Can anyone help me understand this social situation not sure what to do!

[Alysskea]

Honestly I feel like I’m in high school all over again trying to navigate the world of other toddler mums. Just wondering if anyone can help me work out what the heck is going on and if I’m the problem.

I take my 2yo to a sports session every week on my day off. She absolutely loves it. Afterwards the mums all go to a cafe and we’ve been tagging along because a) they invited us the first week and then said oh we come here every week b) she really enjoys going with the other kids and c) saves me having to try and feed her when we get home.

My issue is, these mums seem to go out of their way to exclude not only me but my child as well. Of course they all know each other better than they know me and I’m not asking for them to go out of their way to be overly friendly or anything, but we usually sit there for an hour and a half and they’ll talk to each other and ignore me completely. Don’t think they’ve ever asked me a question about my life. Fine, whatever. They also exclude my child! Last week one of them took out colouring pages and pens and handed them to each child except mine, and that’s just one example!

I am not sure what to make of it tbh. I have a few working theories

• they never actually wanted me there and asked me along to be polite. But this seems weird as I don’t know why they’d do this or how our presence takes away from their enjoyment of the experience
• they look down on me as I’m slightly less middle class than them. Honestly I’m highly educated and have the same job as one of them but I’m not quite on their level finance wise. You can tell that by looking at me. This makes me sound class obsessed but honestly I’m grasping at straws here.
• they for some reason don’t like me or my child’s personality. But again, I don’t understand why especially as they’ve never spoken to us!
• they’re just really cliquey and treat everyone this way. But I can’t understand how a grown ass woman would do that. It’s just nice to include people who YOU have invited out with you.

Honestly I find it quite upsetting taking my child along and seeing her excluded. She’s so good natured and describes them all as her ‘friends’ when they basically don’t interact with her because their parents have given them all toys and activities to do and not her. But she’d also be really sad if I said we couldn’t go eat with her friends anymore. It would make her even sadder if we didn’t go to her class anymore.

i am sure I’ll get crap for this post and get called paranoid and entitled, but I honestly just feel kind of puzzled and saddened by the whole thing. I am neurodivergent (I have ‘severe’ ADHD that is not medicated currently). But I generally get on well with people and have a broad group of friends including neurotypical middle class mums who seem to think we’re not beneath them lol. This just comes across to me as plain rudeness and seems kind of deranged 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Ignoring you is rude. Ignoring your 2 year old is not only rude but really fucking weird behaviour, actually. What the fuck is wrong with them. Ditch-this is their problem OP and you’re too good for them.

Mum Land is a nest of vipers don’t waste your time op. Find one other nice mum, if you can. The cliques are worse than high school!!

Wow! What a vile bunch of women.

I would find another class and definitely not tag along to the cafe afterwards.

I reckon that they’ve known each other a longish time and it’s easier for them to talk to people they already know, than to make the effort to get to know you. They don’t dislike you, they’re just lazy and ill-mannered and take the easy option.

Leaving out your 2 year old is very spiteful and immature of them, so if you want to plough on for your dd’s sake, maybe take a selection of your own activities for her - colouring etc. so that she isn’t left out. Could it be that the person handing out the colouring sheets only had enough for the original number of children in the group? I might suggest doing your own handing out of activity sheets for everyone, but I know for a fact that it’s not something I’d be brave enough to do if I felt unwelcome! Is there anyone who does the sport, but not the cafe, who you could invite along as well? It puts me in mind of the cafe in Motherland, where there was a table for the queen bee’s chosen ones, and another for the (far more interesting) parents who, in her opinion, didn’t make the cut!

You just as awful as those mums.

OP I mean this kindly but sometimes its hard to know on these sorts of threads whether this is real or paranoia. There are an awful lot of threads where people have convinced themselves that all the other school mums on the school run hate them etc. Nine times out of ten they don't, they just naturally gravitate to the people who they know best, but it becomes a "thing" for the OP.

First off ask yourself (honestly) if that's what's actually happening here? Are you expecting a bit too much? They may not be actively excluding you, they may just want the comfort of hanging with their friends and not having to do the social labour of getting someone new. If this is the case you need to decide whether you can be arsed to try a bit harder to get to know them or to let it go.

If you honestly think they are excluding you then stop going to the cafe with them. It's not mandatory and it won't help you or your DC if you continue to force yourself on these people. They may have just been being polite, they may feel you've inserted yourself into the group uninvited.

In both cases I think you're probably best giving them a bit of space and stopping going to the cafe afterwards. If it turns out it's paranoia then someone will probably ask why you're not coming. If they actually are excluding you, you've figured this out before the point where its embarrassing.

I remember someone once saying to me: never chase love or friendship, and its served me really well. If it's not there, don't try to push it.

Jesus Christ mums needs to be assessed whether they are worthy of speaking to now?

There’s some stuck up cunts about.

What, by pointing out that the OP has failed to include information in her first post which has influenced how people are seeing the situation? 😀

She says in a subsequent post that they specifically said 'We come here every week -- feel free to join us', but in her OP she only says they said 'We come here every week'. It's still not clear whether they were inviting her as a one-off or issuing a general invitation. Their behaviour suggests they saw the invitation as a one-off and are thoroughly tired of the OP pursuing them to a cafe for two or three months.

Some people are just rude, arrogant twats and unfortunately you appear to have found a group of them.
You'd think if they are so middle class they might have acquired some fucking manners along the way, who actually excludes a child in such a cruel way?
Just ignore them at the activity and find something else fun to do with your child after it.

Well, surely you have to talk to someone to figure out whether you like them or not? That's not 'snobbery', it's just acknowledging that not everyone is going to like everyone they are thrown into company with. So yes, absolutely, I'm 'assessing' new people I meet. As they are assessing me.

Do you talk to them or take along activities for all the children to do. I know some people are a bit shy in those situations and you don't want to be too pushy, but you can ask them things, talk about the class, etc. If you have tried all of those things then give up or take a book to read while the kids play.

I went along with some mums for coffee etc after toddler gym classes, it was a very odd group of women really with nothing in common apart from toddlers about the same age.

Are these the only mum's at the activity? Is there any others you could talk to instead and form your own group that go for lunch after?

@MamaElephantMama

Jesus Christ mums needs to be assessed whether they are worthy of speaking to now?
There’s some stuck up cunts about.

In all fairness we don't really know what's gone on here and we only have the OP's side. I can't tell whether she's overthinking it or if they really are being nasty. It may be in her imagination.

But no one is automatically entitled to friendship. If the OP tips up every week and they don't want her there I can understand they might feel she's foisting herself on them. If its a tight friendship group they're not obliged to admit anyone if they don't want to. It may sound harsh but it's the same in any social environment.

Can you sit at a different table? That way perhaps dd can still interact with the other children but you don't have to sit with the mums? You can take a book to read?

Do not do this. It looks both odd and passive aggressive and probably rude!

If the OPs daughter is having a fun time at the activity that’s enough. Find is a different cafe, invite a mum not in the group to come too if you want.

I admire your tenacity @Alysskea though doing this for a few months!!

Some good advice here. I would make an excuse next time and then let it fizzle out. Find some new friends who are more inclusive. You and your little one do not need the hassle of all this.

It’s really shitty behaviour on their part. It might be worth forgetting them, for your own self respect, and try to chat with any newcomers, as and when they join.

They're basic bitches. Give it a swerve in future. You'll find you bond with other mums in future activities your DD attends, not everyone is like that!

Oh OP that is really painful. It would cost them nothing to give you a smile and how are you and pass your little one some drawing paper. It's hardly as if you are going to follow them home demanding to be best friends!

I had a similar experience when my eldest started school. There was a group of mums who seemed super nice and friendly, inviting me along etc. Then the niceness switched off really suddenly and they'd pretend not to see me in the playground or the park. I was so shocked and agonised about what I could have done or said but when I saw the same thing play out with another mum whose child had newly joined the school I realised they were "auditioning" people to see if they were worthy of joining their special group (or not, evidently!) A few years later one of them fell out with the others and she tried being all super friendly with me again after years of sticking her nose in the air. I was polite and pleasant but kept her at arms length!

This is weird. It sounds like they are cliquey though.. some groups are just painfully oblivious to how rude their behaviour to newbies can be. I can pretty much guarantee that if you stop going, and then run into them elsewhere, they'll be all friendly and say things like "oh we missed you at blah blah last week!"

What I dislike most about these groups is how their rude and self-absorbdd behaviour brings out our own insecurities. It isnt that you dont fit in, its not about your education or how middle class you are. You just haven't "shown your face" for long enough in order for them to acknowledge you.

Take a step back and find a new group who actually know how to make new people feel welcome, OP.

I also found some mums made groups and were really cliquey - bordering on mean! I'd just keep your polite distance and not worry about it. You'll find your group at some point :) (and will have the opportunity to welcome others and make up for their behaviour!).

I don’t think it’s about being ‘well brought up’ OP! Stop with the internalised classism.

You sound like a nice person, and they sound completely uninterested in being friends but being very passive aggressive about trying to let you know. Not including your child should have been the last straw.

I would still go to the activity, but definitely not go to the cafe afterwards. And not give it a second thought. At 2, children thinks every other kid is a friend.

Seems to me they invited you the first time and then you’ve kept coming without them wanting you to… you’ve kind of pushed your way into it being a regular thing rather than a one off.

I’d stop going.

Honestly it never ceases to surprise me, despite my advanced years, how few manners some people have these days. It takes minimal effort to be warm and inclusive to others. You see it on here all the time, people sneering about other people because x,y,z, mostly totally shallow things. It's not you. Just go to activity and go to find somewhere else to have a snack after.

Stop going. See if anyone asks you again to join them