Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

If OP’s parents can stoop to dressing up a wedding gift as a loan three years later because they want it back to pay for a cruise, then I would suggest that no, she doesn’t have a good relationship with them - quite the opposite. And posters advising her to make whatever payments she can afford are giving her terrible advice. This was not a loan. There is no loan agreement. OP can’t afford to pay it back. Offering to pay whatever she can sets up a repayment agreement which could be seen as a loan agreement if it goes to court.

If I were OP I would refuse to pay a penny and tell parents they will have to go through the small claims process - which will fail because there is nothing in writing and no mention of any expected repayment for three years. I’d point out that had l known it was a ‘loan’ I would have spent within the original budget and and certainly not spent an extra £4,200 for the upgrades, not including the harpist, or the fact that a lot of parents friends had to be catered for.

OP’s parents upgraded according to what they wanted the wedding to be, and now they’ve realised it’s cost them the cruise they wanted. Should have thought of that at the time. If anything is worthy of going NC, it’s this. Appalling behaviour.

OP indicated that the total came to £10,000, so I read it as that being with the ‘upgrades’. It would have been approximately £4200 cheaper without the hog roast and the wedding dress and veil, and cheaper again without the harpist and extra guests the parents wanted there.

Don't give them a penny. They lied to you. You would never have spent £10k if they hadn't said they were paying. They wanted you to have a lavish wedding. They can't make a gift into a loan retrospectively. It cannot be enforced as a loan if they don't have any evidence of it having been agreed as a loan. Sadly it seems they value money more than family.

Unless they gave you a cheque for £10k before the wedding, it’s going to be impossible for them to prove they loaned you that sum of money expecting it to be repaid.

Have you recently started to pull away from their control and become more independent? I wonder of they’re trying to punish you? Do they think your husband is earning a lot more than he really is or is he expecting an inheritance soon and they want some if it?

There’s definitely something else at play here!

You can't pay them back now, they must be able to understand that you don't have a spare 10K hanging around. Offer to pay them £100 a month or whatever you can afford if you don't want to fall out with them, but first remind them what happened during the wedding planning, especially that they invited extra guests and upped various costs. They could be experiencing some level of cognitive decline and have genuinely forgotten the sequence of events.

Get a job and pay it back.

The parents have entered the chat.

Thank you everyone for your messages. I've read all of them. To answer some questions.

1. i don't have any siblings im an only child, so there's never been a difference between me and siblings
2. they aren't short of any money recently went on a cruise this year around the med and also went to Italy
3. thinking about it my relationship with my parents I'm not sure even if it is a 'good relationship'
4. during the speeches husband did thank my mom and dad for all they have done for us
5. i don't see my parents as much anymore as I'm a mom with little ones and they never visit so always have to visit them.
6. I'm going to go through emails to see exactly what money was spent on what
7. we paid an extra £7-8k for our wedding but it's things we both wanted.
8. We also don't have any savings as we just used our savings for a new boiler and washing machine.
9. we didn't have a cheque they paid upfront to suppliers, wedding dress shop etc.
10. I will look into legal advice as I've already got 3 missed calls from my mom this morning.

thank you for all your advice, I'm feeling very emotional by all of this.

I'm a qualified dental nurse with twins and another baby on the way. I've took time out of my career as we don't have childcare.

OP is expecting another baby as well as having 18 month old twins. How easy will it be for her to get a job with a salary that will cover child care costs for three very young children and paying back the so-called 'loan' to her parents?

Why should she ? It wasnt a loan, it was a gift. She doesn’t owe them a penny.

But they wanted a lot of these extras not you, the hog, the harpist, the dress that was 3 times the cost of the one you chose!! They convinced you these things were needed……I think this is very unfair, you need to come to some agreement here, pay them some of it back but in instalments when you can afford it

Get a job and pay it back. Don't ever barrow. You sound very entitled and lazy. They are probably seeing you living the high life going abroad. Stop relying on people. I would love to hear the parents side of the story as this is 1 sided. You are lucky to have parents to help you. Start saving and get to work. I bet your parents are beyond disappointed with you for not working either. What happened if your partner left you! You have put yourself in a vulnerable position.

I think your original message before editing was much more fun. Let's keep it visible

I doubt that @Alice19876 will be able to earn much over and above the childcare costs, @Fairyladyonwheels.

If I were you, @Alice19876, I would say to your parents that it was your clear understanding that the money for the wedding was a gift, and the word loan was never mentioned, and that, if it had been clear it was a loan, you and your dh would not have agreed to the extras such as the hog roast and the harpist, but would have made more economical choices. If they are going to insist on repayment, they need to understand that, given your circumstances, you can’t repay the whole sum at once, but are willing to look at your budget and find a sum that you can pay them monthly - but that is the best you can do.

Like a pp said, is there something else going on here? Eg are they annoyed you don’t see them much or do they think you are better off than you are? Do they disapprove of you not working and think your husband is well off? Did they not like you going on holiday or something?

I can’t see why they left it more than three years to suddenly say it was a loan.

How old are your parents? Are they both on the same page on this?

Unless they were very badly off financially, I'd be shocked by any parent giving only £100 when their child married, especially when they added thousands to the bill.

You're being sensible to get legal advice but I don't think they have a leg to stand on unless they can produce written evidence that the money for the wedding was a loan.

They sound so dreadful though that I would be wary of them producing some paperwork that they have mocked up themselves so seeking legal advice is the right thing to do.

Sounds like they wanted to show off to their friends with a fancy wedding you didn't even particularly want.
They sound absolutely horrible OP. Thank goodness you have a lovely husband and children.

I'd honestly encourage them to take you to small claims court so that they can be officially told they don't have a legal leg to stand on.

What utterly appalling behaviour from your parents.

Did you have a flash holiday this year or something? And they thought they wouldn’t be able to afford the same and started to get resentful over it.

Also £100 for a wedding present doesn’t sound right for an only child.

Were they generous when you had your children?

"we didn't have a cheque they paid upfront to suppliers, wedding dress shop etc."

So they neither gave you a loan nor a gift, they bought themselves the wedding they dreamed of for their daughter. OK, you were allowed to participate, but it was basically their wedding.

You owe them nothing. They owe you an apology. Might be wise not to hold your breath. Can you get each one alone and try to find out who is driving this? Or, then again, not bother and leave them to it. They may have a change of heart at some point.

I would say that it was them that insisted on the more expensive options and them that insisted on paying and it was never a loan. Don’t pay them anything. What kind of parents do this!!!

I've just read your original version before you edited it. What a spiteful rant that was. I don't think you can call anyone who is looking after 18 month old twins lazy. Plus, as OP and other posters have said, if it was a loan, why didn't they ask OP to pay it back straight away, while she was still working and didn't have any children? Why wait until she has toddler twins and a baby on the way to demand that she repays £10,000 within a year?

No, you absolutely do NOT pay that money back.

Write them an email explaining that it was a gift and this was mutually understood. Had it not been, you would never have had such a lavish celebration and their friends that they invited would not have attended. Put every bit of detail you remember about the conversation at the time. Write it as if you expect them to use it against you in court so that if they do show it to a solicitor, because of the immense detail, they are told to drop it and not to be so stupid.

Throw everything and the kitchen sink at this OP. I loaned my stepson 10k to start his own business but we had it in writing that it was a loan and when it was to be paid back by.

They have had second thoughts. Too bloody bad! I would be so upset about this. It's appalling!

They sound horrible, tell them it wasn’t a loan and absolutely you will not be giving them cruise money.

Im honestly shocked that anyone would do this to their child.