I can’t figure out who is right here.

[iamamickey]

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

Reading this I thought he has to be step dad and no real blood dad would treat their child like this.

and yes your 2ns reply confirms it

what an absolute arse your dh is

course if you can afford it you help your dd. And If you can’t afford it , you do the research for her to find someone who can mend her car

Is your daughters university loan reduced due to the means testing applied to your household? Do you make atvleast the required parental contribution?

My son is due to go to uni in about 3 years and I'm starting to look into getting a second job so I'm able to help him. The money students are lent via the maintenance loan doesn't even cover their rent for most students.

It’s really that simple if it was my daughter my husband would take it upon himself to get it fixed. That’s his daughter & she needs it. He wont have someone trying to rip her off thinking she doesn’t know any better & he couldn’t bear the thought of her breaking down. Our children know the value of money however she is not working so this would not be something she would ever have to worry about. Just because she is 23 does not mean Mum & Dad are not there for her, being a Parent is a lifelong commitment as we chose to have children. OP you are not doing the wrong thing here your husband is. Pls go ahead and help your daughter.

@iamamickey It would be reasonable for parents to help with navigating the repair process as they will have experience there, but I'm not sure why there are so many people who seem to think that a car owner shouldn't pay for their own car.

Well he isn't really stepping into the parental role is he? I'm a lot older than your daughter and I'm always asking for advice from my male friend who knows about cars. I bet my house that if a young pretty woman started at his workplace and asked him why she should get her brakes sorted he'd be all over it. Do you want your husband share a bank account? Your daughter is at university and still needs your help. That's absolutely fine and you should help her. If he's not happy with that then he knows where to go. Let me guess, he moved into your house?

@Winter2020 My son is due to go to uni in about 3 years and I'm starting to look into getting a second job so I'm able to help him. The money students are lent via the maintenance loan doesn't even cover their rent for most students.

Could he get a job instead?

Agree she is likely to get ripped off if she goes to garage herself. Sad but true. Your DH is being a total arse.

Why is this an either/or situation.

She’s old enough and should be capable of making initial enquiries and taking the lead on arranging for the car to be looked at, but as an adult and a very capable one, there are sometimes situations where I need the help of someone who has more experience in a subject than I do. So let her know that while she needs to make the arrangements you would be happy to help her if she wants you to. Then if she asks, you should help her. With regard the money, that depends on whether you have it available. I would probably lean towards it being a shared cost, you will contribute or loan her some of it, but she needs to pay some of it to. Maintenance costs are an essential part of car ownership, if she has access to money or the ability to earn money to put towards the cost then she should pay towards it.

im 30 and I live on my own with a car and a flat to rent with a 3 year old. My mum still
gave me £600 around 3 months ago to get my car fixed. I also find it quite awful
that he thinks he can do that when he’s not even her bio dad. He probably would move the earth had she be his. I would do it for my children whether he said to or not and she will probably struggle and feel
like she can’t ask you for a thing if
she catches wind of this and you let
him win which could fracture your own relationship.

she will one day most likely get into a position she won’t need help but right now she does she’s still learning and growing

Random garage ? Possibly.
Garage that family have trusted for years? - very unlikely
Local independent garage that relies on it's reputation ? - very unlikely

Why is it so strange to think that the dd can't go to the garage her parents use? That's what my dc do. That's what plenty of my friends do, who asked about where I take my car and then I recommended my garage to them ? If neither parent drives, then they probably can't help, (and would be in the same boat as the dd) but the dd is living at home, so presumably they have colleagues, friends, neighbours etc who would offer recommendations ?

How would it benefit my mechanic to start ripping off people, when he gets all his business from recommendations ? Why are so many people walking 'cold' into garages rather than asking for recommendations ?

My thoughts exactly. Don’t faff around with car brakes.

I mean it's just brakes. Why have a car if you can't manage something as simple as.

Here's betting that he thought he'd finally got rid of her - and then she came back.

Dickhead.

Go with her, make sure she doesn't get ripped off and pay for it. If he's so determined that she's not allowed to have support from her mother anymore (because it means he gets more attention/control), it won't be long before she's off again permanently.

There's a midpoint option.

She should sort out the repairs herself, she's an adult. My 19yo DD organised her car repair last month because she's competent. At 4 years older than that, I'd expect your DD to be capable of booking her car in

You should definitely contribute towards the cost of the repairs, though. The student loan doesn't have enough slack on it to cover things like this in most cases. And if there's one part of the car you don't want to skimp on, it's brakes.

It's normal to want to help your kid out no matter their age. We all have times we're skint and could do with some support.

This is interesting. I quietly started to think you shouldn’t help her, she can handle that..

But, when I was about the same age, I got a job in a remote area. I really needed the job, it was in my field and I had been applying for permanent jobs for a long while, whilst doing multiple other jobs. I had moved out years before.

So I moved to the remote area with a car I hired for 2 weeks. Then I had to buy a car with a small amount of money I had. I called my father and asked if he would come to the garage to see the car with me. I thought he’d like it, as he knew about cars, I knew nothing. I also thought it would be a nice bonding thing to do. He started shouting at me that I shouldn’t have moved there without a car, I was stupid, he wouldn’t come with me. (Do note, I made it very clear I didnt expect any financial help, I just wanted/ hoped to have his thoughts on the car.) Anyway, after the shouting he refused to come.

I went and test drove the car and bought it alone. Indeed, I had no idea if it was good. I’ll never forget him shouting, when I was simply, kindly asking for his help and expertise.

So, instead of my initial thoughts, brought on by my experiences and conditioning… I think it would be nice if you help you daughter, if she wants the help x

Perhaps the problem is your husband ‘never had any help’ and that’s why he is brittle now and doesn’t want to help?

And when do you think she gets to study and rest whilst doing a full time placement. Not everyone has boundless energy even at 23!

I hope he will get a job soon and work at uni. Music is his thing so probably paid gigs building on some he has done and trying to gig weekly. As he can charge £100 plus for a couple of hours it's more attractive than minimum wage for a (soon to be) 16 year old.

However I have put our household income into the Government means tested calculator and if he studied in London (where some top music colleges are) he would be entitled to a £6,800 maintenance loan each year. The cheapest room in halls when I looked is £230 a week so over 10k if it is based on 44 weeks . That's if he can get one of the cheapest rooms. So he's over 3k short on rent (at least ) before he has a penny to live on. These figures are based on going to uni this September but I assume broadly indicate the situation in 3 years time also.

Going to study music in the current economy is a complete privilege but I'd love it so much if he can. It might be that it's not possible financially to go to London but we do have a live at home option too.

Your husband sounds like a dick to be honest. If you can financially afford it then yes of course help her if it is going to make her life easier. Yes she’s an adult but that doesn’t make her more financially independent sadly. Times for the generation below us is sadly poor.

However, teach her some life skills and get her to sort out her own repairs. You won’t always be around to help her so should learn how to arrange to have her car fixed.

What the hell does that matter? Seriously maybe she started later, maybe she had a year out, maybe she was ill, what difference does it make? I finished uni in my 30s and Im proud of it

Absolutely. Safety for any of my children is a priority and their age is irrelevant!

My DD is younger- 17.
She gets PIP higher rate care, a £1200 payment each academic year to help with her studies (can't remember what it's called)

I pay for her fuel and her father pays for the car costs, except fuel, which I give her £100 for per week. DD pays for her lunches and coffees out but I put £75 a month onto her college account for food she eats in college itself (McDonald's etc comes put of her pocket)
Essential clothing I pay for. Fashion choices she now funds. Basic needs and phone contract are also my cost to meet.

Social stuff is generally her cost to pick up.

These young years are for guiding them, and easing them into adulthood, I think little by little, with opportunity to enjoy life a little is important. I'd hate the idea that my child was concerned about having their car looked at- and in future she may choose not to have her car looked at through fear of cost. Her father may want to consider if he would ever forgive himself if that decision ever arose and she came to harm.

Yes, I would go along and help or at least your husband should. Cars are complicated beasts and the more info you can pass onto her for the future, to avoid getting ripped off the better.

Your daughter has a shitty step dad.

Do you have seperate money ?
if so and if you want to help her out I wouldn't let him tell me what to do with my money.
Would he take notice if you told him how to spend his money ?