Can anyone help me understand this social situation not sure what to do!

[Alysskea]

Honestly I feel like I’m in high school all over again trying to navigate the world of other toddler mums. Just wondering if anyone can help me work out what the heck is going on and if I’m the problem.

I take my 2yo to a sports session every week on my day off. She absolutely loves it. Afterwards the mums all go to a cafe and we’ve been tagging along because a) they invited us the first week and then said oh we come here every week b) she really enjoys going with the other kids and c) saves me having to try and feed her when we get home.

My issue is, these mums seem to go out of their way to exclude not only me but my child as well. Of course they all know each other better than they know me and I’m not asking for them to go out of their way to be overly friendly or anything, but we usually sit there for an hour and a half and they’ll talk to each other and ignore me completely. Don’t think they’ve ever asked me a question about my life. Fine, whatever. They also exclude my child! Last week one of them took out colouring pages and pens and handed them to each child except mine, and that’s just one example!

I am not sure what to make of it tbh. I have a few working theories

• they never actually wanted me there and asked me along to be polite. But this seems weird as I don’t know why they’d do this or how our presence takes away from their enjoyment of the experience
• they look down on me as I’m slightly less middle class than them. Honestly I’m highly educated and have the same job as one of them but I’m not quite on their level finance wise. You can tell that by looking at me. This makes me sound class obsessed but honestly I’m grasping at straws here.
• they for some reason don’t like me or my child’s personality. But again, I don’t understand why especially as they’ve never spoken to us!
• they’re just really cliquey and treat everyone this way. But I can’t understand how a grown ass woman would do that. It’s just nice to include people who YOU have invited out with you.

Honestly I find it quite upsetting taking my child along and seeing her excluded. She’s so good natured and describes them all as her ‘friends’ when they basically don’t interact with her because their parents have given them all toys and activities to do and not her. But she’d also be really sad if I said we couldn’t go eat with her friends anymore. It would make her even sadder if we didn’t go to her class anymore.

i am sure I’ll get crap for this post and get called paranoid and entitled, but I honestly just feel kind of puzzled and saddened by the whole thing. I am neurodivergent (I have ‘severe’ ADHD that is not medicated currently). But I generally get on well with people and have a broad group of friends including neurotypical middle class mums who seem to think we’re not beneath them lol. This just comes across to me as plain rudeness and seems kind of deranged 🤷🏼‍♀️.

They are a group who already know each other well. There's nothing wrong with you or your child, they just aren't desperate to add another member of the social group.

Are they the only other people who go to that activity? Perhaps invite another new person for coffee instead, or join a different activity where everyone is new at once.

@Alysskea

its been 2/3 months now. I think on reflection @beautyqueeen has probably worked it out the best. We were on probation and we did not pass!

I agree this is what happened & I imagine one person invited you along & the others are trying to let you know they don’t want to extend the invite every week. I do think British people & how they interact can be very nuanced & it’s not always easy to understand.

I wouldn’t go again & possibly I would find a new activity to try out.

This. It's not personal. It's always easier where there are lots of new people somewhere in the same boat. A new person in an established group can change the dynamic, also you don't have the same level of trust and so can't necessarily talk about the same things in front of them.

I'm another one who thinks it is the "more the merrier" type extroverts who invited you along at first. Whereas the more introverted / socially awkward members of the group are not able to relax and enjoy themselves when someone they don't know well is added to the mix.
I'm an introvert who hates it when my extroverted best friend invites others to join us at a picnic or dinner or some such, so my advice would be to leave them to it.
But other people have suggested it might be rejection sensitivity on your part, with ways for you to gradually become a part of the friendship group. So I'm actually not sure.

Most had been said already (what a bunch of beaches) but do look up RSD in connection to the adhd, it may he a factor also. At two your kiddo will soon make other friends, you are a great mum to keep trying for her!

Also, not sure jumping to "they're cnts and btches" is healthy, either.

I’m picturing motherland vibes with you trying to ingratiate yourself with Amanda’s table in the cafe. I can’t believe you have been going for months when they aren’t talking to you. Don’t go anymore, for whatever reason they have decided that you’re not in their gang so don’t put yourself through sitting there being ignored any more. Go to the class still if you want but I’d suggest joining another class where you might find nicer people.

Mums groups are weird. They’re basically a collection of women who have virtually nothing in common except they all had a kid about the same time. Sometimes friendships blossom but mostly they wane as kids start school and develop new friendship groups, and the mums go back to work. Continue to do the sport if your DD loves it, and be friendly and polite, but stop going for coffee with people who make you feel bad. You don’t need to.

I agree. Don't push in where you aren't wanted. How many people go.

Trying to see it from their view, assuming they have established friendships, it might be that's their only time all week they catch up with each other, and adding in a new person to that dynamic comes with small talk and effort and they can't be arsed. Rather than purposefully leaving you out with spite. It's still not nice, but I wouldn't take it personally.

It took me close to two years to form proper friendships with people I saw every week at a hobby. In the grand scheme of things 2 months isn't much.

I would have spoken up; they didn't give my child a colouring book? I would challenge the person directly - "you've left her out!" People don't speak to me? "Why are you ignoring me?"
However, I understand that's me and not everyone speaks up. Take pps advice - just stop going. Take your daughter somewhere else.

And that’s where the clue lies they said “we come every week” not “you can come every week” and meant just join us this one time. So sorry they have made you feel like this. Just do the sports stuff buy your child an ice cream etc on way home she’ll be fine

I've stopped going out to things if I don't feel completely comfortable. The upshot is I go out less but all the negative thoughts and mulling over situations has stopped. Find other things to do - playpark? another cafe?

Some people are just not that nice. I had an ex colleague who was off on maternity leave the same time as me and lived nearby and I used to see her at baby groups- after a couple of times she started being really offhand and obviously trying to get rid of me so I took the hint and restricted our interaction to a quick nod hello and then I'd go and sit somewhere else. And then suddenly she turned on the charm again and wanted to be best pals. It's just some sort of power play I think - they like to be able to freeze people out. If I were you OP I'd make myself a different post-class routine, be cheerful and friendly when you see them, chances are they'll be well disappointed they didn't get a reaction off you.

It’s embarrassing you’ve been going tbh. Do you just sit there in silence every week then?

I’m really sorry OP, whatever their intentions they are being rude imo. Next time after the class (and perhaps tell DD before too, since kids often dislike changes of plans and surprises) tell your daughter that you’ll be going to a yummy cafe / for an ice cream / whatever and peel away.

Can imagine these lot at the school gates too. Thankfully I’ve been able to avoid these types of women through all my children’s primary school years. Vacuous hags.

This right here

I kind of love it that you’ve been thick skinned enough to go for months, as your daughter enjoys it and you didn’t want to cook lunch. I’d have curled up in a ball of rejection after even one session of being ignored. Probably time to stop now though, given they clearly prefer to stay as a closed clique.

It sounds bizarre, I can only presume you somehow offended them all enormously in an early session. Did you comment on politics?

Anyway, I would just stop going and switch to a different activity next term. There are hundreds of toddler activities out there and you'll find a new group.

I’m trying to picture it and I can’t, are you actually sat at the same table as them, they’re chatting away and you say something and they ignore you, or do you sit in silence or are you sat at another table? When they gave out the colouring was your child sat at with their children or was she off somewhere playing with something else?

I think if they didn’t want you there AND they thought you were with them they would have stopped going there and gone somewhere else one week, they wouldn’t just keep going and accept you sat at their table but none of them talking to you.

I think they probably just think you’re shy if you’re sat with them at their table but not talking every week, or if you’re not sat at the same table then they don’t realise you’re with them, they think you’re just there as well as them but they’ve no obligation to talk to you.

If you’re sat at their table AND you’re talking to them/joining in the conversation and they’re ignoring you but they still all turn up every week then that is very weird, I can’t picture it.

I hate groups of women for this reason. So rude! I would never leave a child out like that, it shows their character - cruel on the inside. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that.

I’m sorry to say it (because it sounds such a cliche) but unfortunately I think this IS a thing with some NCT classes. I’ve heard too many anecdotes from friends and on here to think people are just being over sensitive.

NCT mothers do seem to be a type - well-heeled, well-educated, well-paid and with an attitude that they will ‘vet’ people before accepting them into their group. It’s not always inclusive and there’s a PLU (people like us) kind of vibe.

I don't know what's wrong with people. One thing you notice when your dc have grown up is that unkind parents have unkind dc. They don't model good behaviour. The answer is probably to miss the cafe part but it's difficult if your dc is used to going there.