Does her DH have somewhere to land??

[CallMeMessy]

BFF. Been with her DH for 25 years +, we know them both well, seemed really solid but he has suddenly announced he wants to separate with no real reason given. They have 3 DC, youngest is 8. She’s been completely caught unaware by DHs sudden request to call it a day.
Does he have someone else in the picture?? The cynic in me says yes because I don’t know a single couple where the man didn’t have someone else when he was the one to end the relationship. Either having an affair outright or someone waiting in the wings.

YANBU - he’s got someone else in mind/ having an affair

YABU - you’re a cynic! Sometimes it’s just as it seems and he’s got other reasons.

Well, I’ll put it like this: my marriage had been pretty dead in the water/more of a flatmates situation for about two years. I knew I should end it but couldn’t quite find the courage and kept putting it off.

Then I got talking to someone one day at a shared hobby and I knew…it was time to end it because I felt very strongly drawn to this person, and if I could feel like that out of nowhere, I had to make myself free.

So I guess I’m saying…he could have met someone but it not he as straightforward as ‘he’s an out and out cunt’. Life and marriage are complex things.

When I started practicing 25 years ago as a family solicitor, a very senior partner said to me

Always remember, women will leave for many reasons, a man will only ever leave a marriage with children if he has someone else to go to.

I thought he was crazy, and old fashioned, I never managed to prove him wrong. In twenty years of my own career.

Agreed. Or non-binary, or maybe trans.

He also might be involved in an elaborate financial fraud and planning to move to Panama under a false identity, and wants to cut his ties beforehand.

Or maybe an international assassin / gun for hire who knows his next job may be his last.

@RabbitintheHeadLamps Sounds like the canoe man John Darwin (but he rejoined his wife eventually and she was as bad as he was), or a fast paced thriller novel. Trans though? it's possible, as is anything I suppose, including pure boredom in the relationship and nothing more.

He’s cheating. I’d bet a lot of money on it. An affair will reveal itself soon enough, or a ‘friendship became more when he needed support’ (probably a work colleague) and will crawl out of the woodwork in the next few months. I’ve never known a man to do this without a soft landing. Women, yes but not men.

You don’t, I do. That’s all.

I know. I’m a terrible person. I suppose I’m looking for reassurances that he’s going to be different from other men in couples we know and also talking about something I can’t talk about IRL as it’s info kept only to a very small circle right now.

He is having an affair. Of course he is.

I cringe for myself if I recall how much I protested to a friend (well to lots of friends but one in particular) who was trying to make sure I didn’t get screwed financially in the divorce: “people keep saying Dick must be having an affair, but I know Dick would never do that. He is not that sort of person.”

Turns out Dick was having an air.

Of course he was.

Having an affair that should have said🙄

He's not different from other men, sorry but they're all invariably some sort of disappointing cliché, even the seemingly nice and intelligent ones.

Which means that there's no hard and fast rule here, yes? Some men end relationships because of affairs, some don't - as evidenced not only by my experience but several other posters on this thread - and you have no idea which is true in this case.

What an awful thread. Gossiping and speculating about your friends. What’s the point in guessing, I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough one way or another

Yes, I left my 28 year marriage because I was unhappy. No abuse, but the marriage had just run out of steam.

The kids were adult, so no reason to stay.

No one else was involved.

Men are notorious for not talking about their feelings. It’s not uncommon for them to be really unhappy for a long time (years!) but just carry on..

I don’t know any marriages ended in divorce where there was an OW. Just several (one was mine!) where the man just announced he wasn’t happy/need to separate. In my case, in hindsight things weren’t amazing for a little while before announcement but I had put it down to busy lives and lots of work/family stress 🤷‍♀️

Mine had OW ready. Wealthy OW. As soon as it became apparent that my father left no money in his will, he was off. Went to being a wealthy part time father (2 days a fortnight) with multiple holidays abroad every year, while I was left poverty stricken with 3 children. This was the 90s.
He has somewhere to land. Maybe OW. May be OM.

Their youngest is 8. That’s a whole different story.

When you say you don't know a single couple where the man wasn't having an affair or had someone waiting is this completely accurate there because I do know of a man who did exactly this and wasn't having an affair with anybody and had nobody waiting. He just didn't want to be married anymore. It really was that simple. He's still single and not remotely interested in anyone else. I find it hard to believe so many of you know so many men who are all having affairs

My 2 kids are 8 & 11. My DH wasn’t happy. No OW. The separation was a shock but I missed some signs (in hindsight). It amazes me how so many mumsnetters think this just isn’t something that happens in real life.

(And yes I’m 100% sure no OW because of our post split set up/he has barely has time to fart for years, let alone date!)

Yeah, I call bullshit on this whole "every man I know who's left a marriage has been having an affair, thus every man who leaves a marriage is having an affair" line.

I'd like some hard numbers from them - how many divorced couples do they know? In how many of those cases do they actually know the ins and outs of what happened (not counting second-hand gossip or a one-sided narrative)? I flat-out do not believe that number is above, say, 20 for your average middle-aged person. And I'd wager it's more like single figures. Which is certainly an insufficient data set to be basing any universal claims off.

You can still leave someone if you’re unhappy, and your child is 8.

I think ‘he must be having an affair’ is just sometimes more palatable than thinking someone just genuinely doesn’t want to be with you.

I spend the majority of my working life with men. I honestly do not know a single one, from work or anywhere else, who has left without someone to go to. Literally never. Oh, they might deny it at first, because of the optics, but in the end? It always comes slithering into sight.
Women? Yes, sometimes, but I also know a fair few who left for someone else.
I also have a weirdly good radar for affairs, I can always bloody tell. Saw BIL a few weeks back and after an hour in his company, I just knew. Discussed with DH who went mad, said I was mental, he’d never do that. Saw him again recently and after a few drinks, he confessed. I hate being right!

I think it happens sometimes.

I also think some men leave for OW and some leave so that they are then free to date & pursue a new relationship.

If that's the case, the man is actually doing the right thing in ending his marriage first but I think to outsiders this looks like an affair because the man gets into a relationship quickly & that's why it seems like so many marriages end in affairs.
If that makes sense?

That's fine if he also says (and does) I'll sort out somewhere suitable and have the kids 50/50 and we'll split the costs equally and I'll do my fair share of dentist appointments and birthday parties and school admin and costume making. ...how many men do you know who actually DO that post split? I do t care how unhappy/ bored /MLC he's feeling, he shouldn't get to just effectively walk out on parenting which is highly likely what he'll do.

Hello @RhaenysRocks I am here advocating for the men who do exactly what you describe. He was just unhappy. No OW. Maybe I’m “lucky”, maybe it’s less usual. But it DOES happen!! (And no, I’m not the man…)

Because, of course, no woman has ever been abusive or had an affair so no man has ever had a reason to leave a relationship unless he's had his head turned.

FFS.