Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

Yes but despite being in the middle of losing her brother to a brain tumour, this OP decided to starts an AIBU thread bitching about her 22 year old nephew not wishing to visit his unconscious uncle, and providing scant detail about the relationship between the two. Just that he SHOULD visit because… well, he just SHOULD.

So given the OP started the AIBU thread, I reckon a poster saying hell yes you’re being AIBU is completely reasonable

Yes that’s the other thing…. The OP has no idea what this 22 yr old is going through himself. What if he is depressed amor suffering a mental health illness that means visiting an unconscious uncle in a hospice may do him no good at all, and his parents know that

In this case OP says her brother wouldn't be aware of the DN's presence

But generally yes I agree with you. Sometimes we should do things that make us feel uncomfortable, out of duty to support other people

I'm really not as surprised as I should be with this. After all, we're raising teenagers and twenty somethings that are frightened of speaking on the phone.

Bit different to death though, isn’t it.

It's always all about them and their feelings, though, isn't it?

Have you got any teens or young adults @LoyalMember ?

Yes, a stepdaughter of 29 who was a constant visitor at her gran's side when she was in the hospice with Stage 4 Cancer until she sadly died in June as was her 19 year old cousin. They wanted to be there, and they saw it as their duty.

I had two close relatives refuse to visit my Dad when he was dying as it was too upsetting for them. This wasn't when he was unconscious, or in his last few days. This was when he was still up and capable of conversation.

Funnily enough, I haven't spoken to those two relatives since his funeral.

I would rather have a nephew who couldn’t handle being there, than the ones who can’t be bothered about you then turn up carrying on , because it’s the done thing

Some amount of mental gymnastics and turd polishing being done here to try and excuse not seeing close relatives at their last moments. Quite impressive, if truth be told, but morally reprehensible.

You are a man on mumsnet without kids who goes around spouting criticism of any poster that has a different opinion to you

And what was their relationship like with your father when he wasn’t sick?

So you're another who can't be arsed visiting sick relatives either, then? Just say it plainly, then, and don't beat about the bush.

ps, I have a stepdaughter, and I've been in her life for 18 years. Does that not count?

We are raising a nation of man children.
No doubt this specimen is still living at home as a grown man. No wonder the population is collapsing.

Specimen. Wow.

He’s a 22 year old man, exercising his preference to not see someone at the end of their life.

Afraid to speak on the phone or learn to drive a car. It doesn't help that they are helicopter parented into their 40's.

Uncaring and selfish. Don't forget that.

@FenderStrat - we went through this with our dses when my MIL was on end of life car in the hospice. Our dses were 18, 20 and 22, so we talked to each of them, to see if they wanted to go with me to visit her (we lived in Scotland and she was in Hampshire, so it was a major trip). The two older ones decided to go, and I know they value that memory, but the 18 year old chose not to go, prefer I g to remember his grandmother the way she had been the last time she visited us, and he is sure he made the right decision for him.

The difference to your situation is that dh and I talked to all three boys and then respected their choice, whereas it sounds as if your nephew’s parents have made the choice for him. I could understand that if he was a pre-teen, but I think that teenagers and adults should be given the respect of being allowed to make the decision for themselves. In years to come he may resent having the decision taken away from him.

His uncle will not know he’s there.

Also maybe, he doesn’t feel able to go because he cares. If he didn’t care, he’d turn up and do a crossword while the man faded way.

You’re assuming he doesn’t care, based on nothing.

Are you? Why are you doing that? I’m not raising young people like that.

'....because he cares...'

😆

I see this thread has gone the way of so many on Mumsnet, but if you are still here OP, just to say that I would be deeply unimpressed with my nephew if I was in your position. The UK has quite a death-phobic culture and many of us can't seem to accept that death is a normal, tho sad of course, part of life. He's not a kid, he's a grown man.

However, you should take comfort in the fact that your brother won't know whether his nephew is there, and not dedicate emotional energy to any annoyance at your nephew for this fact alone. Direct your energy to you and your brother. I am sorry for you and your brother, take care.

This has nothing to do with you. Stay out of it and keep quiet. You don’t get an opinion or a vote in how others feel or choose to handle this situation.

@EdgyCrab - as I said earlier, I have been in this position, and one of my three sons decided he didn’t want to visit his much loved grandmother in the hospice. I can assure you that I do not think what he did was shameful or heartless, and I know my lovely MIL agreed with me, because she said so during the visit with me and the older two boys.

Also, my understanding of the OP is that the nephew’s parents have made the decision for him, in which case it would be unfair to condemn him for the decision.