Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

[bilingualbabies]

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them.

We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too.

Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home.

We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

Agree with this. Very matter of fact and cheery but making the consequences theirs not yours.

I think it’s hard in the UK to understand the racism and hatred towards Spanish and Spanish speakers in the US. My Salvadoran friend had to cancel a trip recently because she was (rightly) concerned about the situation in the US. It’s pure racism and I wouldn’t be making it OK in any way. You don’t have to have a fight, but withdrawing attention from it totally.

And I have two (and a half, and many little bit) languages and it’s brilliant!

Raising your children to be bilingual is such a gift to them. Your parents are being really unreasonable if they are objecting to your children talking to each other in Spanish in the background. The only way to stop this is to never have your children in the room when you call them. I doubt that they would like that either.

They are either paranoid about what the kids and your DH are saying, or they are being racist/xenophobic. They obviously object to your children being brought up to speak Spanish as well as English despite the fact that speaking two languages fluently is great for your kids. Also, why on earth should their dad's language be erased? What if your in-laws tried to stop your kids speaking English? Your parents would be furious.

I don't think your parents sound like decent or reasonable people. Don't pander to them. Tell them that they either see the kids on the call and accept them speaking Spanish, without complaint or snidey remarks, or they don't see them.

Ignorant people. Do not pander to them. They have to like it or lump it. Shrug when they get ‘upset’ or offended. Tell them it’s their problem.

Unbelievably pathetic people. Tell them to belt up.

OP firstly congratulations on prioritizing a second language. This is going to pay off hugely in the long run. And it will presumably help your children connect with their Spanish family members (and I'm guessing DP's familiy, cousins, etc?)

Your parents attitude is so outdated, selfish, small-minded and irritating. I am sorry you are having to navigate this. I remember hearing a quote once that America is the only country in the world where having a second language puts you at a disadvantage. Imagine! Your parents are probably products of their era and upbringing.

I am wondering if this is less about your parents hearing ambient Spanish and more about your difficulty in setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself. Because what they are "offended" by is so minor and petty and clearly they are in the wrong. It might be useful to look at this in the bigger picture of family dynamics.

In the meantime keep going! My DP spoke a second language to my children growing up and now that they are almost adults it has been an incredibly enriching experience, most of all the closeness that they have with his side of the family which would have been almost impossible without having learned the language from birth. Good luck!!

TBH I would try to relax a bit. Are the children fluent in English and Spanish? If that is what you are aiming for, let them speak English to their gps and Spanish to everyone else.
My dc's paternal gp's spoke very little English, so dc heard and spoke 2 languages right from the start.
The advantage of this is that they subsequently learn other languages easily.
My dc are now fluent in 3 and 4 languages respectively.
The majority of our friends and their dc are bilingual, being first and second generation immigrants, it is normal.

But this isn't the kids speaking directly to their grandparents in Spanish. This is OP's parents objecting when the children are speaking to each other in Spanish in the background.

They are obviously not happy with their grandchildren speaking Spanish at all. Given that they live in the US and there is lots of anti-Spanish racism over there, I think that their objections are probably due to racism/xenophobia.

They are being unreasonable.
I live in Britain and raising my son to speak my language. My British in laws think its great and have even picked up a few endearing words. If they miss something i say to him they ask.
They know my culture, language and communication with my family is as important as theirs.
When he gets older it'll be easier for him to understand code switching and jn the meantime my in laws enjoy hearing my language too.

They are being dicks. Presumably it is not news to them that your husband is Spanish-speaking. Ask them how the kids should communicate with his parents if they only speak English and tell them they have had years to start learning Spanish themselves.

Both sets of grandparents here love that my kids are bilingual even if they don't understand the other language themselves.

We do one parent, one language (DH German, me English).

That extends to Grandparents and other relatives too.

Be strict with it, and your parents will have to get over it.

I think people who only speak English are so used to being able to understand everything that they find it unnerving when they don’t. But no one has a right to dictate what language people speak together- especially in a private home setting.

I thought Americans learned Spanish at school like we learn french, so surely they should know some Spanish!

I would sincerely just ignore them. We charge ahead in our other language based on which of us is speaking to each other. We get so many compliments, and laments from people who are native speakers who say "I wish I had made the effort to speak my own language with my own kids".

My in laws have made zero effort to learn English but at least they don't complain when English is spoken.

My parents however have made an effort and are very sweet to my dh. Dad loves asking native speakers if my kids sound like foreigners and is pleased as punch when they say "no".

Perhaps you should tell your parents that if you aren't able to speak Spanish at home you'll all have to pack up and move to Spain in order not to lose the language.

I think you can engage with arguing and confrontation or you can ignore as much as possible. The gps are unlikely to change so it just has to be worked around. When they start complaining, end the call.

I think your parents are completely unreasonable. My sister is in a similar situation to you - her husband is Argentinian and she speaks fluent Spanish so their 4yo daughter is growing up bilingual. We see them a lot and occasionally they will speak Spanish between themselves because it is the language of their house. My niece finds it funny when I don’t understand something she does and then she teaches me a bit - I think that’s great!

You’ve identified the issue, I.e. your parents are insecure and controlling, so they won’t support anything they feel they can’t be part of, even if it’s beneficial for the children. Of course they could be part of it by asking the children to repeat what they said and learning a few words to encourage them, but that’s not going to happen so perhaps you can take control of the situation by raising the matter yourself when your children aren’t around to let your parents know they will continue to hear Spanish as it’s a family language and that’s how it is. There’s little point in trying to tell them you’re not intentionally leaving them out, in fact, it’s probably best to steer away from the gaslighting conversation.

On a more positive note, your children will thank you for what you’re doing!

You are giving your children a great opportunity. Your parents are being very self centred and instead of supporting learning in their grandchildren are focussing on their own feelings.

Just let them feel how they feel and don’t fix it for them. Some people really struggle to see outside of their own emotions and experiences, we all have them in our lives and have difficulty managing them but they do have to be managed.

If your parents mind so much, tell them to learn some Spanish :)

I met a German lady on holiday who’s never met her grandkids, who were born and live in South America. It was clearly a real source of pain for her, though she was stoic about it. She’s learnt Spanish to talk to them on Skype, as they don’t speak German or English. She was a wonderful woman.

Raising children bilingual gives them something valuable for life. I am bilingual and raised in an English speaking country. One thing my parents did teach me though is that it is rude to speak in a different language in front of people who don't understand it. I do agree with that as I know how it feels when people shut you out this way (intentionally or not).

I would say raising children as bilingual is excellent, but would also say that speaking one language in front of someone who doesn’t speak the same language can be rude. Obviously if your Dc are very little they’re getting to grips with the different languages, but your DH, as an adult who knows your DPs don’t speak Spanish, is being rude when he speaks Spanish in front of them - albeit on a video call. Your parents will have limited time to speak to their grandchildren as they live abroad - they may well be wondering what your DH is saying to the kids whilst on the call. Your DPs could see it as he’s potentially talking about them rudely whilst on the call. I don’t think I’d like it.
For context, I teach in a school where most of the children are bilingual and many parents don’t speak English. We do have many staff who are also bilingual and it’s hilarious when these staff call out a child or parent for something inappropriate they have said in their home language about another child or member of staff. For that reason, children are expected to speak English in school - it’s amazing how quickly a 5 yer old Punjabi speaker soon learns English when they’re immersed in the language!

I agree with this. Also, in 10, 20 years time you will wonder why you worried about this.

I think your parents are being unreasonable and massively over-reacting.
You need to shut this down in some of the ways suggested on here.
I personally find video calls quite intrusive as they tend to end up affecting or involving everyone in the house, unlike a 1:1 phone call. But if I were your husband and being expected to switch from my native mother-tongue in this way in my own home (for a call I wasn’t even part of), I’d be pretty pissed off.

I strongly disagree. It’s extremely rude. I’ve lived abroad with other native English speakers and wouldn’t have dreamed have speaking English to them in front of our local friends, even at the start when our foreign language still quite stilted.

Speaking a foreign language in front of non speakers is the same as whispering in front of them - just rude.

I also had a friend who spoke a foreign language at home, and her sister would often come out with us and they would speak together exclusively in their native language. They were also native level English speakers as they’ve lived here all their lives. We stopped hanging around with them as it was just awkward listening to them talk and not being able to join in, even if they were talking about boring admin stuff it was just rude and uncomfortable.

I think for the smaller kids it’s fine because you need to keep reinforcing the language, but once they learn to code switch part of the manners is that they speak English in front of English family.

Your parents are being ridiculous - be firm with them. Monolingual Americans and Brits often have a ridiculously narrow-minded and weirdly paranoid attitude to anyone daring to speak a different language in their presence. As if it's rude, or something. It's not rude, it's just... speaking your own language. Briefly addressing someone in that language when you are specifically talking to them is not rude or excluding to others.

In other countries in Europe it's normal to be surrounded by people speaking other languages to each other and nobody bats an eyelid. I suppose we are a small island and therefore insular. Americans don't really have that excuse though.

How old is your youngest? Can they only speak Spanish? Surely they'll be able to speak English.

Surely you know what bilingual means? It means speaking two languages. OP's children are being brought up to be fluent in English and Spanish. This is normally achieved by the OPOL system (One Parent One Language) where each parent speaks to their children in their own language until they are completely fluent in both languages.

What you are doing is fantastic and I've read if you have more than one language from young , it's easier to learn another .

My question is whether it causes any communication issue with their English speaking grandparents. If the child is still young and started to speak then it's understandable that they may speak one language, but if they're old enough to communicate they'll naturally pick up English too. So my question was how old the youngest was.