Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

[bilingualbabies]

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them.

We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too.

Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home.

We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

1. they complain about DH speaking Spanish in his own home in the background of a call when he doesn’t even know they’re on a call. Absolutely unreasonable.
2. what do you think happens in bilingual families where neither set of parents speaks the others’ language, but they nevertheless end up being in the same room sometimes for family events? It is completely unreasonable (and bordering on racist/xenophobic) to expect to never hear a foreign language spoken in your presence.

Bringing your kids up bilingual is great and a huge asset to them. In the grandparents position I would be learning the language myself. My son has a Turkish girlfriend and although her English is great my son is learning Turkish and I'm trying to pick up a few phrases too.

Speaking another language deliberately in front of people is rude and exclusionary. I had a friend from school and when I went to their house her parents would talk to her (and each other) in Gujerati at the dinner table even though they were fluent in English (both GPs) and it made me feel very uncomfortable. To her credit my lovely friend would respond to them in English! But from what you describe, the Spanish words the grandparents hear are incidental rather than deliberate.

We have some lovely French friends and they almost always speak English in front of us except when they call each other Cheri which is so cute! Occasionally they might be trying to explain something and can't find the right English term and will briefly lapse into French to ask the other how to put it. I don't find any of that offensive in the least! I'm just a wee bit embarrassed that my schoolgirl French is so bad!

Maybe they are embarrassed that their grandchildren have such great language skills but I would say if you can't beat them, join them and download duo lingo!

@Melassa , I agree with you about is being a problem with monoglot Anglophones.

I know someone who's bilingual but her mother tongue is English. She lives in a country where English isn't the everyday language, and the daily language is totally different to English. Her children are reluctant to speak English.

@Platypusdiver , Second, it is rude to speak in a second language in the company of others, if they don't understand it. I have experienced it both sides. Even the most trivial conversations "tie up your shoes" "what do you want to drink?", leave others feeling left out, even if they are never going to be part of them.
I completely disagree with you on this. The rudeness in it is that you are reinforcing that the language you speak normally with your children is inferior.

If my Grandchildren were bilingual I would do my very best to learn their other language.

In fact if one of my children married someone with another first language I would start learning it in preparation for this very circumstance.

The fact that they choose not to means that they have to suffer the consequences.

But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

If you are with the GPs then I think it's only polite to speak English. So I'd say to the daughter that she should be asking to watch TV in English. But it's not a massive deal if she occasionally forgets. But I could see how it could feel excluding.

they complain about DH speaking Spanish in his own home in the background of a call when he doesn’t even know they’re on a call.

Here I think they are being unreasonable. He doesn't even know and it's not up to you to make your life revolve around them. Especially as you will need to make an effort to keep the Spanish up as they become more exposed to English as they spend more time outside the home.

I assume this is to do with the GPs worrying that the kids will lose their English side/they will find it hard to communicate. But that's not likely to happen given where you are living.
As someone who has wider family who speak another language - as well as some - English, I can't say I find it offensive when they switch into their own language to say something relevant only to them. Also I view it as a learning opportunity as I speak a bit of that language so it does no harm to listen!

My mother in law took English lessons for this reason.

Agree with this.

I would never ask my DH to pass me the salt in German, even if we were eating lunch with his family. It would be weird.

But sitting there chatting English and excluding everyone- that’s rude.

I have bilingual kids too, it has so many benefits for kids so carry on as you are!

But if you slipped up and asked him in German by accident, would you expect to be scolded by those present that don’t speak German? That’s the scenario the OP is asking about

Yes the children should speak English to the GPs, but we are talking about very young children. They are still learning and it will come.

Keep on powering through. Your home, your children, your rules. You are absolutely doing the right thing and if your parents don't like it they can lump it. We are also a bilingual household and faced judgement in various ways from both sets of parents. I'm very glad we held firm. DC aged 9 is fully bilingual in English and DH's mother tongue and speaks the relevant language with each set of GPs.

I never understood why it was such a bad thing for people to speak their own language in front of English speakers. All those who are complaining that it's rude and shouldn't be allowed in school - how else do people who only speak English learn, both words and how to infer content and meaning from context?

It shouldn't take a formal determination and booking of lessons for a kid (or adult) to be able to say Hello, Are you OK? Yes and No to somebody else - and a multilingual vocabulary of rude words is one of the absolute joys of working in a school, if only for the looks on the faces of the kids when they realise that Miss knows exactly what they are saying.

As no one is intending to be rude, you're not being rude.
If you had moved to Spain instead of England would they complain then?
I'm bilingual because my mum did the same with us. DH is bilingual (different language) because he moved to UK when he was 18. When I go to his parents house they speak English with me (because I've tried but can't seem to get totally fluent in theirs and their English is excellent) but if I'm not involved in the conversation then they speak their language. Because otherwise they are changing themselves and how they talk. Emotions are expressed differently in different languages and no one should be made to speak a second language just because someone in the room doesnt understand their overheard conversation. And my mum often talks to my DH in her language - even though her english is perfect - which inspired him to learn too.

I really really wish we had started with both ours when they were younger! But they're embracing my 2nd language now (because its easier than DHs) and have a few words in his.

When I would visit my grandparents when very little (no English at all) we would speak English and they would smile and be entertained and encourage us to speak their language more. Not get annoyed.

It sounds like what you are doing is perfect. You're not making the kids feel bad for speaking Spanish and teaching them when to switch and how to switch- brilliant for their brains!

For info- I now speak 5 languages and once held a conversation in a group in 4 of those simultaneously- a personal best!

Please don't worry about the names. I've spent the whole of my life explaining my first name. It teaches patience! And my second (English) surname in my mums language sounds something like Donkey. You laugh and get over it. Most people don't care.

The grandparents may want to suck up all aspects of their grandchildren, but they can’t. Their grandchildren are as Spanish as they are American/English, and that means that while they can reasonably expect to speak to them in English, sometimes they may just overhear them speaking Spanish. The children are learning something very valuable here, that not just connects them to their own heritage and culture, but stands them in good stead for the rest of their lives. You would think the grandparents would understand and support that. I do get the impression there is an element of territorialism here, and wanting to claim them as fully American/English as ‘theirs’.

The grandchildren are young, and not aren’t yet totally adept at code switching. Slip ups will happen, it’s all part of the process of learning, and that takes time. Their father was right to reply to them in Spanish, rather than suddenly speaking English and confusing them. When it comes to OPOL and instilling active bilingualism, consistency is key (particularly when they are as young as they are).

The grandparents failure to extend any grace for this and acting as if Spanish spoken in their presence is some dreadful thing, is what is rude here.

Your examples of the dc asking to watch Tv when not in an active conversation with their grandparents are completely reasonable. Many bilingual families have the ‘one language in the house, another outside’. The grandparents are being totally unreasonable if the dc aren’t addressing them. How about they learn some basics??

OP can reassure as much as she likes, but bilingual children are bilingual and they will speak whatever language comes into their head, or matches the topic to the language they usually discuss it in.

My DC are bilingual (are adults now) and they will still start a conversation with each other in English then switch to their 2nd language if it is something they don't usually discuss in English. Sometimes they will switch back, sometimes not and sometimes it is a complete mess. Anyone who would complain to me about that gets short shrift: they are talking to each other and that is it.

(i wouldn't allow them to be rude and speak in a language other people who are in the conversation don't speak)

Children also learn very very quickly to whom they need to speak which language. For OPs parents, that will be English.

I completely disagree with you on this. The rudeness in it is that you are reinforcing that the language you speak normally with your children is inferior.

Sorry I don't understand this logic. Why would one language be inferior just because you want another person to feel included?

In my case, english is the minority language. My mil doesn't understand my accent. I make sure we always speak the other language around her. I don't suppose she actually cares, but it is very easy to go from "tie your shoes laces" to "what shall we do today?". Then someone is left out wondering what you are talking about. That is unnecessary. Dd is totally bilingual and our approach hasn't done her any harm in either language.

Also, I think it unlikely that many people consider english to be inferior! And on the other hand, in this part of the world, they wouldn't consider their language to be inferior. Rather the opposite - they love having a secret language.

Because if the grandparents react with annoyance any time Spanish is spoken in their presence, even incidentally or accidentally, leading the children and their parents to avoid saying even one word in Spanish in order to avoid being told off, then that will necessarily instil in the children (deliberately or not) a feeling of shame or guilt relating to the Spanish language. Children are extremely sensitive to such things, and the parents are already at a disadvantage in teaching their children Spanish as the pull towards the dominant community language is extremely strong, and this sort of thing could easily make them not want to speak Spanish at all. It doesn’t take much.

Yeah, not really. My German ILs get offended if we speak English in front of them. We don’t do it at all now. Other nationalities are just as bad.

My son and daughter-in-law are both English speaking, but live in Italy. Both their children speak both Italian and English and I think it's great. My granddaughter who's 8 is my little personal translator when I go to visit. She does try to teach me some words, but finds my pronunciation hilarious.

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

They’re not Trump supporters are they?

Bilingual kids here (English/French)

The trick is to have one parent speak to the kids in that language, and don't switch or translate.

If they don't understand, explain what it is, rather than translating.

Example: fire truck - large wagon that firemen use to put out fires. I'd never say 'camion de pompiers'.

Your in-laws need to butt out.

@Platypusdiver

Second, it is rude to speak in a second language in the company of others, if they don't understand it. I have experienced it both sides. Even the most trivial conversations "tie up your shoes" "what do you want to drink?", leave others feeling left out, even if they are never going to be part of them.

Interested in how you would resolve the above scenario……..