Does her DH have somewhere to land??

[CallMeMessy]

BFF. Been with her DH for 25 years +, we know them both well, seemed really solid but he has suddenly announced he wants to separate with no real reason given. They have 3 DC, youngest is 8. She’s been completely caught unaware by DHs sudden request to call it a day.
Does he have someone else in the picture?? The cynic in me says yes because I don’t know a single couple where the man didn’t have someone else when he was the one to end the relationship. Either having an affair outright or someone waiting in the wings.

YANBU - he’s got someone else in mind/ having an affair

YABU - you’re a cynic! Sometimes it’s just as it seems and he’s got other reasons.

Of course there is.
But you’re right, despite the oceans off evidence that it’s always the case (men don’t leave until they’ve got someone else tee’d up), it is somehow still disappointing ☹️
Hugs to your friend and her poor kids. 🩵🩵

It is ASTONISHING how often meet another woman and "nothing happened" but they leave their wives.....

I'm sorry for your friend.

Ignore the poster saying you are sharing it with the world. No one knows you and it'd sadly so common there's nothing identifying here.

Of course there is. And of course “nothings happened” 🤮🤮🤮Because none of us have ever been there, and experienced this 🤯🤯🤯🤯
Honestly, I find the entire thing depressing. They spout this shite like it’s the gospel, some kind of bloody revelation, whereas the truth is they are following the same tired, cliched fucking script of every man who couldn’t keep it zipped.
Lots of love to your friend op. It’s shit but she’ll get through and come out better on the other side. Who wants a man like this? No one!!

100% of the men I know that have left a marriage with kids have done so because they are having an affair. A very close friend has recently been blindsided by her “family man” husband announcing he’s leaving and I am awaiting the reveal that he too has a new woman as all the signs are there - working away, weight loss, no explanation, not wanting to work at relationship etc. such a cliche and really disappointing from someone we never would have expected it from.

If he’s moving out quickly and not fighting to stay on the home until it’s sold then yes he needs privacy for his shagging

He told me he’s willing to get a place now to save awkwardness while the house is sold… less stress for the children. But he has already instructed a solicitor - a week after saying he wants a separation- and wants it all done asap.

I suppose if you’ve moved on in your head, why hang around. They have enough money to split and buy 2 decent places so at least that is something I suppose. And he wants to stay as part of the friendship grp - said that it always seems to be the man who loses out there so I told him that very much depends on how he behaves from now on…

You could write the script! 😂
’It’s always the man who loses out’ on friendship group retention. Yes, because it’s virtually always the man who has had an affair and broken a heart.
Jog on mate.

Yeah, does he also want to bring his new woman to friendship activities on week 3 while your friend is still reeling?

There was apost on here a coupl eof weeks ago where a woman and her DH were having a huge issue because he wanted her to socialise with his friend and his new partner, who was the OW. The OP was still supporting her friend who was in complete pieces over the split and had no desire to become buddies with the OW.

They're such twats.

He’s worried because another couple in our group split a year ago & we ditched our grp chat with that guy in it for a new one which didn’t include him, and we don’t see him much.

BUT that was because it turned out he was having an affair, lied about it, tried to blame his lovely partner for it, then told the kids they were getting a new ‘mum’ who would be cooler and more fun than their actual mum within weeks of the affair coming out. He then tried to financially
screw his lovely ex over - succeeded pretty well - so she’s now, not surprisingly, not super keen to be around the ex socially and yes, we have chosen to hang with her rather than him because she’s nicer, fun, kind and not an absolute selfish snake putting her own wants before the kids like he is.

I had to do some complicated avoiding of a man like this on a train the other day. He ditched his wife, claimed the OW was just someone he met and fell for AFTER he ditched his wife (haha) and has happily left her to do all the childcare.

His only redeeming feature is that, last I heard, he's NOT screwing her financially. But who knows if that will continue.

I was going to say, maybe he's 'cock of the walk" because he has someone stroking his ego and it seems I was right.

Don't believe for a second that nothing happened. You dont end a 25yr relationship and rush to divorce for a flirtation. He's trying to minimise his actions so he's not the bad guy.

He may well want to stay part of the friendship group but maybe he should have thought of that before lining up another woman and effectively cheating on his wife.

Honestly, the cheek of the man!

Completely agree!

One of my closest friends left his long term partner a few months ago, supposedly out of the blue. He's been unhappy for years and had told her he wasn't happy but she chose not to confront the reality of what was happening.

He isn't seeing anyone else. He just had enough of being miserable.

Undoubtedly often there's another person, whether you're talking about men or women, but it isn't a given.

Not a given but if you look at my update then in this case there is someone else…

For men it is often very compartmentalised and practical. Even if miserable, they tend to stay because they can box that off, and still get their laundry done, meals cooked and have free access to their kids.
If they have someone ‘in the wings’, they leave to facilitate moving that forward, and put up with any short term, practical inconveniences.

Are you SURE your friend doesn’t have his eyes elsewhere?

This is an example of a gendered thread. The thought that a man could have decided a relationship simply isn't making him as happy as he could be hasn't occurred to anyone because he is a man. This is the message you all send your children about what makes a man and what makes a woman, and then wonder why they want to change sex when they use your stereotypes as a baseline to work out their own identity.

We have no idea why this man wants to leave his wife.

Seriously, do you bring up your kids telling them that this is how men are (and by default, women are the opposite?)

We do - he told me himself about the OW

From your OP, there was no way of knowing that.

From my updates there was.

Women tend to leave long marriages because the husband is abusive, has cheated or is chronically lazy. Men tend to leave them because they are having an affair.

People reacted to an OP saying why would this man none of you know want to leave his wife? Lots of people said he's having an affair based on the fact he's a man.

Nah. He’s got somewhere to land. I’d bet a kidney on it.

Hope your friend is ok.

I’ve just done a head count, and about 75% of marriages we know which have broken up are because of the man’s affair. What has always struck me is that is invariably the absolutely gorgeous wife that gets cheated on. Make of that what you will.