Does her DH have somewhere to land??

[CallMeMessy]

BFF. Been with her DH for 25 years +, we know them both well, seemed really solid but he has suddenly announced he wants to separate with no real reason given. They have 3 DC, youngest is 8. She’s been completely caught unaware by DHs sudden request to call it a day.
Does he have someone else in the picture?? The cynic in me says yes because I don’t know a single couple where the man didn’t have someone else when he was the one to end the relationship. Either having an affair outright or someone waiting in the wings.

YANBU - he’s got someone else in mind/ having an affair

YABU - you’re a cynic! Sometimes it’s just as it seems and he’s got other reasons.

Typical. I don’t think I know of any man that didn’t leave without someone else lined up.

Possibly so. All things are always possible. I am 60 so I have a bit of life experience simply because ive been around a long while. I worked as a teacher for 20 years and spent time with many women in many work places. I did lots of different jobs after leaving teaching and worked with bith nen and women. I'm retired now and have lots of time to join different groups, some very women centred, some mixed sex . I can honestly say that I have never met a man or the ex wife of a man who had left because he wanted to set himself up in a flat and live alone. I have met many women who either did that or who dreamt fondly of doing it . Every man left because he had someone else to go to. I am happy for you that your experience is different.

except, we all predicted it and then it turned out to be true.

Cliches are often cliches for a reason.

Yet you are (I think!) trying to tell me I’m wrong, presumably with evidence from YOUR world?
(Even though the updates from the OP confirm my theory in this instance?)

Unless MN wants to draft in scholars on each subject discussed on its fora, this place relies on people giving their own perspective and experience. None is superior to the other. They often differ because we all live in our own worlds, but the AIBU poll usually tells us what the most common experiences are. And we can only speak from our own experiences (unless we are indeed scholars in a particular subject).

See the women I know have been more inclined to do that simply because they believe they are nothing without a man. That's a sentiment that has been echoed when they've had unhealthy relationships. So they essentially leave one abusive man for another because they dont believe they can make it alone.

I am not saying that men only leave their wives when they are mental though. I am aware that my experience isn't The Experience. I think people leave their spouses for varied reasons. You cant really group them, and especially not solely by gender.

I’d suggest that’s a super helpful phrasing to attain political correctness, but I’d hardly going to help the OP with her question.

It will help her to understand that a bunch of strangers cant guess the motivations and intentions of someone they don't know based on their sex.

Yet you kind of can!
Cliché’s are clichés for a reason. Have you never come across a situation and exclaimed ‘Typical!’? This is one of them.

No you really cant and this type of men are this way and women sre that way doesnt work outside of anatomy. It plays into the idea that if you aren't the way the rest of your sex are, you can change it so your mind fits your body.

Except that the guesses were predictably right.

Do you see there being any difference between:

a) "It's so common for a man to leave a marriage because there's another woman that it's become a cliche"

b) "Men only leave marriages when there's another woman"

Of course you/we CAN change. It’s just that many don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally get where you are coming from, and I largely agree with you!

This is one particular scenario (the ending of a long term relationship) that I’ve noticed all too frequently though, the difference between the sexes and the predictability of men’s behaviour. I first noticed it about 30 years ago, and have yet to see a single man leave without somewhere to land. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes. The first would be used in an essay on the question. The second would be an informal response to an AIBU on MN.

I think she probably already knows that, but was asking for opinions anyway.

As I said, it sounds like that's more about the men you know. Just like I happen to know a lot of disempowered women. Why do you think the men you know would never just leave a relationship that is unhealthy/unhappy? Have you considered that maybe they don't know that they can, or they don't recognise that they aren't in a relationship that helps them thrive?

Maybe that's why they have the pattern that you see. They genuinely don't know that they could be treated better/be happier/feel safer/feel loved until they experience it from a source that they really shouldn't and then they swap for that better situation. It isn't unlike the women I know, actually. But unfortunately the better situation is often just love bombing from a new abuser.

Btw, have you seen the thread on warning young girls/women about the ‘realities’ of marriage and having children?
If you want to see some proper gender stereotyping, head there!

It is rife on this site. Probably the worse I've seen on the Internet in a place that isn't for incels and the like.

I think the men in my immediate circle are pretty happy.
Those who I’m just aware of and that behaved in this way though, I think they did know they could be happier, but they preferred to wait for that new ‘happiness possibility’ to show up before leaving their situation.
I don’t think men, generally, do as well on their own as women do - in fact, I think there has actually been some research done on this! They’d rather be unhappy WITH someone than risk trying to be happy alone.

I see that as a problem with self esteem and disempowerment. If you're scared to be alone, it isn't from a position of strength.

"informal response" clearly being shorthand for "an offensive stereotype that's demonstrably untrue but is nevertheless common here because MN is full of bitter women".

That would be one interpretation, certainly.
I’m a little more cynical than you and would put it down more to laziness. They don’t want the hassle and upheaval, or to have to do all the household chores and part-time child care on their own!

Offensive, yet, it turns out, true. Not ‘demonstrably untrue’ at all.

Just to be very clear, I don't believe that the cliche of men doing this - finding some other woman and then leaving - is a real thing becuase of anatomy or biology. It's because of the way men and women are socialised and the endless lessons we teach girls and boys without even realising it. men centre themselves and society has allowed, or even encouraged this, for a long time. It's one of the reasons the language we use for girls vs boys or men vs women is so often different with such different connotations.

Funnily enough, I personally know two couples well enough to have seen the situation where the man has CLAIMED that the relationship broke down because of the woman's "issues". But it only takes a tiny tiny bit of digging to see that it's far more complicated than that. In one, she was completely worn down and no, she ddn't want to have sex. Why? Because HE had never stepped up. He claimed he was so stressed at work that she had to cut back to part time hours becuase the "stress" of coming home and having to do childcare or housework was too much for him. If the house wasn't spotless when he came home, he would have a meltdown. If he couldn't go running for 2 hours 6 days a week... he had a metldown. And yes, she became a nervous wreck. I remember going over one day and she was in a state because she hadn't had a chance to clean up the kitchen after the DC's dinner and he was going to be home soon. Another time, she came out for drinks and her parents were looking after the DC as he was away for work and she told me how relaxing it had been not having him there. But ify ou spek to HIM he will tell you (as he has told many mutual friends), that she became boring and anxious and he just felt like he needed more.Oh, and it was a total coincidence that he found a new partner within weeks of breaking up.

The other claims his ex was "toxic" and "mental" and that he "couldn't do anything right". Funnily enough, I've personally experienced his aggression when he didn't get his own way directed to me, my dh and my DC as well as to other people. He once physically shoved me out of the way because he was so angry that we were hosting a baby shower for his wife at their house. Since the relationship broke down, even as he tells everyone how "mental" and "toxic" and "narcissistic" she is, he has not had their DC for a single overnight, has routinely disappeared for months at a time (apparently she's caused his mental health to be very bad) and has not paid a single penny towards his children.

And on MN and hearing stries from other people that are similar, I know how commoon this is.

So I'm sure you'll hate me because frankly, i dont' believe most of the stories about needing to leave because of a woman's issues.

Stereotypes exist for a reason. Agree, not every man leaves for someone else but this thread has proved that it’s depressingly weighted that way