Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

Never, ever refer to this as a loan, or suggest that there could have been any doubt about it being a gift. It's clear that it was a gift, so you need to stop wobbling about that and be firm. Anything you have that indicates it's a gift - keep it - texts, emails etc. Get legal advice and I'm pretty sure you'll be told that as there is no evidence of a loan agreement you don't have to pay them anything. Meanwhile, if you speak to them repeat that they are trying to take back a gift they gave and insist that there was never any mention of a loan and you are going to proceed accordingly. If you need to, tell them that they must leave you alone until you have legal advice.

They paid for various goods and services direct - that's not what happens when someone gives a loan.

Tell your mum, it was not clear that money was given as a loan and £100 was given for you both to have a nice meal.

It’s been 3 years with no mention of loan, you don’t work and have no savings so they will have wait till you start earning again for you to pay them this money back.

I think if you have a good relationship with them you need to say to them that you changed your wedding at their request because they offered £10k toward it. That meant you felt they were entitled to make the suggestions and you accepted them, becuase their gift bought an opinion. Point out the hog roast and dress up grade point out while you enjoyed them, and appreciate them they would be out of budget without their contribution. And you absolutely wouldnt have taken a loan for the dress and food.

Say quite honestly you arent understanding why 3 years on they're saying it is a loan?

I wouldn't be repaying it. This isnt you impacting the relationship.

Id be honest you cant afford to repay it

They gifted you that money, much of which was spent on their demands of an upgrade and friends.

How absolutely toxic for them to turn around and do this to their only child whose pregnant.

Do not entertain them in any way, 3 years later.

What on earth are they thinking.
I have never heard the like of it.

Have you any relatives?
If you do, ask their advice.
See how your parents like that.

I don't know how this isn't going to ruin your relationship with them, but it will be on them.

Id advise dont pay anything until youve had advice because paying any amount is recognition its a loan

Yes it sounds like they tricked OP inti having a wedding they could show off to their friends and now want the money.

Phone the Citizens Advice Bureau or the legal helpline number if you have Legal Expenses insurance as an add on to your home insurance.

I didn't even get a wedding gift from my parents - not even a card😅 and no they didn't contribute to the costs of the wedding - yes they did insist certain wider family members had to be invited at our cost 😩 such parents do exist...

It sounds like they are quite narcissistic. They liked the idea of having a lovely wedding for their child, choosing what to get and all the guests being impressed by their generosity.
The norm used to be parents paying for the wedding. Did their parents pay for theirs.

Now have somehow reframed it in their heads that was a loan, maybe they have talked to some friends or someone on a cruise who said they’d loaned money for wedding.

I would keep saying that they paid towards the wedding and it wasn’t a loan. Like others have said unless it was written anywhere that it was a loan, it wasn’t a loan it was a gift. Did they pay the suppliers directly or did you buy and they send money to you?

Yes, I bet they told their friends they paid for the wedding. Which would be fine if they actually did.

DH and I funded our wedding ourselves and didn’t get wedding gifts from parents, but OP’s parents are giving with hand and taking with the other.

I'm in the 'there's something else going on' camp.

Is there one of them that seems to be driving this? If so would it be worth trying to speak to the other one?

Either you have upset them in some way or something is going on with their health, mental or otherwise. Has one of them had a scare? Or do either of them suffer from depression? A fixation with certain things like money can be part of declining mental health.

Or, and it feels very Mumsnet to say it, an early sign of dementia.

The fact this has never been mentioned in three years is very odd and must be triggered by something either in your behaviour or theirs.

Just another thought as you mentioned your husband being in the trades. Has he done work for them and charged them by any chance?

I wondered (given the insane cost of materials) if there's a possibility they think he's taken them for a ride and this is pay back?

Please ignore if not relevant.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I'd hedge my bets that it WAS a loan, and they've only changed their minds because they can't afford your dad to take early retirement AND go on another expensive cruise.

I would seek legal advice. In the meantime if they contact you and mention the money, make sure you ALWAYS tell them you will only discuss the gifted £10k via text or email. Never refer to it as a loan and never seem like you're unsure it was a gift. If they push back in messages about you referring to it as a gift, ask them to provide the evidence from 3 years ago stating it was a loan. You don't want to give them any wiggle room to argue it was a loan.

This will change your relationship forever, but that's probably a good thing

I have adult DC and I would much rather spend my money on giving them a lovely wedding than on a cruise for myself. I certainly wouldn’t be asking for it back! Sounds like they took over quite a bit and you didn’t necessarily get the wedding you wanted anyway. All this splashing out on the most expensive option for everything sounds like it was for getting them bragging rights. Then to expect you to give it all back with no warning is outrageous! I don’t think I could forgive that.

So THEY changed your wedding to have things THEY wanted. They agreed to pay for all that and now say it a loan? That's pretty crappy to be honest. It sounds like they were playing at keeping up appearances/trying to be seen as the big I am and are now back tracking.

If it was a loan they should have mentioned that in text/email etc at the time. They want to go on a cruise? They can release some of the equity from their house or what ever! In the end, not to sound morbid, if your the only child your the beneficiary and it will all balance out.

I agree with the above poster, is it more than just the money? Are they trying to make a point? Force a bit of control? Is it the new baby?

I know a couple - both only children, had an only child and when that child and his wife went on to have a second, they were most put out.

They didn't understand why? They Questioned finances, how they would cope? Refused the childcare second despite providing it for the first. They were openly hostile to thought of a second child. Of course, the little one came along and is very much loved and adored by the grandparents and it all worked out but they definitely had a wobble.

You mentioned up thread you'd had three missed calls from your Mother. Have you spoken to her yet?

YANBU.

That's awful.

Well yeah, many parents will pay something towards their DC's wedding. We paid a third towards our DD's wedding, her DH's parents paid a third, and DD and her DH paid a third. Around £4K each. If I was to message DD back and ask for the £4K back, she'd laugh. She'd laugh at the ridiculousness of it ... Who DOES that?

As @mindutopia said, it's sometimes best to not take money off ANYone, as they can - and will - use it against you if things go a bit 'wrong.' (And you have a falling out.) They will hold it against you.

One of my friends was in a tiny 2 bed terraced house, and she and her DH had twins, and the house just became too small. They couldn't afford to upsize. So in 2023, her dad said he would give her £85K towards a 4 bed house - literally two - to two and a half times bigger.

He and her mum lived in Spain and had lived there since 2017. He said 'at least we'll have somewhere to stay when we come to visit instead of getting a Travelodge.' Only stipulation was that he goes on the deeds too. She and her DH weren't keen, but needed to upsize, so agreed. (This was early summer 2023.)

BIG mistake.

Earlier this year, less than 2 years after they bought the house, her mum and dad announced that they're coming back to the UK, and are moving in! 😱The dad's name is on the deeds, so he is a co-owner. Now, 5-6 months later he is still there. And her mum too. My friend HATES it, and says they are so intrusive and judgy and nosey, and it's putting a huge strain on her marriage.

Why the hell she let her dad onto the deeds just baffles me! I'd have stayed in the tiny house and just made do!

Agree with a PP who said you should return gifts they send for the GCs as you don't want to get invoiced for them at a later stage.

If nothing else, it could potentially let them see how hurtful they're being.

I suspect one of them has routinely been overspending (is there one of them that's more spendy/has more access to the bank accounts than the other?). The other one has found out that they don't have as much in savings, or more in debt, than they thought, and they have shat it and are scrambling around trying to work out how to sort things.

But that isn't your fault!

So they dictated what you had at your wedding, revelled in the glory of looking like the big “I am” who paid for the wedding, gave you a shitty gift card as a present and are now claiming they told you it was a loan and demanding it back? Wow! Their behaviour is classless and awful op. Tell them you’re heartbroken that they’ve treated you this was and that you can’t afford it.

YANBU this is outrageous behaviour and cheeky fecker territory. They wanted the upgrades to show off to their friends and now you are paying for it.

I would struggle to maintain any relationship with them after this. You don't sound particularly close to them and they never visit you.

Even if you could afford it, there is no way you should be paying them a penny. If you loan money, you make that clear when you loan the money and the other party gets to decide whether they agree to the loan conditions or not. They can not change the "terms" 3 years later.
I would not pay just to keep the peace either. They may have financial issues but, if that is the case, the way they are going about this is not ok. The problem is that no matter how this ends your relationship may be irrevocably damaged. You pay and you will resent it forever or you don't pay and they will resent it forever. I know which scenario I would choose though. One thing I would do, though, is to put it in writing (by email or text) that this was never a loan.

Objectively what they have done is quite nasty. They have suddenly decided that they want money they clearly gave you back for a holiday. They’ve not cared about the impact on you as a single parent, on their grandkids, and are causing you this upset, which of course it would cause to anyone this happened to.

This!! 💯