Does her DH have somewhere to land??

[CallMeMessy]

BFF. Been with her DH for 25 years +, we know them both well, seemed really solid but he has suddenly announced he wants to separate with no real reason given. They have 3 DC, youngest is 8. She’s been completely caught unaware by DHs sudden request to call it a day.
Does he have someone else in the picture?? The cynic in me says yes because I don’t know a single couple where the man didn’t have someone else when he was the one to end the relationship. Either having an affair outright or someone waiting in the wings.

YANBU - he’s got someone else in mind/ having an affair

YABU - you’re a cynic! Sometimes it’s just as it seems and he’s got other reasons.

Most men I know who have left did so due to what basically amounted to untreated mental health problems in their ex ranging from substance abuse to gambling issues to BPD.

And they were right.

Posted before I saw your update. Knew it’d be another woman despite all the naysayers.

I too have never known a man jump without somewhere to land.

Sounds like an element of mid life crisis to be honest. Although that’s no excuse. Your poor friend.

Tell the that men and women are different? Think differently? Have different needs and priorities? Yes.
The trans lobby would disagree, but most people would think this is pretty obvious.

Good for you for somehow having the tiny percentage of poor men and awful women in your friendship group.

How unusual that you know so many men married to women with serious mental illness! In any case, that's why I said 'tend to'. One trend that is very common is the wife becoming asexual after menopause and the husband eventually looking elsewhere. The husbands would probably say the relationship ended well before the affair but they don't tend to actually leave until they have 'somewhere to land'.

Well, yes they were unfortunately. Although he’s told me ‘nothing’ has happened…

According to OP who said he said nothing has happened.

The idea that men always do x and so women always do y is a huge part of the reason we have men who do y assuming they are women.

As I said in the other thread, it would really make sense if the members heredo have a disproportionate number of trans identifying children as was suggested, because the membership generally largely hold these incredibly rigid, gendered perspectives of the world and its inhabitants. They pass these onto their children and confuse them about who they are because they don't align with these stereotypes.

Yeah, right. 🙄

Sorry to hear about the cliche outcome.

I guess the ‘only’ saving grace in this situation is he’s taking action to split before (hopefully) an affair has started, although I wouldn’t be surprised ifs in the early stages of an EA.

As you say, disappointing.

Tbh, I don’t stereotype about much, but leaving established relationships is one area I feel it is fair to do so, as the anecdotal evidence is simply too strong to ignore.

I would never ignore the fact that men and women are different though. That’s just science.

Or you know a certain type of man because of your social circles. As I said, most men I know who have left women did so because of things related to the woman's untreated mental health issues. That's because I come from a background where mental health is very stigmatised so people do not seek help and some things are normalised, like recreational drugs use and heavy alcohol consumption as well as people having a history of trauma which makes them more likely to have personality disorders.

People leave relationships for a range of reasons. If the men you know generally leave one miserable relationship for someone else, then I'd think about why the males in my circle are so dependent on relationships and women generally and want to ensure I raise my sons' differently. I'd be aware that their father is likely one of these men and I picked him. I wouldn't be on here assuming all men must be like the ones I know.

I mean, it's certainly possible but immaterial really. Tell her to get legal advice asap.

Women leave because they've had enough. Men leave because they have a new woman and a warm bed to go to.

I cant believe that on this site of all sites, people think in this way. It is hilarious and sad.

There's a lot of bitter women on here.

Men in my circle have all (but one) stayed in their long term marriages and seem very happy. My anecdotal evidence is from acquaintances, friends of friends, people I know of where I live and socialise.
Tbf, I don’t come across a huge number of people with addictions, drug use or alcohol misuse. Some have or have had MH issues, but they are addressed (by and large). So maybe my perspective is from a fortunate place, but maybe that means that the waters are less muddied and give a clearer picture of the contrasting behaviours between men and women at the end of a relationship?
I don’t know.
I think it’s fair to say that all of our judgments are heavily impacted by our personal experiences. That’s part of the joy of MN - you get to hear lots of differing views.

And yet still true.

My exhusband left for another woman.
My friends exhusband left for their babysitter ( who he'd got pregnant) .
My BIL left my SIL for her best friend.
My next door neighbour left his wife for the woman up the road.
My walking group leader's husband had 5 prostitutes on speed dial and left her for a work colleague .
I don't know a single exhusband of any woman I know who left without there being another woman already in place.
I know several women who divorced in their 50s . All were and still are single ( and very happy about it)

Have you ever thought that has something you do with the people in your specific social circle? Like the men in your world are just like that.

My anecdotal evidence is from acquaintances, friends of friends, people I know of where I live and socialise.

So people in your subculture/demographic/social circles, then?

I don't think they are bitter, so much as they see their world as the world.

Er, yes. Like everyone on MN speaks from theirs.
I haven’t done a researched thesis on the subject, if that’s what you are asking. That’s why I called it ‘anecdotal’ evidence.

“Nothing has happened” Jesus, bet his nose grew off his face when he said that. Course it bloody has. Men really think women are so stupid don’t they 🤦🏻‍♀️

Right so you do understand that your experience of the world and the people you know aren't transferable to everyone? So surely the answer to a thread like this (the OP) should be "we can't possibly know as we know nothing about the man, or his wife, for that matter"