Does her DH have somewhere to land??

[CallMeMessy]

BFF. Been with her DH for 25 years +, we know them both well, seemed really solid but he has suddenly announced he wants to separate with no real reason given. They have 3 DC, youngest is 8. She’s been completely caught unaware by DHs sudden request to call it a day.
Does he have someone else in the picture?? The cynic in me says yes because I don’t know a single couple where the man didn’t have someone else when he was the one to end the relationship. Either having an affair outright or someone waiting in the wings.

YANBU - he’s got someone else in mind/ having an affair

YABU - you’re a cynic! Sometimes it’s just as it seems and he’s got other reasons.

And if I was cynical, I could say the women I know just didn't want to solely handle the finances for her and her kids to be housed. But really I know it is far more complex than that and more about her lack of autonomy and the poor relationships she has seen around her.

True in this case but not true in all cases.

What I would hate is that my son overhears this type of talk from me where I tell him that the world will think he is cheating if he tries to leave his wife at all.

And this is backed up by remarriage rates after being widowed. Men are much more likely to remarry after the death of a spouse than women.

haha. The reality is that cliches are cliches for a reason. Yes, if a man leaves his wife seemingly out of the blue, we all assume it's an affair.

But, spoiler alert, if it is NOT an affair, that will become clear over time. The reason we all think it's an affair is becuase 9/10, within weeks, the man has a new girlfriend who just happened to come on the scene and who very quickly, it's discovered the truth.

These things aren't exactly hidden.

Just like lots of men are shitty co-parents and certainly more men are absent or elusive parents than women - that is a statistical fact. But of course, not all men are. And it's really very easy to spot the difference. I'm a bit cynical so I tend to worry that the man is going to be become an absent father but I'm also fully able to see the many men who do not do so.

Thinking about my all the men in my circle of friends, they all left because of another woman. Most had affairs, and only one split up because he developed a crush on someone at work (who he later married). Most of these men were in ‘happy family set-ups’ , ie, husband and wife doing things together, with their kids etc.

I’fe known fewer women leave their husbands, the reason being controlling partners.

Yeah, that doesnt sound great to me. I think the world is a lot more complex than that.

But do you know they were happy?

Nothing to appear they were unhappy.

If he isn’t, he has nothing to worry about.
They’re only suspicions until the truth emerges.

Yeah that isn't okay. Especially how "suspicious" people think it is okay to treat those they find dubious.

‘Nothing has happened’, ‘The cheque’s in the post’, ‘Of course I’ll still respect you in the morning’.

Oh don't be so ridiculous!

Hopefully your son will be the type of man who actually communicates with his partner rather than one who hides how he feels, doesn't communicate his needs and then feels his unspoken happiness justifies an affair.
And hopefully he will be the type of man who takes his marriage seriously & will try all he can to make it work before he decides he wants to end it.

It is possible for marriages to be ended fairly amicably if both partners behave respectfully towards each other.

My son could marry an abusive person who makes honest communication very difficult if not dangerous. He's under no more pressure than his sister from me to stay in an unhealthy relationship. He doesn't need to make inordinate efforts to try and make it work just because he's male or because he is married. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

I didn't say he was under more obligation than a woman is, how bizarre.

Both partners in a marriage should try to make it work otherwise why bother entering into a marriage at all?

My point is simply that if your son communicates well with his future wife should he get married and makes an effort to ensure they have an equal & respectful relationship there is no reason that he will be solely blamed or suspected of cheating should the marriage unfortunately end.

It's been made clear here that actually, if their marriage appears to be fine from the outside, then people around them will speculate that he is cheating. So he doesnt only have to communicate openly with his wife, but his family, friends, neighbours, colleagues and in-laws, too.

Well, yes. And in this case there is someone else.