Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

This is obviously going to cause a huge rift @Alice19876 but no WAY should you be paying this back. If there was no paperwork where you agreed to pay it back, they can't have it back. I'm sure any solicitor will tell you this too. Your parents are being HUGELY unreasonable! And asking for it after 3 years?! WTF?!

Good luck. This isn't going to be an easy ride...

@TomatoSandwiches · Today 13:43

I would ask them why they're lying to my face about it being a loan, and why they've decided to make this up and try to claw back money after 3yrs, when you're a SAHM with nearly 3 children.

I wouldn't pay a penny op, your parents should be ashamed.

THIS! ^

OP have you ever borrowed money in the past from your parents? I'm just thinking it's been 3 years. If it was a loan why ask for repayment now? If you have borrowed in the past what time scale did you payback over? Does your previous history of loans from your parents suggest this wasn't a loan from your perspective because you would have paid or started to pay them back by now.

No offence @Vickyeadieofthigh but the OP should not be sending a letter to her parents offering to pay back the £10,000 at £10 a month. That would be admitting she owes the money!!!

this must be so upsetting OP

i think regardless of the borrowing money to repay or legal process (which let’s hope it doesn’t get to that) you need to phone parents and say something like ‘me and DH have been really blindsided by this request and we are really upset and panicky. We loved our wedding and we’re grateful for your support in it but we are now really doubting so much because we never knew it was a loan. We want to understand where your requirement for the money is coming from, and want to understand the urgency as this has not been on our radar for the past 3 years’

depending on the result you might then clarify your challenging financial situation or get tk the bottom of why they’re behaving this way. It might be you need the legal route - but honestly that seems a bit OTT as a first step.

additionally if my parents started behaving a bit odd like this I’d ring my cousin or aunt to see if there is additional context I don’t know..

What a nightmare for you. It was not a loan. People who lend money are very explicit about the terms of the loan - it’s for 2 years then we need you to repay £250 pm etc. This was a gift but your parents have changed their mind. Elements of the wedding were changed at your father’s request, which increased the spend. I would refuse to pay back ANY of the money. If they choose to take umbrage so be it. You have no contract with them, verbal or otherwise. This will affect your relationship with them because of their ludicrous demand. Even if you were able to repay them it will leave a very nasty taste for you. You and your husband need to explain to them that it was a gift, that certain things were changed at their request, to jog their memories. Don’t think about trying to repay the money, you are in the right.

Were they always planning to retire at this age or is this a recent thing

They thought £100 gift card was enough for a wedding present to their only child? The 10k wasn't a loan but a gift, since they insisted on paying for things you would not have had e.g. a hog roast and a 2k wedding dress - they just want to go on a cruise and are trying to gaslight you into paying for it. You must say no to this blackmail. They will come round eventually, you are their only child and you have their grandchildren.

Have they always been bit sly or flaky? Clearly it wasn’t a loan, and fancy deciding, when you’re at your must vulnerable you need to pay it back!!
if be telling them if it is a loan then you’d be happy to pay down the wedding you wanted, you’re not paying for all their mate they insisted come, the hog roast, the extra money on the dress etc, all those things that were their choice! I’d also be telling them that it can’t be this year because you’re pregnant, you had no idea it was a loan until just now, so you’ll need time to get a job or sell the baby (yep I’d joke about that because I’m mean lol!)
I think they’ve decided they want a jaunt because of the retirement and decided you’ll foot the bill off the back of their spends on your wedding - not cool! And as PP have said, just cool it with them, tell
them it’s marred your relationship and you’re extremely upset

None taken! I take your (and other similar) point. I thought what I suggested in my point 1. made clear the |OP and DH didn't see it as a loan. I perhaps should have added that I'd do the £10 per month thing to get them off my back but I'd also go non-contact if this is the way they're going to behave.

Telling them it wasn't a loan and they can GTF is very probably the right answer!

Actually its just occured to me. They want you to pay back the entire amount to them quite soon...
If you did accept that (which you definitely shouldn't)

1. why have they waited 3 years to ask for the money back? If you'd known, you could have been paying it back over the last three years and made a big dent in the capital sum.
2. why does such a large sum have to be paid back so quickly - which would cause you real hardship - for the sake of a lavish holiday ( they wanted a lavish wedding. Now they want a lavish holiday.. who are they trying to impress and why are they living beyond their means?) Its really selfish.

Are they expecting you to take out a loan for the £10k so they can have the money in time for Carry on Cruising?

If you'd been told that in the first place you could have organised your own fixed loan over 5 years or more and whilst we still had extremely low interest rates. So if you have to take out a loan now at high interest rates... they are actually costing you far more than £10k.

So no only did they bump up the money spent - they took the opportunity of you finding other financing at a reasonable cost away from you... they've also waiting until you had two infant twins and would have to pay double child care if you needed a job to repay them.

By not disclosing or agreeing when and how they wanted it repaid - they're actually going to cost you a lot more and have denied you the opportunity to sort cheaper finances at the time and completely wrecked your trust in them into the bargain.

Actually OP.. I think for £10k it is worth getting a quick bit of legal advice.. so you can confidently quote what your legal rights are in this circumstance.. After all its them that are turning this into a quick repay business arrangement and it would be interesting to see how a lawyer regards their actions.

I would look at all wedding receipts and note the difference, ie £800 v £3500, hog roast, harpist, extra guests etc etc and work out how much extra your parents cost you, take that figure off of the 10K and offer to pay back £100 per month; if for no other reason than to walk away head held high. I would also return every gift for dgc going forward with the reasoning that you don't want to be billed in three years time.
I'm am so sorry you're going through this op, and wish I could gi e you a big hug 💐

@Alice19876 wow I can’t believe they’ve done this and have told you your gift was £100 in a card!

My parents paid for my wedding and there’s 4 of us, you are their only child.

£100 is a token gift you’d give a cousin etc not your child for their wedding day.

I would tell them you don’t have that kind of money and they told you to add on all the extras because they were paying and you can do without this kind of stress during your pregnancy xx

Do not say you will pay them back. If you start making repayments it’s accepting it was a loan. This is important.

If there is nothing in any communication that it was a loan they have no leg to stand on.

I don’t see a way of repairing this relationship. If what you say is a true representation then they are fucking awful people who you don’t need in your life.

You don't have the money. So that is the first they need to understand that by Jo chance they are going to finance their cruise with it.
After that, I would no nothing.

The more you look at their actions the more reprehensible they appear. If they consciously wanted OH and her DH up to their necks in debt, this is pretty much how they'd behave.

There’s something else going on here OP. Are your parents suddenly shorter of money than they thought? Have you somehow upset them by visiting much less? Are you seeing more of DH’s family than them now?

This is clearly a batshit request with no foundation in reality. I wouldn’t get into the hog roast/harpist debate because it suggests you’re considering it. Just a text saying ‘Mum/Dad, I was really shocked you are now saying this was a loan. This was not mentioned at the time or in the last three years. As far as I am concerned this was a generous gift for which we are both very grateful.’

And then grey rock. Ignore if they mention it again. If they bring it up in person, just say they never said it was a loan.

And if you can, I’d try to get to the bottom of the real reason that this has come up now.

As PPs have said, don’t pay back a penny- keep reinforcing that a loan was never mentioned, and you understood that they were paying directly for wedding extras that they wanted to add for themselves and their friends.

The fact that they never actually transferred money to you, instead paying suppliers themselves, makes it clear you didn’t receive a loan.

I’d keep telling them how baffled you are, as they didn’t ever transfer you any money.

It wasn’t a loan was it. You know that, they know that. A loan is where you make it clear you are lending money and you give a timeframe for it to be returned. They didn’t give you money- they spent it themselves on stuff you didn’t want or need, and couldn’t afford. And now they want a cruise. And for you to pay for it!!
Don't give any money at all- because if you do you are agreeing with them that it is a loan!
Thank them for their kind gift. Say you can’t give them the money back because it is spent- and they spent it not you! Keep repeating- it was a lovely gift, a kind gift, a thoughtful gift, we are so grateful etc etc.
You can avoid an argument if you want- there are lots of strategies for this. Personally I would hold the phone away from my ear while they rant and keep saying “hmm”or “really”. Then say “sorry got to go.” Another great strategy I heard recently is kind of word association. For example if they keep saying loan you fixate on the word and just repeat anything that comes into your head. Loan, interest rate, Bank of England, repayment schedules, contracts, lawyers, suits, Meghan Markle….just kind of mumble this almost to yourself!
I tried this with an entitled relative who was complaining to me and said “The honeymoon is over!”. He was then treated to a long list of honeymoon related words and he gave up in the end, saying “…whatever!” It was very satisfying. The other great strategy is to be very neutral- “understood” “noted” “ I hear you” “Let’s see how that goes”
Just repeat but don’t actually agree.

Keep being polite but don’t actually do a thing. It’s possible….and just a little bit fun too!

Sorry OP that’s really cruel of them to do that! Surely most parents expect to pay at least some of the budget for a child’s wedding? Especially when they bumped the prices up for everything. And then to put you through stress now when you are pregnant and caring for twins seems very unfair indeed. I think if you explain to them it wasn’t agreed as a loan, and that you have no way of paying them back hopefully they can come to their senses. Please don’t take out a loan to pay them as it’ll cost you so much more in the long run. They need to take a reality check!!

Honestly, it would be a firm no and I would expect the relationship to become properly damaged.

I am also completely baffled that your parents’ actual wedding gift to you (since this clearly wasn’t it!) was a restaurant gift voucher. Like not even a piece of artwork that has sentimental value or a piece of family jewellery or a casserole dish that you’ll use for decades, but like a voucher to Pizza Express or whatever. That’s the sort of half thought out gift you’d expect to receive from work colleagues. Perfectly appreciated, but no sentiment put into it, by people who don’t know you well.

My suspicion here is that their overspending has caught up with them. They may want to book another cruise, but the urgency of the multiple calls says that debtors are chasing down their money and they see you as an easy source from which to claw some funds to keep the illusion going. I’d be having no part in funding that and I’d be telling them so.

"The money was a gift - like many parents, you said I was your little girl and you only get married once. You wanted upgrades because your friends were coming. We knew our budget and would not have considered them without the cash you offered.

I would never have accepted this money if I'd thought it was a loan.

Which it wasn't - because of course a repayment plan would have been discussed before now if that's what you had intended it to be.

I don't know how you have convinced yourself that this is okay, but it's not. You know full well how much anxiety this will be causing. You've shown a side of yourselves that I didn't want to believe existed before now and I'm so disappointed. Enjoy the cruise."

I hate to say it, but there are certain types of people who weaponise money for their own gains. My mum (and stepdad) are like this. They insist upon paying for things for people (friends, distant family) and then use it against them if ever someone displeases them. Barbara (mum’s best friend of 30 years) didn’t take their side in a silly argument with another friend about when they all needed to pack up to check out of a holiday let, so the fact that they paid for Barbara to book a flight to see an ailing parent 5 years ago is brought out as proof of her disloyalty. 🙄

My mum gave me a gift of money that we added to our house deposit years ago (basically my inheritance, but early, I’m also an only child). When years later, we went NC for totally unrelated reasons, absolutely everyone heard about this money they gave us so long ago and how terrible we were for taking this money from them and then cutting them off from their grandchildren. I think it’s because talking about what’s really going on (in our case, stepdad was convicted of child sex offences, in your case, it may be poor financial management or a gambling issue or having been scammed or whatever) was too hard, but making it about money is easier because it deflects the real problem.

Do you have anything in writing confirming it was a gift. Email, text or WhatsApp?

I'd like to think your mum's been calling you repeatedly this morning because she's realised overnight that they've made a terrible error of judgement and she wants to apologise @Alice19876, but I won't hold my breath.

This. Perfect response. If they don't back down and apologise, best to disengage for the foreseeable.

I'm so sorry OP. This must be incredibly stressful for you. Reprehensible behaviour by your parents who should be ashamed of putting their pregnant daughter through this.