Raising Kids Bilingual-Trouble with Grandparents

[bilingualbabies]

Posting as I’m genuinely wondering if I’m being unreasonable to want my parents to be more accepting of the fact that we are raising our kids bilingual. For background, my parents are extremely insecure and can be very controlling in their behavior. That said, I still love them and want to maintain a relationship with them.

We live in the U.K. and they are in the U.S. Husband’s native language is Spanish and my Spanish is decent. I’ve always valued multilingualism and learning about other cultures so we were both very keen to teach kids Spanish. We live in an area where there are few Spanish speakers so it’s really down to us to help the kids learn, so we’re really focused on getting them to speak it in the house as much as we can. My youngest child is just learning to speak so this is extra important and we encourage our older child to speak Spanish with the little one too.

Recently my parents have fixated on this as they’ll hear the kids speaking in Spanish when we video chat. Or the little one will say a Spanish word. We normally translate but we might miss things from time to time if the kids are chattering to themselves and we are talking to my parents. Their perspective is they feel left out and want to know what the kids are saying. Our perspective is we want the kids to know Spanish and feel proud of that part of their culture/heritage. The oldest always speaks in English to her grandparents. She’s old enough to know how to code switch. She will speak Spanish to her dad/my husband sometimes but it’ll be something like “Can I watch TV?” or something irrelevant to the conversation with my parents. Or husband might walk into the room during a video call and naturally speak Spanish with the kids as we’re literally in our own home.

We only visit once a year at most so not much in person interaction, but it’s really stressing me out on how to respond. I understand them wanting to understand the kids, and we’re happy to translate if they ask what was said and usually do this automatically. But they are insisting the kids, husband and I ALWAYS speak 100% English in front of them because we’re being rude and leaving them out.

So AIBU? If anyone’s been in a similar situation I’d really like to hear what you chose to do and how things worked out.

My kids are bilingual and I insist they speak the language of the people who need to understand the conversation. It is rude to not have them speak English with their grandparents.
Code switching correctly comes eventually but they must learn. I researched and wrote about code switching in children for my Post graduate studies. They should also in my view be speaking your mother tongue with you. It is reasonable to have two (or more!) languages spoken in the home. It actually facilitates code switching development when they associate a certain language with a certain person. Additionally unless your language is native level you’ll inadvertently add in idiomatic phrases which may not be correct.

@justasking111 , I don't think it is bad manners. I don't speak English to someone I normally speak with in Welsh, unless non-Welsh speakers are actively part of the conversation.

What is bad manners is when the words spoken in one language are used deliberately to exclude someone.

I should add with AND in front of!

I can understand your parents perspective, they see their GCs rarely in person and when they see them on video calls they sometimes can't understand what they are saying. It must be frustrating for them.

As you say it's impossible to control which language the toddler uses, but you could make sure your DH knows when you are on a call to your parents, 'Just calling mum and dad', so he knows to speak English if he comes in. This phase won't last long so all you can do is translate, explain toddler doesn't know which language is which yet so there is nothing you can do about what they say. I'm not up with the technology, but are there automatic translation devices they could use?

Can you point out tot your parents that, of necessity, it's going to be a fairly short-lived problem? As the children get older they will naturally change their language according to who they're dealing with, and as time goes on they're less likely to be playing in the background when you video call your parents.

In the meantime, surely it wouldn't hurt for your parents to learn Spanish - practising it with their grandchildren could be a fun thing they do together. Duolingo is quite a good free starting point, though it is angled more towards South American Spanish.

Your parents are being completely unreasonable IMO. My children grew up bilingual and in the beginning were always mixing things up. Both sets of grandparents were fluent in basic kid - ‘again’, ‘climb’ ‘drink’ ‘playground’ etc etc before they turned 2 and used those words in the other language with them too if they slipped up and used the wrong one in a sentence. It was cute. This is your parents’ insecurities coming out. Eventually as you say they code switch to the person. At that point we simply responded in the common language if others were present - they get what is going on then. Then when a little older, they will learn to politely use the common language when in company even when speaking to another native person.
Personally I’d tell your parents if it bothers them that much they should take classes and learn it! My child grew up and married a partner whose native language I didn’t speak. I am learning it for the sake of my grandson and to be able to communicate with those members of his family who don’t speak English. Im not saying they ‘should’ do this but no way would I accept my kids feeling guilty for using one of their languages, like there was something shameful about it. If your parents don’t like it, they can fix themselves.

I would say raising children as bilingual is excellent, but would also say that speaking one language in front of someone who doesn’t speak the same language can be rude. Obviously if your Dc are very little they’re getting to grips with the different languages, but your DH, as an adult who knows your DPs don’t speak Spanish, is being rude when he speaks Spanish in front of them - albeit on a video call.

Fuck em, they should have started learning Spanish when OP and her DH got married.

The majority of people in the world apeak in more than one language. There is evidence to show it's better for the brain and for learning to be multi lingual. That said, native English speakers tend to be monoglots of they can!
As PPs have said, I womder if it's a prejudice against Spanish per se, would they feel the say of your children were spealing French or German? Or some regreat over not having 'all American" grandchildren.

You say they are insecure and can be controlling, I think this is qnother example to be honest.

Oh my goodness, no you are doing a wonderful thing for your children, with the language and appreciation for ‘their’ culture which is partly yours and partly your husbands. They will never lose it even if they don’t use it much as they grow older.
My husband was brought up in Scandinavia until he started school and although his parents moved here, he became an English child because he wanted to fit in with his friends. His sister very much maintained her love of her home country and as she got older used the language regularly and passed it into her children. My children obviously didn’t benefit because my husband doesn’t feel the need to maintain or use it but that was very much his choice even though his parents tried to encourage it through his childhood.
My brother married a Spanish speaker and she taught both her sons the language as young children, although now as teenagers they also show no interest.
But that knowledge hasn’t disappeared and never will even if it isn’t actively used. I would of loved to have been able to speak and understand another language from birth and was always a bit jealous that although my mum as well was brought up in another country (USA), she spoke English!!!! However, I benefited very much from her other culture and visits to the States and celebrations there and feel this helped me to appreciate that we aren’t all born White British (as currently seems to be an issue) and come from lots of different places in the world and identify as British.
Carry on as you are and explain to your parents that your children are the product of two cultures and this is something that you will promote because that is what you owe them as their parents. Not something to be ashamed of.

I spend a lot of time in my DH country. Whilst we speak their language with them, when DS and I are conversing privately amongst ourselves, even if they're there, we speak English. General conversation for everyone to hear, obviously we switch to their language. Private conversation where the family don't need to know .... because, sometimes, my teen wants to talk without the whole family hearing, English.

Your parents are being ridiculous. As long as your kids talk to them in English, I can't see the problem.

This. At least a few words. My DH family don't speak any English. I learned their language from scratch, but it's incredibly tiring having to process what they're saying, formulate a response abd then translate the answer before replying. Even then I get it wrong, as my ironic/flippant SOH literally gets list in translation and causes issues.

Me speaking my mother tongue to my DS during several weeks in DH country is me being able to relax and be the real me.

Tell them to learn Spanish.

I think your parents are being massively unreasonable.

We are close friends with a couple where the DH is Chinese and the DW is English; when we're together, he sometimes speaks Mandarin to the kids. Not stuff we'd need to know, just things like "pick your coat up" or "look at this". Usually he translates afterwards, but even if he doesn't, it's fine. I assume it's not stuff I need to know! What I do know is that it's hard for him to keep up the kids Mandarin when they are exposed to English 95% of the time, and its important for them to be able to communicate with his family. So I support it because they're friends. It's not hard!

Their grandkids are half Spanish and its reasonable to assume they'll speak Spanish in the family. It would be rude to use Spanish in a conversation in which they are involved, but as a side-exchange when they happen to be in the same house or on a video call, they need to let it go.

It's a shame and very selfish that they would prioritise their comfort over something that in the end is of significant benefit to the child.

I would just tell them that you are a joint nationality household and you will teach them the languages of both sides so they can communicate with both sets of grandparents, and if that causes the odd communication issue then that is better than one side or the other not being able to communicate.

If you live in England whether you like it or not they will probably naturally gravitate to the language they speak outside the house, so in time it will probably be harder for you to maintain the other language skills.

Your parents need to understand that this is only a short term thing while your DC are young. Once they are older they will learn to only speak English in front of those Grandparents. And honestly, if it so upsetting for your parents, I would have less video calls, as they are being ridiculous.

This is completely unreasonable and your parents need to wind their necks in.

I'd point out that if they're going to get offended about what they overhear when you're on the phone or when they visit your house, a simple solution would be to phone and invite them less often.

You could suggest they take Spanish lessons themselves.

This only ever seems to be a problem with monoglot Anglophones. My DD is bilingual, in her case English was the minority language as we live outside the UK, I spoke to her all the time in English, including in front of non English speakers. No one got offended, most commented on what an excellent thing we were doing.

Why do monoglot Brits/Americans get so offended? Is it because it highlights their lack of linguistic ability, or is it an imperialistic hangover where English must be the only important language?

@bilingualbabies You will be giving them a gift! Stick with it. Bizarre attitude from grandparents. They will have an advantage in school when they learn Spanish and how great for holidays. Keep going with it and look at how you can enhance their love of Spanish if they are good at it. Ignore grandparents. In this instance they don’t rule you or your husband. I cannot understand why anyone would be against it!

What part of US are they in? I'm a bit surprised they don't speak a bit of Spanish, especially if they're in the southern part of the country. Travelling in CA and FL, we found a bit of Spanish very useful, not to say polite.

The fact they cba to learn, and don't want to hear it spoken, does give a clue to how they perceive Spanish-speakers. I'd be doubling down tbh and absolutely ensuring your kids speak it and your DH feels free to speak his language when he wants.

This is an interesting point.

I read a book about raising bilingual children which goes into some detail about how the challenges of getting kids to speak the minority language are different depending on whether the language in question is perceived as a "high status" or a "low status" language.

So it's much easier for me, living in France, to get my children to speak English, than it would be for a Romanian mother living in the UK to get her children to speak Romanian. Because English is the ultimate high status language and everyone here, even young children, understands that being able to speak it is a good thing.

The author makes an interesting observation about Spanish, which is that Spanish is considered a high status language in Europe and a low status language in the US. Lots of people in the UK would love to be able to speak fluent Spanish, because it's seen as a nice, first world, European language which will also be useful for going on holiday to Spain or South America, both of which are seen as attractive destinations. Whereas in the US, people are more likely to see Spanish as the language of poor, possibly illegal, immigrants. I also think that most people in the UK consider Spanish people to be white (albeit less pasty than us), whereas in the US, Hispanic people are considered non-white. So there is potentially some snobbery and racism from the OP's American parents contributing to their feelings about their children speaking Spanish.

Don't move your family to the US, OP!

Yes, I speak French to my in laws but English to my children in front of my in laws, with zero issues.

They are happy and proud that their grandchildren are bilingual.

We once had one of her classmates shout “speak English!” to her when passing by our family on the school run. Another kid has teased her about her Spanish surname (it would be a bit revealing to say what it is, and the name they change it to isn’t a bad word but it’s still impolite to her and clearly intended to taunt her).

This needs to be nipped in the bud. It is racism/xenophobia/othering.
Speak to and write to the school.

OP has said they don’t like it when her DH speaks Spanish even when he’s just entered the room and doesn’t know they’re on a video call. In other words, they object to him speaking his own language in his own house when he thinks no one else is around! They don’t even like being sent cute videos where the kids can be heard speaking Spanish. They are racists/xenophobes and should not be pandered to.

How do you think bilingual families get on when there are members who can’t speak the other language? My DH is French, and actually my mum speaks French and most of his family speak at least a bit of English, but my dad doesn’t speak a word of French, and one of my BILs (and all of the French children) don’t speak any English at all, so what do you think happens when we’re all together? Necessarily someone has to tolerate hearing a language they don’t understand at some point. It’s part of life. You can either choose to assume the worst of everyone and assume they are talking about you, or you can think “wow, how interesting, I’d love to understand what they’re saying” (or the intermediate position: which is to shrug and assume it’s not relevant to you). Hearing my mum speak French to people and not understand it was what motivated me to learn French myself.

your DH should be speaking in English when you're in their presence. Like it or not, speaking to each other or your kids in Spanish in front of the grandparents does exclude them.

This. We are in a bilingual family. You have two issues here:
First, bringing up kids bilingually. Great that you are doing it. And yes it needs loads of re-enforcement at home because when they get older, they will switch to their friends'/community language (english), unless you have really ingrained it as the family language.

Second, it is rude to speak in a second language in the company of others, if they don't understand it. I have experienced it both sides. Even the most trivial conversations "tie up your shoes" "what do you want to drink?", leave others feeling left out, even if they are never going to be part of them.

Grandparents want to suck up all aspects and the kids won't suffer from 2 weeks of only english once a year.

The only think YABU about is not firmly telling your parents that your priority is what's best for your kids, not their feelings, and if they don't like it then they can just go ahead and not like it.

You're pandering to them too much.