for your children. You’re already doing amazingly well to have Spanish as your children’s dominant language in a predominantly English speaking country (as I’m sure you know they will probably end up leaning more towards English as they go through school, make friends etc.) so you’re giving them a good base to be truly bilingual.

it is completely unreasonable to expect children that young to never speak their native tongue around certain people. As in, cognitively it is not a skill they can be expected to master. Plus I hate to think how that negativity, seeing Spanish as something they should be made to feel wrong for speaking, will affect how much they want to continue speaking it growing up. Children are extremely sensitive to things like that. Of course the children should be encouraged to include everyone in the conversation, and not exclude anyone, but it’s a bit pathetic for grown adults to get upset about another language being spoken in their presence. Don’t disadvantage your children to appease adults’ insecurities.

I think it's fantastic you're teaching your kids to be bi-lingual, the language is an important part of their heritage. In addition, learning to switch with ease from English to Spanish means they'll almost certainly be good at learning other languages too. This will stand them in good stead at school and also, possibly, in terms of career opportunities too. I worked for an Italian company in which the English finance director was fluent in Italian (one of his parents was Italian and like your children he was raised to be bi-lingual.) I started to learn Italian and my efforts were very much appreciated by the Italian directors of the company. Tbh, I think your parents are being quite rude to your husband to insist on English being the only spoken language. Why don't they learn to speak some Spanish and has some fun with the kids instead?

DH is Spanish, I'm fluent and DS is bilingual.

DS is an adult now, but I don't really remember any problems like this with either set of grandparents. All GPs were monolingual, but they all seemed to find it adorable when DS spoke "other" language in their presence. As he got older he obviously knew to switch depending on who he was with. DH spoke in Spanish with DS , but would switch to English with my parents. I spoke in English to DS , Spanish to Spanish GPs. Oftentimes there would be a short exchange that someone didn't understand, but we'd quickly translate and like I say it was never an issue. All GPs loved to pick up the odd word themselves too😅

I don't really understand your parents insistence on one hundred percent English. The odd thing in Spanish is part and parcel of bilingual grandchildren and actually something to be proud of

That said, you can never really change someone else's attitude, just your reaction to it. I'd try not to let it bother you. As your kids get older things will become easier anyway.

@saraclara , I hear you. But we aren’t talking about just visits. We’re talking about, say, my child speaking to her little brother while playing (in our home) over a video call. Or husband walking into the room (not knowing I’m on a call with them) and saying something in Spanish. Or if we want to share a cute video and we happened to speak Spanish, well we can’t share it even if we translate because that’s “offensive.” It goes beyond conversations in their home and I think that’s part of what makes it hard to navigate.

Is it likely that they do have an issue with them speaking Spanish full stop?

or is it more likely that they’re not particularly happy that they can’t be as involved as they’d like, as in they’re physically distant and when they’re trying to be involved by video calls they feel like they can’t fully if they don’t understand some of what’s happening?

because to me they’re very different issues, the first I’d just ignore them tbh, the second I might try and be a bit more understanding

My earlier comment was too measured. They are being rude and offensive. They are being xenophobic towards your children’s and husband’s culture. It’s not reasonable or normal.

Or if they were that bothered about not understanding your children 100% of the time your parents could learn Spanish. But they don’t - that’s on them. Keep going and as the children get older they will switch more easily. Your parents shouldn’t be policing your language if someone happens to say something in the background.

We live in Wales. In laws are in Yorkshire. DD has attended Welsh medium school since she was 3 and had no English spoken to her there till Year 3. She’s been fully bilingual since then and PIL would have been told where to go if they had any issue with it.

My parents are flagshaggers and very xenophobic; we live abroad. They’ve tried this when my children speak to one another too. I just say in a neutral voice that the children weren’t speaking to them. If they say the children have to speak English, I say, yes, and they do when they are talking to you. If they keep moaning I would end the call (“Well, we’d better not keep you! Talk to you soon!”).

What are they actually saying or feeling? That it's a shame/sad and they feel left out? Like husbands fam/culture more important
Or that they're angry?
Is there any hint of racism/looking down on Spanish speakers ?

Coz you could just hand wave them off "oh yes, everyone knows now how great it is to speak multiple languages, so much easier when they're little isn't it? So what did you do on the weekend?"
But obviously if they keep bringing it up in an angry and disapproving way then you just repeat "Yes, we are raising the kids bilingual. Aren't they so clever to be able to know to speak English with you and Spanish with their dad and each other." Just play dumb and talk the kids up so they feel totally unreasonable. It might stop them bringing it up.. If pushed, you can always snap at them to download duolingo and learn too!!!

We're in Wales so speaking Welsh is understood. But it's considered bad manners to speak it when in conversation with English speaking people.

That's something that the children do need to learn. But well done you for managing both languages so well.

As parents you are making a really good decision - and it is 💯 yours to make. Children are best programmed to learn language under 3 so early exposure is brilliant. Then 3-7 is a great window and they will pick up code switching; 8-14 is still good and than after that it gets much harder ( but very possible).
You are clearly mindful of not using the Spanish to exclude your parents. They should be proud - not critical - so keep going! If it’s your husbands first language - maybe they should learn a little themselves…..

@PorridgeAndSyrup , I do worry about this with my oldest especially. We once had one of her classmates shout “speak English!” to her when passing by our family on the school run. Another kid has teased her about her Spanish surname (it would be a bit revealing to say what it is, and the name they change it to isn’t a bad word but it’s still impolite to her and clearly intended to taunt her). I never want my children to internalise those comments and think part of their heritage is shameful. She’s a resilient kid and most of her classmates aren’t like this but if her family also indicates that Spanish is something to hide or be ashamed of then that doesn’t send a great message.

I do understand if people use another language to intentionally leave people out, but this is not at all what is happening and most of the time we are speaking English (and always if speaking directly to my parents)

Of course you're not doing it intentionally. But the effect on your parents is the same whether or not you intend it to be. They don't know what you're saying and it feels awkward.

I get what you're saying about the video calls, and obviously you can't control what people are saying if they genuinely don't know that you're on the call. But once your DH knows you're on the call, why would he not swap to English?

You need to reassure your parents that you intend to speak English in their presence and on your calls, and that the little one will soon learn to choose switch. But there will be times until then, when there'll be blips.

I knew someone that worked for an organisation that had staff in North Wales. Someone moved from England and got a job there, then complained that the other staff spoke in their first language - Welsh - which they didn’t understand. Majority of their clients were first language Welsh as well. The Welsh Language Act prevents employers from demanding staff don’t speak Welsh at work. Very difficult situation.

It sounds like they may have an issue with them speaking Spanish at all tbh. Their father entered the room, probably didn’t realize you were on a video call, and responded when they spoke to him in Spanish. Big deal. It’s a weird thing for them to get butthurt over.

I was raised bilingual. If my grandparents overheard me talking in the language they didn’t speak they didn’t take issue with it. They didn’t try to insist that they never heard me speak another language.

They need to chill out as well. They are over reacting here, to quite a significant degree.

Tell them they’re welcome to learn Spanish too. Or what will they do? You’re the one who controls what they want - access to the grandchildren - therefore you call the shots so to speak.

Just shut them down. ‘That won’t be happening as we are a bilingual household’. ‘You are welcome to ask us to translate if we miss something’. Etc