Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

I was present when my dad passed. It was so hard. My brother would have been unable for it and we didnt tell him until after. Even not been there made him deeply depressed had he been there I think he would have done something to hurt himself after. My uncle come and sat with me for a bit outside he couldnt go into the room which i completly understand. My aunts, another uncle and my husband were there all day and just me and my husband at the end. The living need to do whats best for them. Love someone when they are alive at the end they only need the people who want to be there there.

I wouldn’t either. I love my nephews dearly, and we’re a very close family.

But if either of them didn’t want to be around while I die, that’s fair enough.

They’re welcome if they do. But it’s not a right of passage, it’s not just part of adulthood. It’s awful. And if they decide it’s too awful for them, that’s absolutely fine by me.

I sincerely hope that no one who loves me is there to watch me die. And I sincerely hope that no one is forced to come and look at me when I am comatose and fading away because someone else thinks that is the proper thing to do.

I went to see my Mum just after she had died and 25 years later that is the first image I see in my head whenever I think of her (which is almost daily). It has ruined my memory of her.

I was present when my dad passed. It was so hard. My brother would have been unable for it and we didnt tell him until after. Even not been there made him deeply depressed had he been there I think he would have done something to hurt himself after. My uncle come and sat with me for a bit outside he couldnt go into the room which i completly understand. My aunts, another uncle and my husband were there all day and just me and my husband at the end. The living need to do whats best for them. Love someone when they are alive at the end they only need the people who want to be there there.

I was present when my dad passed. It was so hard. My brother would have been unable for it and we didnt tell him until after. Even not been there made him deeply depressed had he been there I think he would have done something to hurt himself after. My uncle come and sat with me for a bit outside he couldnt go into the room which i completly understand. My aunts, another uncle and my husband were there all day and just me and my husband at the end. The living need to do whats best for them. Love someone when they are alive at the end they only need the people who want to be there there.

TBH, I'm surprised how many people think it's OK for the nephew not to visit his dying uncle

I was with my DF when he died. Was it hard? Yes. Does it taint my memory of him when I close my eyes? Yes. Do I regret being there? Not at all. I felt it was a privilege and duty. I wouldn't / couldn't not support him just because I would find it distressing

Every family will be different so it's impossible for anyone to say. I think each situation needs to be judged on it's own merits. I'm not a fan of grief tourism, I mean where people come out of the woodwork who ordinarily wouldn't show an interest in the dying person. I wouldn't want that. But it's important that the immediate family, spouse, children, parents of the dying person have people to support them so wider friends and family might be a comfort to them. It's a tough one.

Yes, it is. You visit others in need, and you pay your respects at the end. Stop legitimising poor, selfish behaviour.

I don’t get people saying it’s a ‘duty’. It really isn’t.

It might be different if you're languishing in hospital, and folk can't be bothered visiting you to offer comfort and support.

You’d distress your own family members beyond something they feel equipped to cope with, so they could look at you whilst unconscious?

At 22 I think he's old enough to decide for himself. My Dad died in a hospice when I was 25. I had one last visit with him whilst he was still quite lucid, chatted and played him some music. I didn't go in to see him at the very end as I could hear the 'death rattle' breathing from outside the room and I don't think my Dad would have wanted me to see / remember him like that. My brother who lives abroad, didn't visit him in the last couple of years of his life, just came for the funeral. We all handle terminal illness and death in our own ways.

Judging by that total lack of empathy, I’m glad you won’t be visiting me on my death bed.

It really isn't.

it leaves a lasting impression seeing someone you love suffering and uncomfortable, in pain, and thankfully unaware of what's happening to them.

i was there because my mum needed me there but I honestly wish I could get these images out of my head. That wasn't my aunt.

in the end, my mum was exhausted and the care home staff told her to go home. And my aunt died a couple of hours later. She wasn't alone as care home staff sat with her, but not surrounded by loved ones either.

its a personal thing to go sit at the bedside of someone who is dying. And if they are unconscious and unaware people are there it's not for their benefit. I would never judge anyone who chose not to. You never know what else is going on in their life etc

The death rattle is absolutely awful. I can still hear it in my head when I think of my aunt.

Leave your nephew alone
His decision

@FenderStrat
I'm so sorry you are losing your brother to this horrible illness. I lost my husband the same way, he was 50.

I haven't read everyone's answers and know some have been good and some not so good.

I had a lot of people visit my husband in his last days which were at home. But then they disappeared apart from a few. I also filled the church even to using the upstairs gallery yet so many people never came to see me again and many of them had not bothered with him during the 12 years he was unwell (initially grade 2 tumour which transformed to grade 4)

Some friends weren't around much at the time but they became the best afterwards and I probably appreciated those more than those who came at the time.
One friend brought me a whole load of cook meals and sent me a lovely gift voucher to use on what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary later that year.

My son and daughter were 17 and 19 when he died and my son is still, 13 years later quite traumatised by watching his father die. It may be that at 22 he is scared and 22 is still emotionally young.

Someone mentioned up thread that the nephew could come into his own with different kinds of support in the future.

What I'm saying OP is that I really feel your pain and fully know what you are going through but save your energy for yourself and don't get overinvested in what the nephew is or isn't doing. The effects of your brother's illness will go on for a long time. Don't let yourself be eaten up with resentment.

Wishing you a whole load of support

How is it selfish to not visit someone who doesn't know that you're visiting? I don't even know what you mean by 'pay your respects' as that depends on the culture you live in. It's better to behave according to reason and the circumstances than to blindly follow what other people say you 'should' do.

I’m so sorry about your brother. It’s an awful time for you all. Don’t take it to mean that your nephew doesn’t care. Those last few days in a hospice are pretty traumatic for everyone involved, and if your brother is genuinely past the point of knowing who’s there I think it’s understandable for your nephew to decide he can’t face it. My heart goes out to you.

Your focus can be on visiting your brother and I would not judge others if they decide not to do so. There’s no benefit from distressing your nephew further - he will already be grieving his uncle.

My beloved brother dying in hospital

and I’m pissed off with my 22 year old nephew not wanting to visit his uncle who is completely unaware of surroundings (absolutely zero clue to how close they are / were from the op, which would indicate… not very close) ?

No, would never happen

Presumably one of his parents is your sibling OP? I’m guessing you and this sibling aren’t best buddies

Your father is rather different. Most people have a fairly close relationship with their own father. Many people barely see their uncles and have little or no real relationship with them. I wouldn't feel a need to visit my dying uncle and don't think any of my cousins came to see my mother in the hospice (which was absolutely fine, we have a perfectly good relationship with them, then sent supportive notes and came to the funeral)

Yes that's a fair point. If OP's DB had children, yes I'd agree I'd expect them to visit, not necessarily nephews

But I feel nieces and nephews should step up more when there are no children