Can anyone help me understand this social situation not sure what to do!

[Alysskea]

Honestly I feel like I’m in high school all over again trying to navigate the world of other toddler mums. Just wondering if anyone can help me work out what the heck is going on and if I’m the problem.

I take my 2yo to a sports session every week on my day off. She absolutely loves it. Afterwards the mums all go to a cafe and we’ve been tagging along because a) they invited us the first week and then said oh we come here every week b) she really enjoys going with the other kids and c) saves me having to try and feed her when we get home.

My issue is, these mums seem to go out of their way to exclude not only me but my child as well. Of course they all know each other better than they know me and I’m not asking for them to go out of their way to be overly friendly or anything, but we usually sit there for an hour and a half and they’ll talk to each other and ignore me completely. Don’t think they’ve ever asked me a question about my life. Fine, whatever. They also exclude my child! Last week one of them took out colouring pages and pens and handed them to each child except mine, and that’s just one example!

I am not sure what to make of it tbh. I have a few working theories

• they never actually wanted me there and asked me along to be polite. But this seems weird as I don’t know why they’d do this or how our presence takes away from their enjoyment of the experience
• they look down on me as I’m slightly less middle class than them. Honestly I’m highly educated and have the same job as one of them but I’m not quite on their level finance wise. You can tell that by looking at me. This makes me sound class obsessed but honestly I’m grasping at straws here.
• they for some reason don’t like me or my child’s personality. But again, I don’t understand why especially as they’ve never spoken to us!
• they’re just really cliquey and treat everyone this way. But I can’t understand how a grown ass woman would do that. It’s just nice to include people who YOU have invited out with you.

Honestly I find it quite upsetting taking my child along and seeing her excluded. She’s so good natured and describes them all as her ‘friends’ when they basically don’t interact with her because their parents have given them all toys and activities to do and not her. But she’d also be really sad if I said we couldn’t go eat with her friends anymore. It would make her even sadder if we didn’t go to her class anymore.

i am sure I’ll get crap for this post and get called paranoid and entitled, but I honestly just feel kind of puzzled and saddened by the whole thing. I am neurodivergent (I have ‘severe’ ADHD that is not medicated currently). But I generally get on well with people and have a broad group of friends including neurotypical middle class mums who seem to think we’re not beneath them lol. This just comes across to me as plain rudeness and seems kind of deranged 🤷🏼‍♀️.

You have just as much right to be in the cafe though, and I wouldn't stop going especially if it's convenient to you. Could you take some activities for DD and sit elsewhere one week? Or are there any other parents who are not part of this group but who you could ask to join you and DD after the session?

In the early years relationships with other parents are really strange and as much about convenience as anything else I think. But it's also how we model social behaviours to our kids, and in your case I wouldn't want my DD to learn other people have the power to exclude us from a public space.

Do they wear pink on Wednesdays?

I’d carry on going to the cafe when I didn’t want to cook lunch (I assume they don’t own the cafe!) but I’d not necessarily sit with them.

Alternatively you could have great fun ignoring their rude behaviour and being overtly charmingly social, bring activities for all the kids and make the point you’ve brought spares ‘Esmeralda was so upset when she was left out, wouldn’t want any other child to feel that way’ and invite every other parent in the sports group to the cafe each week (assuming they’re not the only ones in the group with you) so that their rude little group either goes elsewhere or is diluted down.

As for the person who thinks as an introvert they have a right to be rude, well no. If you’re not comfortable with other people being invited along and can’t fake some manners, just don’t come yourself nobody wants you.

Im ND and very few people feel comfortable with me or want to be friends which is fine, I find friends a lot of hard work but it’s extremely rare to meet people who are this exclusionary in casual social settings like kids’ clubs. This isn’t a you problem, these are just not very nice people and they are very much outliers.

Like most posters I would cringe with embarrassment and slink off as clearly not wanted.

But my highly extroverted wife would persist, make herself the best friend of the more friendly group members, make everyone laugh, ignore the icy stares of the reserved queen bee types and quickly become a core member of the group. That’s why she has loads of friends and is very popular (and why she is in all the mum cliques, not me).

I don’t think you’ve failed vetting, said anything to offend them, are too different from them, don’t wear the right clothes etc. They just can’t be bothered getting to know you.

You need an extrovert to knit you into the group. If you’re quite reserved yourself, you either need to find an outgoing member of this group to help you fit in, or you need to find a friendlier group. Some of my wife’s nicest mum friends have kids with extra needs and don’t have time for any of this cliquey nonsense.

Excluding a child like that is awful. Did anyone say anything? Did you say anything?

You can’t expose your child to that sort of behaviour. As others have said, you need to stop going. Really horrible. Is there a ringleader?

I'm also neurodivergent. I have a 1 year old and bloody hate mum's groups. I find them very cliquey, no one makes an effort, and I think people find me 'eccentric' because my hobbies are very nerdy.

I'm passive aggressive af so this would personally make me act as nice as pie, and I'd be joining every conversation lol. I would ignore it and act oblivious to any atmosphere.

But honestly this sounds rude, especially on behalf of your poor DD.

If your daughter likes going, it’s a public cafe, so I would still take her in and sit at a table with her. Just ignore those twats, enjoy yourself food and have a lovely time!

Does every single person go there or just a smaller group? Can you ask some others who don’t go to the cafe to go for lunch elsewhere.

I kind of get it Mother’s groups are cliquey. I went to a few before I found one that I worked with. It’s really about timing. I imagine the group I was in would have been funny about including others too as the core group was sort of established.

Do not play the pick me dance. All it will do is ruin your self esteem. Its sad they are being like that but its nothing about you and all about them.

The same has happened to me in primary school. My child is excluded from so much and she notices it. Pretty sure it is because I am not the right fit for the queen bee. Ive given up trying to care because it doesnt change the outcome. Id try and make your own friends.

This sort of comment confirms why people might want to assess others before bringing them into their established group!

Personally, any parent who would leave out a 2yo is not worth crossing the road for if they are on fire. And find your daughter another group because you really don’t want to encourage her to be friends with children with mothers like that. If I ever saw them again I’d look politely interested like they were a bird and I’m trying to remember what species they are.

That sounds like an honest straightforward and rational opinion- she’s welcome in my friendship group!

You’ve happened across some unpleasant women OP, continue taking your DD, hold you head high and ignore them.

You suggest acting like this and then wonder why you aren’t part of friendship groups?!

OP you need to read the room better. It is poor form for them to invite you and say you can come every week but sometimes things are said out of politeness. Once it was clear you didn't gel with them you shouldn't have kept going and your 2 year old will think nothing of you going straight home or somewhere else for lunch.

PS I am also ND and a year or two ago might have done the same as you.

Sounds awful for you both, but says everything about them and nothing about you. I've seen a lot of this sort of thing since being a mum. Seems some people love to exclude others on purpose, I think it makes them feel better about themselves. Avoid.

Before you go to the activity pre plan something with your daughter, have you a 'nice' friend you could meet in the park, or a favorite cafe you and DD go to. Then take great joy in telling the posh bitches you have plans, so no won't becoming to their bitchiest meeting at cafe 😁

No she is not. Communication matters. What has been said matters. If they said it in general like in the OP then we assume OP took the invitation upon herself but them saying we come here every week feel free to join us changes it to them being the ones who invited her. It changes the viewpoint a bit about how the situation came about.

Get off your high horse.

OP I am quite shocked you put up with this for 2-3months.
I am also curious if you engage at all in their conversations ? Or even asked after the class, is it alright if I join? But I find social navigation awkward and would not just tag a long even if someone said one time it is OK.

Either way, they are being mean to your child. I would have never gone back the first time it happened if I were you.

I agree with the poster a few posts up - you haven’t done anything. They have not collectively decided you don’t pass the vetting based on class, finances, looks, children…they think nothing about anything but themselves.

There will be this wierd unspoken hierarchy that you don’t know about within the group that means the culture of the group is closed…that’s the way it is.

Here are you actual choices:

1. Don’t go
2. Do go, repeatedly and over time you will become a fixture and assimilated just through perseverance. Know you will have to do the heavy lifting of asking questions and inserting yourself. It will help if you can join up with one of the nicer ones.

Also, when/if they go out together (unlikely) be prepared to not find out about it after the event. However, by being more friendly with a nicer/softer one - you will get an evening invitation eventually.

From then on, for some anthropological unknown to me reason, you will be a full member of the group when you have done something collectively outside of the group.

They sound rude and I wouldn't tag along. However, wondering how much you initiate interaction? Do you tag along and wait to be brought into the chat or do you initiate conversations/engage? If you're quiet and wait to be brought in maybe they feel that's an effort they don't want on a casual mums lunch?

In defence of introverts... many of us have basic social skills and manage to be at a minimum polite, sometimes we can even up the ante and be actively friendly. "Introvert" isn't an excuse for making other people feel like shit.

You have soldiered on longer than I would have, OP. You don't have to spend time with unpleasant people!

I don’t think you’re paranoid or entitled. I would keep going to the sports session if it’s the only one nearby but I would stop going to the café.

Were they only nice the first week and then you’ve been putting up with their coldness for the last 2/3 months for the sake of your dd? If yes, you were a trooper for sticking at it so long, but as they’re being mean to you and dd, it’s time to stop.

I think ADHD can make us bear a situation longer than an NT person.

Agreed. You can't - or at least, shouldn't - force yourself on people. They are indeed being rude but so is showing up repeatedly for 2-3 months when the invite to do so looks a bit uncertain in the first place. And/or maybe OP just didn't gel with the group - and that's ok! Nobody is obliged to be friends with anybody else. The appropriate and adult thing to do would be to move on and focus on meeting more like-minded people.

OP - I really can't see how a 2-year-old would care so much about this. Perhaps you are keen to be part of a group of mums and projecting this onto your child?