Can anyone help me understand this social situation not sure what to do!

[Alysskea]

Honestly I feel like I’m in high school all over again trying to navigate the world of other toddler mums. Just wondering if anyone can help me work out what the heck is going on and if I’m the problem.

I take my 2yo to a sports session every week on my day off. She absolutely loves it. Afterwards the mums all go to a cafe and we’ve been tagging along because a) they invited us the first week and then said oh we come here every week b) she really enjoys going with the other kids and c) saves me having to try and feed her when we get home.

My issue is, these mums seem to go out of their way to exclude not only me but my child as well. Of course they all know each other better than they know me and I’m not asking for them to go out of their way to be overly friendly or anything, but we usually sit there for an hour and a half and they’ll talk to each other and ignore me completely. Don’t think they’ve ever asked me a question about my life. Fine, whatever. They also exclude my child! Last week one of them took out colouring pages and pens and handed them to each child except mine, and that’s just one example!

I am not sure what to make of it tbh. I have a few working theories

• they never actually wanted me there and asked me along to be polite. But this seems weird as I don’t know why they’d do this or how our presence takes away from their enjoyment of the experience
• they look down on me as I’m slightly less middle class than them. Honestly I’m highly educated and have the same job as one of them but I’m not quite on their level finance wise. You can tell that by looking at me. This makes me sound class obsessed but honestly I’m grasping at straws here.
• they for some reason don’t like me or my child’s personality. But again, I don’t understand why especially as they’ve never spoken to us!
• they’re just really cliquey and treat everyone this way. But I can’t understand how a grown ass woman would do that. It’s just nice to include people who YOU have invited out with you.

Honestly I find it quite upsetting taking my child along and seeing her excluded. She’s so good natured and describes them all as her ‘friends’ when they basically don’t interact with her because their parents have given them all toys and activities to do and not her. But she’d also be really sad if I said we couldn’t go eat with her friends anymore. It would make her even sadder if we didn’t go to her class anymore.

i am sure I’ll get crap for this post and get called paranoid and entitled, but I honestly just feel kind of puzzled and saddened by the whole thing. I am neurodivergent (I have ‘severe’ ADHD that is not medicated currently). But I generally get on well with people and have a broad group of friends including neurotypical middle class mums who seem to think we’re not beneath them lol. This just comes across to me as plain rudeness and seems kind of deranged 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Don't tag along with them after the session. They were trying to be polite the first week, but don't want you following them every week.

The answer is very obvious: stop going! They obviously don’t want you there any more than you want to be there.

They sound rude. Especially if it's all or most of the mums going. Do they chat to you at the sports class when you are waiting?
I know people from all different backgrounds and none of them would exclude other people. But it doesn't sound like a very nice atmosphere for you or your child, so I would stop going to the cafe. She will forget about it very quickly.

Yeah I don’t really enjoy it, just feel bad saying no to my daughter when I know she likes it! Will have to take a look for some other kid friendly places nearby but it’s slim pickings.

I still don’t understand why they can’t be civil though. Especially to a bloody 2 year old. If they’re so well brought up you think they could at least manage that 🙄

I've been in similar situations when my (now adult) children were little. My post-natal group comprised of a number of new mums who were already very bonded through NCT ante-natal get togethers. They didn't accept me, made no effort to make conversation and a couple of them were really rude. I found it so strange back then and I still do now!

Hard to fathom how grown adults could exclude a child.

I wouldn't bother with them anymore, OP. You will make other (better) friends through your dc's activities and school.

I would plan something really fun with your child for after the class next time.

Stick to the activity but drop the cafe.

It's rude, weird and downright mean of them to treat you and your DD like this but you can only control your own behaviour here. Don't put yourself through it.

This is a bit mad, OP. They invited you one week. You saw that as a general invitation when it wasn't. They're being perfectly clear that they'd rather you didn't come, and you don't seem to have read the room on that one. Just stop going, as you clearly don't like these people either.

Are they friends solely from the group or outside of it as well?

I’d stop tagging along to be honest. Agree they were just being initially polite (and lack basic manners). Keep going to the group but peel off afterwards.

I wouldn't keep going along if I felt like this and your 2 year old will follow your lead. Maybe there is another parent outside the group or on the edge you can get to know. After one session of feeling awkward I would've backed off from the group .

I'm sorry this has happened to you, how awful. I don't understand why people would treat others this way, and you don't deserve it.

You can still go to the sporting activity each week, just don't go for the coffee afterwards.

Stop going. Your DD is too young at 2 for it to matter that much whether you go or not. She will be easily distracted and forget about it quickly and be no more upset than she would be if she was told no to an ice cream or had to leave soft play before she was ready.

You don’t need to stop going activity but just stop going to cafe. Make an excuse if they ask you and then just drive to another cafe with DD and have your own stress free bite to eat. Don’t let them stop you doing an activity DD enjoys but just take the power back and turn it into a nice day out for you and DD.

I mean they did literally say we come every week feel free to join us 😂 but yes otherwise you are correct.

perhaps I shouldn’t have taken it literally but I shouldn’t have to be Sherlock Holmesing my way through a basic interaction

Stop going they aren’t your friends, it’s your daughter’s sport. Are you asking them questions? Interested in their lives?

That's not what you said in your OP, though. You said they said 'We come here every week.' Nothing about inviting you to join them in general.

Did they say, 'we come here every week you are welcome to join us' or 'we come here every week'?!

I would just go to the activity and not the cafe.

You underestimate how little I want to cook lunch for DD 😂 but there’s always Greggs

Sounds like you got an invite the first week so they could assess if you would fit in their group but they’ve obviously decided not hence no further invitations.

Stop going, why subject yourself and your daughter to going to a cafe where you’re not wanted?

Sometimes people will invite us to join them after an activity because it feels awkward not to, not because they actually want us to come.

They're relying on us to make the judgement call that they have a pre-established intimacy, and despite what they may explicitly say, they are not giving friendly 'join-us' signals that show they're up for small talk with a new person.

I think if they've made no effort to include you or your child after several weeks, it's shitty, but unlikely to change, and you'll have a better time doing something else with your child.

It's likely not anything to do with who you are as a person, or their judgement of you, or whatever - but simply that they're already friends, and may have things they want to talk about that you aren't part of, and they can't talk about those things candidly when you're there.

You need to bond with just one

Is there even one mum who seems slightly more friendly? I would try to talk to them during the activity. Stop tagging along with the unfriendly crew afterwards, find somewhere else for lunch with your DD and then you have an alternative to suggest if you make friends. I'm sorry these women are being so nasty. I might also look for another class or activity to try out.

Was it a number of the mums who asked you along the first week or just one of them? I ask because when I was in the thick of toddler groups/pre-school/reception years I found that there would be one or two really sociable mums who would invite me (and I suppose others) to join them at cafes, park dates, farm trips etc. But then there would be the other mums who were also part of that group who were almost possessive over the sociable mums and the original group and didn’t like outsiders coming in. It was all very immature and odd, and was exactly like being at school again. One mum refused to even look at me every time I turned up at various events because she didn’t like me chatting to her closest mum friend, and she kept trying to call this mum away from me or interrupting our conversations. She also had the habit of bringing up events that the two of them were going to “just them” or “just the original mum group” to purposefully make me feel left out. This went on for two years. Then one day I randomly bumped into this woman at a different group (that ds and I had been attending for a while) and because she didn’t know anyone other than me she came waltzing over to me, greeting me like an old friend and set up camp right next to me.

Honestly, some new mums (in my experience it’s mums of first borns) are nuts and they treat baby/toddler groups/pre-school/reception like an extension of themselves and see it as a second chance at being “popular”. It’s weird. Learn the hard lessons now, OP, because it carries on well into your dc’s primary school life.

I'm really intrigued @Alysskea how many weeks you have gone to the cafe and they have excluded you / your child?

Really rude and mean of them to exclude a child from a colouring activity.
But least they have shown their true colours and you can try to find some nicer friends at the group activity. Honestly life is too short to hang around with the wrong people.

its been 2/3 months now. I think on reflection @beautyqueeen has probably worked it out the best. We were on probation and we did not pass!

You're not alone OP. I've been through this with my child's club and had no idea why the other mums didn't take to me. I'm friendly, generous, interested in people and open minded but I my face (and ND brain) didn't fit. In the end, I was happier just to cut my losses, waited in the car or went for a walk and reminded myself that I have some really good, deep friendships with far more interesting people! Would you gravitate to these mums outside of the club? They probably aren't your tribe. Or they may be cow bags?!

It's hard thinking it through, trying to make sense of people and feeling all those painful RSD feelings and gaslighting yourself when you have ADHD! X x