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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

135 replies

bilingualbabies · 28/08/2025 22:29

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them.

We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too.

Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home.

We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

OP posts:
PatienceOfEngels · 29/08/2025 18:37

Your parents are ridiculous. In 5 years time they will be proudly boasting to people about their bilingual grandchildren.

MY PIL were similarly sniffy when I was pregnant and said I would speak in English to our children (we live in the Netherlands and my husband is Dutch). My kids are now 10/13 and both fluent in speaking, reading and listening. Writing is tougher because of education in local Dutch schools instead of International, but this might improve with secondary education.

I also got comments if we were out at ILs and I would speak to the kids in English and someone else didn't understand, but we do OPOL so I was super consistent with them, especially when they were small. The only times I ever spoke to my kids in Dutch when they were under 8 was when they had friends over or during parent-teacher meetings (kids often present for them).

It is a great gift to give your kids, contact with their heritage, literal contact with family (I cannot imagine my kids not being able to communicate with their English family), and a useful skill for the rest of their lives (both from a major world language perspective and the benefits to the brain of bilingualism with any languages).

Lovely13 · 29/08/2025 18:40

Had the opposite. My lazy ex could barely be bothered to teach our kids his mother tongue. When they visit his country, it’s hard for them to converse with relatives. Speaking another language is a gift. Helps with brain development, all sorts. Ignore any criticism and keep going well!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2025 18:44

Dappy777 · 29/08/2025 18:24

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

Nobody's ashamed to be able to speak English. It's an advantage to be able to speak it in addition to a first (or second/third) language both when living in an English speaking country and internationally.

After centuries of other languages - including ones native to the United Kingdom - being actively, violently, suppressed with the intent of making them die, it's not exactly a great achievement to have more or less succeeded in making those languages something to hide, be ashamed of, to deny or just never have learned them out of parental fears that their child would be subjected to discrimination and abuse for knowing them.

Other countries have also sought to erase minority languages and dialects as part of controlling the pesky populations both in the home country and in their colonies - can't be having those conversations that might just lead to rebellion, resistance or any thoughts of independence, after all. And that is nothing for speakers of the dominant, conquering power to be proud of.

AngryBookworm · 29/08/2025 18:57

You're being completely reasonable and doing a great thing. As PP have said monoglot English speakers in particular tend to feel weird about people speaking another language, but they should get some perspective about what can be expected from a toddler. There are lots of things toddlers do that would be considered rude in older children or adults! Your children will benefit from growing up without the defeatist, small-minded attitude to language-learning that many people in the UK seem to embrace.

Ponyfootymama · 29/08/2025 18:58

Welsh speaking children here, DH and I not (well some but not fluent)…can’t imagine why anyone would have an issue with it. DS uses his infrequently but has the ability if he’s in Welsh speaking company or finds a job with Welsh speaking colleagues. DD is pursuing her degree in both languages, gets a financial bursary to do so and hopefully will open herself many more doors in the future. No one blinks an eye if they mix it up…would have considered it a reason to be proud of them rather than cross? Can always ask them to translate after all.

Nearly50omg · 29/08/2025 18:59

So your parents need it pointing out to them that they are racist!!! Do it very bluntly and tell them that saying it’s offensive to them what you’re doing etc is racist and you want none of it! If they do it again pull them up on it and and the call and message explaining why and that until they stop being offensive and racist you want nothing to do with them!!

InterIgnis · 29/08/2025 19:01

Dappy777 · 29/08/2025 18:24

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

If they were living in Spain and surrounded by Spanish speakers, I highly doubt anyone would be sneering at, or mocking, their parent teaching them English and actively supporting bilingualism in their children.

NaranjaDreams · 29/08/2025 19:32

Dappy777 · 29/08/2025 18:24

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

As someone who lives in Spain, I can say this isn’t the case here. It’d be celebrated.

England’s own issues with its identity don’t expand beyond the borders. There’s plenty of gripes that other countries have with us, but our literary culture is not one of them.

Fuzzypinetree · 29/08/2025 20:04

You're not alone. My DM is like that. She's a proud (self-proclaimed) racist and has huge issues with the whole concept. We live in my home country now and have spoken in English with DS throughout since moving here from the UK. My ex was barely home, so I used English as well to ensure he's getting the input. Ex is off now, busy sleeping with the ow, so there's even less input at home.
She's still telling me how rude I was when talking to my DS in English in front of her. She felt so excluded. I just keep thinking, "It's not about you. It's about him and he prefers English." He was just a toddler nattering away and telling me random stuff...
She'll insist that it's great that the kids are bilingual and then go on telling me about her cleaner, who stopped speaking Polish to her kids because it was better for them to speak the majority language. Or the random family she knows, where one parent only speaks one language and the other only the majority language and that's how it should be and what I'm doing is ridiculous. (She neglects to mention that random family's children only speak the majority language and refuse to utter a word in the minority language...How do I know? I'm involved in our local international parents' community and know quite a few families with that setup. It works for some but not for all.)
I haven't mentioned yet that DS never wanted to speak much with her because of her constant insistence that he should speak the majority language at all times. He felt put on the spot and intimidated by her when he was little and didn't want to speak in case he got something wrong and she'd go off on one again...
I'm switching to the majority language with DS nowadays when we are with my family but that's because he's 8 and very secure in English by now. I still speak English with DD and try hard to stick to that. Ex isn't on the scene for her, so no input from that side at all. Her nursery are aware and fully supportive. They have promised to ensure she's fine in the majority language and I should just keep talking to her in English.
It's just tedious having to battle my parents on that constantly.

PinkStingray · 29/08/2025 21:09

My children are bilingual. They were raised in the UK and they learnt my own language with me and my husband who is fluent in it.
When they went to school they didn't want to speak it, they didn't want to be different but as they got old they wanted to use it more and more.
Don't worry about your parents, as the children get older they will learn to speak English to them.
It's very hard to raise and keep young children bilingual when outside all they hear is English. Persevere or they will loose it.
My children are adults now and fluent, at home we speak a salad, moving from one language to the other. In front of non speakers we always speak English.

Parisienne123 · 29/08/2025 21:27

My kids are pretty much trilingual and it’s served them well. It’s a huge gift you are giving to your children, your parents are being unreasonable and should be thrilled for their grandchildren.

Smittenkitchen · 29/08/2025 22:10

My kids are bilingual, none of the grandparents have ever made any negative comments when the kids speak the other language DGP's don't understand much of. I always speak English to DCs no matter who else is there as it isn't the dominant language where we live. DC knows which language to speak in with each set of GP, or at least they will as they get older. I of course speak to my in-laws in their language. I don't think even this way of doing things is rude, we often translate when necessary, or DC translate or things are pretty obvious from context when in person. What you do, OP, is certainly not rude or objectionable. It is entirely their problem. If they keep on about it I think you should really lay out what you've said in your OP and say it really bothers you.

Diblin93 · 30/08/2025 00:04

If my grandchildren were bring brought up like yours are, I would be learning Spanish too so I could share this journey with them. I could make mistakes. They could laugh at me and correct me. This is how you build bonds. Keep doing what you’re doing. If the grandparents are too inflexible to think outside the box it’s they’re loss.

Nanof8 · 30/08/2025 04:32

Your parents are being very unreasonable. I would be pleased if my grandchildren were learning a second language. In fact I would probably try to learn some of it as well.
The children learn quickly which language to speak with who. I grew up with several families that were bilingual and they always spoke one language at home and the other when they were out.
So your house, your rules, it doesn't sound like they are speaking Spanish to exclude your parents.

PinkFlloyd · 30/08/2025 04:40

It's an amazing gift to be able to give your DC. Surely your parents understand the benefits of them being bi-lingual. I think they're being selfish to consider their discomfort over a few words is worth creating an issue within your family. I'm also shocked 8% think you're unreasonable.

Snakebite61 · 30/08/2025 09:56

bilingualbabies · 28/08/2025 22:29

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them.

We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too.

Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home.

We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

Oh dear. They aren't magas are they?
I wouldn't let my kids near any of them. Even family.

TaborlinTheGreat · 30/08/2025 11:26

Dappy777 · 29/08/2025 18:24

You write "we want the kids to learn Spanish and feel proud of that part of their identity/culture," and of course that's fine. But if someone came on here and wrote "we want our kids to read Shakespeare and Jane Austen and Dickens and feel proud of their English-British identity" I guarantee you'd be overwhelmed with posts mocking them and sneering at the very idea. The left have done such a good job of making English and British identity toxic that people's responses are as predictable as trained seals.

Except that English is the dominant language in most of the world. 'The left' don't seem to have changed that.l, do they? Anyway, presumably the reason that the OP and her dh want to make an effort to maintain the children's connection with the Spanish side of their culture is that they live in the UK and will be surrounded by Britishness, not because they regard UK culture as shameful or inferior Hmm.

FinallyHere · 30/08/2025 11:33

Absolutely agree that deliberately speaking in a language in front of someone who does not understand it is not right. However, that is not was OP described, the cases mentioned where DH coming into a room without knowing that a video call was in progress or the DC talked together ‘off camera’ not as part of the conversation.

quite a different matter.

the grandparents are being short sighted by not entering into to the spirit of their multi cultural family. However, short term I’d encourage you to wear the kind of open ear bone conducting headphones so you can hear everything in the room but the grandparents on the video call only hear you.

mamagogo1 · 30/08/2025 11:36

When you visit it is polite to speak English, as it is on video chats, you can speak Spanish the rest of the time - you admit you don’t see them often.

MageQueen · 30/08/2025 11:41

SO ridiciulous. I have neices and nephews who are growing up bilingual and NO grandparent has ever had an issue, even though only one of the four is properly bilingual themselves.

At our wedding we all found it adorable how DN was 3 and could understand everything everyone said in both languages, but tended to just speak german back which caused endless amusement and someone had to be on standby for translation. By the end of her 2 weeks with us, she had switched to speaking English all the time.

All of them are fully bilingual now and it is only a good thing - the 3 year old from my wedding has been travelling the world and is not just bilingual but also speaks excellent French and a bit of Italian too which is helping her as she travels. She was muttering about trying to learn some Chinese last time I saw her!

mondaytosunday · 30/08/2025 11:57

Why not video call you parents, have the kids speak to them a bit in English, then you live to another room? It must be very annoying for everyone if there’s constant chatter in the background during phone calls no matter what language!
My take is they are worried they are left out - but if your kids ideal English when visiting them this can’t be much of an issue. I do not get that they don’t like them speaking Spanish at all or their heritage - and I may have missed it if you said where your parents live in the US but I am amused how some people take it that Americans think of it as a ‘lower tariff’ language! Maybe in some places they do. Spanish is pretty much everywhere in the US, you could take either Spanish or French in school, many shop signs are in both languages (I’m talking about Boston where I have family, not a southern state near Mexico or California). My sister speaks Spanish. No ine I know thinks of it as anything other than a very useful language to know!

Original poster
bilingualbabies · 30/08/2025 13:16

This is true, and my parents do live in a state where there are A LOT of Spanish speakers. Politically they are also on the far right and, as one pp asked, yes they are avid Trump supporters.

@mondaytosunday , the tricky thing about not having the kids around is that my parents WANT to watch them playing so I often talk to them and have the video on the kids. If I try to talk to them one-to-one, quite honestly we quickly run out of things to say as I can't be myself around them--not just with language. I know that sounds bad but I do still love my parents and want to maintain some of a relationship with them. The kids also adore them and they are very good with them otherwise.

I'm building up the courage to tell them my thoughts, but in past experience an honest conversation won't go well, and they are the ones that keep pressuring me for a clear explanation (which they are expecting will be me saying okay and agreeing to their requests). I'm trying to strike a balance between letting them know I understand they want to feel included, while also keeping up our own family values. As I said before, we do speak English to them, only the little one would ever not know to code switch and he'll get that in a few years. But it saddens me to not be able to share things like a cute video because I think, 'Oh, we spoke Spanish in this one' or if we video call for a birthday we always sing Happy Birthday in English and then a Spanish version (and add the British hip, hip hurray now at the end, as my daughter has learned this from parties). They don't like that either. So we'd have to literally do multiple videos or multiple birthday cake candles.

I do think deep down they do not like that my kids are not 'all American' and that's part of why I'm quite sensitive about it because it's not just about understanding the language or being more involved.

I do cut down massively on video calls when we have these little blow ups, and we won't be staying at their house anymore when visiting so they do lose out in the end, which sucks for everyone.

For the PP who mentioned British culture, we are all British citizens. My children were both born in England and as a result see themselves as British (well, the oldest anyway and I am sure the youngest will too). I'm proud for them to be multicultural and we fully embrace the culture here, but I also teach them about their heritage. This includes American heritage, but the Spanish side (husband is Puerto Rican), is going to be much less represented so we have to work A LOT harder to help them learn about what it means to be Puerto Rican. Language is just one part of it, but it is important as they do have family who are not very fluent in English and it keeps up bonds with that side of the family.

OP posts:
Mushypeasandlemonjuice · 30/08/2025 13:37

We had similar when our eldest (now 15) was little. GPs would expect me to translate every conversation between our child and their father, and I did. Then after a few years I realised that, despite us living in the non-English country and them visiting multiple times a year, they’d not even bothered to learn basic phrases (hello/thank you etc). It just felt a complete lack of respect and instead of being proud of their grandchildrens bilingualism, they were irked that they weren’t acting ‘British’ enough (proud is not quite the right word but hope you get what i mean). Now, the kids speak to them in English but we no longer translate mini-convos that don’t concern them and when visiting them, we continue to use both languages when speaking amongst ourselves.

Keep going, you’re giving your kids a great skill. As a pp said, bilingual kids find learning languages easier - Ours have independently each learnt a third language & love etymology which is a great help for school. Bilingualism from a young age takes away the fear of making mistakes with language and thats a huge advantage.

drspouse · 30/08/2025 13:37

Another point you may find makes them more sympathetic - my DNs are bilingual and my DM has learned their other language, so she can get by when visiting, but my DCs are adopted and my DM is very sympathetic to the idea that their birth grandparents won't see much of them growing up (in fact we have met them, but it's not to the same extent). Might your parents feel for their co-grandparents needing to be able to communicate with their grandchildren?

BountifulPantry · 30/08/2025 15:06

your parents sound like really hard work.

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