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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does her DH have somewhere to land??

192 replies

CallMeMessy · 27/08/2025 14:05

BFF. Been with her DH for 25 years +, we know them both well, seemed really solid but he has suddenly announced he wants to separate with no real reason given. They have 3 DC, youngest is 8. She’s been completely caught unaware by DHs sudden request to call it a day.
Does he have someone else in the picture?? The cynic in me says yes because I don’t know a single couple where the man didn’t have someone else when he was the one to end the relationship. Either having an affair outright or someone waiting in the wings.

YANBU - he’s got someone else in mind/ having an affair

YABU - you’re a cynic! Sometimes it’s just as it seems and he’s got other reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
CallMeMessy · 27/08/2025 16:54

I genuinely hope it’s not another party involved because we’d like to stay friends with BOTH of them, and the only other couple we’ve managed that with is a break up where the Mrs had enough but there was no-one else … so the divorce was a lot less messy than it could have been.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 27/08/2025 17:14

whitewineandsun · 27/08/2025 16:46

If youre unhappy in a marriage, that's a reason to leave whether you're man or woman.

This place is LTB central. It should go both ways. If he has an affair, that's cowardly af and another matter.

Show quote history

Well yes, it’s not illegal to leave a marriage but to say you can leave a marriage (with children) for any reason, though technically correct, you’d hope it was for a good and valid reason. Perhaps there have been signs but OP’s friend hasn’t divulged that to OP.

Willoo · 27/08/2025 17:15

They aren’t always cheating. It’s typical MN to think that

LavenderBlue19 · 27/08/2025 17:18

Absolutely certain he's having an affair already. I don't know of any relationship ended by the man where they didn't have another woman already in place.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 27/08/2025 17:26

BunnyLake · 27/08/2025 17:14

Well yes, it’s not illegal to leave a marriage but to say you can leave a marriage (with children) for any reason, though technically correct, you’d hope it was for a good and valid reason. Perhaps there have been signs but OP’s friend hasn’t divulged that to OP.

Show quote history

Surely, "I don't want to be in this marriage any more" is a good enough reason.

I'm struggling to think of something that would be an invalid reason to be honest.

RuthandPen · 27/08/2025 17:27

Willoo · 27/08/2025 17:15

They aren’t always cheating. It’s typical MN to think that

Yes, as I always say, an idiot friend of mine told his wife of fifteen years that he wanted a divorce on the second day of their family holiday -- no one waiting in the wings. I remember saying when he told me when he got home that he needed to make sure that he actively made his life post-marriage properly happy, as he was causing a lot of hurt. Instead of which he moved down the road and spent the next two years gaming on his sofa before embarking on a new relationship. Which (though I now live in another country and don't have a lot of contact with him) has gone the same way as his marriage. He's completely unsuited to relationships.

whitewineandsun · 27/08/2025 17:36

BunnyLake · 27/08/2025 17:14

Well yes, it’s not illegal to leave a marriage but to say you can leave a marriage (with children) for any reason, though technically correct, you’d hope it was for a good and valid reason. Perhaps there have been signs but OP’s friend hasn’t divulged that to OP.

Show quote history

Being unhappy is a reason, perfectly valid. A lot of people get to 25 years and divorce.

NotYoCheese · 27/08/2025 18:22

whitewineandsun · 27/08/2025 17:36

Being unhappy is a reason, perfectly valid. A lot of people get to 25 years and divorce.

Show quote history

Maybe, but just doing a quick run-through in my head of splits in long-term hetero relationships in my friend groups, and six out of seven ended because the man had an affair; and the one that didn't, the woman had the affair!

ginasevern · 27/08/2025 18:26

BigFatLiar · 27/08/2025 15:43

Could be any reason. Do all women leave a marriage because they're having affairs?

Perhaps after 25 years he thinks he's simply become part of the furniture and wants out.

No, far fewer women leave for another man. But men need a housekeeper with benefits don't they and usually a younger model than their wives.

potplant · 27/08/2025 18:32

Mine didn’t have a backup to go to. He had threatened to do it before and this time I called his bluff and off he went.

However he was adamant that we wouldn’t get divorced ‘for the kids’, then a few years later, he suddenly changed his mind. Guess why?

That said, I definitely think he’s had his head turned somewhere. Maybe not a full blown affair but something is happening.

Original poster
CallMeMessy · 27/08/2025 18:37

The DH has had a big work promo and he’s all puffed up at the moment with the success, which he’s earned to be fair to him. He seems very happy.

OP posts:
Wherehavealltheflowersgone1 · 27/08/2025 18:39

Yep, he has somewhere to land. And no there aren’t always “signs”, plus if you love someone and believe you are in a committed relationship, you trust them. So if they seem stressed or distant, they might say it’s work, or whatever and you would believe them. That’s not “crazy” at all. None of us want to think we are married to someone who could or would do that.

bumbaloo · 27/08/2025 18:41

You don’t know the ins and outs. They have been together 25 years. Maybe there’s no intimacy. Maybe he has spoken about it and she’s dodged the subject. Maybe she thought when she said she just feels little to no interest that he’d be ok forever with no sex. Maybe it’s been years. Who knows? And maybe he has met someone who wants him or maybe he hasn’t but he wants to end things do he can move forward with a life that includes physical intimacy as he knows a platonic relationship isn’t for him. People say cheaters should have ended things first. Maybe that’s what he’s doing. . Could be many things

bumbaloo · 27/08/2025 18:43

potplant · 27/08/2025 18:32

Mine didn’t have a backup to go to. He had threatened to do it before and this time I called his bluff and off he went.

However he was adamant that we wouldn’t get divorced ‘for the kids’, then a few years later, he suddenly changed his mind. Guess why?

That said, I definitely think he’s had his head turned somewhere. Maybe not a full blown affair but something is happening.

So he left and you lived separately for years and then he met someone else? Hardly a villain.

bumbaloo · 27/08/2025 18:45

whitewineandsun · 27/08/2025 17:36

Being unhappy is a reason, perfectly valid. A lot of people get to 25 years and divorce.

Show quote history

Often because the physical side has gone and one person is being unwillingly forced to live an life of celibacy. You can’t force someone to have sex and most people wouldn’t even want to have sex with someone doing it unwillingly. The right thing is to split.

gannett · 27/08/2025 18:51

The cynic in me says yes because I don’t know a single couple where the man didn’t have someone else when he was the one to end the relationship. Either having an affair outright or someone waiting in the wings.

This is one of those bits of MN consensus that I find absolutely baffling because I know plenty of men who have ended relationships without anyone else involved, and no one I've known in real life has ever said anything along these lines. (That said, no one I know in real life feels the need to reduce everything to Men Are Like This, Women Are Like That in the way this site does.)

In no particular order the most common relationship-ending reasons I've observed are

-one of them wants kids, the other doesn't
-the utterly mundane dynamic of simply growing apart, more like flatmates than partners
-one of them wants "to be free" (invariably this means travelling)

Mostly but not always, the one who doesn't want kids is the man. The second and third have nothing to do with being male or female (and I've observed them in LGBT splits too).

I really don't know that many people who've had affairs or sidepieces.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2025 18:53

I bet he's got someone half his age and she's probably pregnant.

RabbitintheHeadLamps · 27/08/2025 18:57

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2025 18:53

I bet he's got someone half his age and she's probably pregnant.

Well, this escalated quickly.

Dweetfidilove · 27/08/2025 18:58

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2025 18:53

I bet he's got someone half his age and she's probably pregnant.

Holy hell 😳!
For all their sakes, I hope you're fully wrong.

RuthandPen · 27/08/2025 19:06

gannett · 27/08/2025 18:51

The cynic in me says yes because I don’t know a single couple where the man didn’t have someone else when he was the one to end the relationship. Either having an affair outright or someone waiting in the wings.

This is one of those bits of MN consensus that I find absolutely baffling because I know plenty of men who have ended relationships without anyone else involved, and no one I've known in real life has ever said anything along these lines. (That said, no one I know in real life feels the need to reduce everything to Men Are Like This, Women Are Like That in the way this site does.)

In no particular order the most common relationship-ending reasons I've observed are

-one of them wants kids, the other doesn't
-the utterly mundane dynamic of simply growing apart, more like flatmates than partners
-one of them wants "to be free" (invariably this means travelling)

Mostly but not always, the one who doesn't want kids is the man. The second and third have nothing to do with being male or female (and I've observed them in LGBT splits too).

I really don't know that many people who've had affairs or sidepieces.

I agree with you that this is a mystifying Mn consensus, and, I imagine, one of those weird little bits of baseless pseudo-information that just circulates on Mn, like that endlessly repeated factoid about the arrow on your petrol gauge indicating which side your fuel tank is on.

Other reasons for leaving --

classic midlife crisis ('What have I turned into?')

realisation that he simply didn't want to live FT with children he almost certainly shouldn't have had, having gone along with his ex's idea because it's 'what you do'

bi and wanting to sleep with men (though in fact, he didn't and his next relationship was also with a woman).

bumbaloo · 27/08/2025 19:08

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2025 18:53

I bet he's got someone half his age and she's probably pregnant.

That’s a sudden leap 🤣

TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2025 19:12

Op will have to come back in 6 months and let us know.

Sidebeforeself · 27/08/2025 19:14

how awful of you to start a thread about your friends situation for no other reason than to get strangers speculating

wuminty · 27/08/2025 19:14

He's gay I'd say 😊

potplant · 27/08/2025 19:14

bumbaloo · 27/08/2025 18:43

So he left and you lived separately for years and then he met someone else? Hardly a villain.

Show quote history

I didn’t say he was.

I mean, he is, but I don’t care about that.