Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

There is no “should” about it as dependent entirely on the individual’s relationship with relative in question

I lost multiple members of my family as an older teen and young adult (including an uncle to a brain tumour when I was 15) and was honestly deeply traumatized by the experience of seeing them so unlike themselves. My family expected me to visit them, I wasn't given an option not to, and they made no attempt to help me process the experience. If this boy (because 22 is still a boy) doesn't want to go, he should not be pressured by you or anyone else

So nieces/nephews are being expected to do more because the person does not have DCs of their own? This seems incredibly unfair on them and visiting should be entirely based on how close they were and if the person is up to it.

It is different to non estranged adult DCs.

Who made you the decider of what people should do? He is a grown adult and capable of making his own decisions.
as his parents have explained to you, you should respect that.

YABU.

Nice one @HerecomesMargo , to an OP who is in the middle of losing her brother to a brain tumour, and has already, had you bothered to check the OP’s posts, already acknowledged that different views have helped her change perspective.

Nonsense

It is nothing to do with you

I think it’s fine to avoid situations you find traumatic.

None of my cousins visited my mother after she went into a care home (she had dementia). When their mum moved into sheltered accommodation near me I made the effort to visit her.

This, my DM is in a care home. My adult children have not been to see her since she has deteriorated. Even I find it very hard but I do not expect them to go as I really don't want them to see her like she is now. She was the life and soul of the party before. She is now like an empty shell. I want them to remember how she was.

So many on the thread are saying this.

I don’t understand it: why can you not hold both memories? Death is part of life. There is nothing inherently ugly about it. I do not say that in ignorance.

I would hope that your DM made her wishes known and that they are being abided by. That is by far the most important thing. But I am glad to come from a culture that is more robust in this respect.

That was your prerogative
That was their prerogative
no right. No wrong.

I can’t imagine that anyone dying would want their 22 year old nephew to sit by their bedside and watch them suffer in silence.

I know I wouldn’t. I would want anyone to feel that they need to do anything they don’t feel comfortable

Exactly. The last thing I want when I’m dying, in my most vulnerable moments, is for people to come and sit by me out of some bizarre sense of duty.

Having witnessed a “bad death,” in that there are good and bad ones, sometimes they definitely are ugly.

Had I not been one of the two people there, the other being my absolutely distraught sister, I’d have left the room. Absolutely no questions asked.

And I’d feel sad to know my sister was by my bedside judging anyone, let alone my 22 year old nephew who may never have even attended a funeral before, for not doing so

It's very difficult to hold onto the memories of the person they were when the overriding memory is watching them die a slow agonising death. The person they were isn't in that room.

my gran deteriorated very quickly and was unconscious for 3 days before passing peacefully. That was a very different experience than watching my aunt deteriorating slowly over a number of months. Knowing she was in pain although unconscious. Knowing that every time someone touched her it hurt her. That wasn't a peaceful death, and was traumatic to watch

Know and love them in life, support and be there for them in death. It's not much to ask is it?

The dying person hasn’t asked, though, as far as we know, and the OP says he’d have no idea that his nephew was there. Personally I wouldn’t want my nieces and nephews seeing me at my most vulnerable time. In fact this thread has inspired me to request that only my very nearest and dearest be allowed to see me if I’m ever in this situation.

Tbh if DB is unaware and DN feels scared or uncomfortable I don't see why it matters that he isnt going. If its hard for DN and doesnt make a difference for DB I think just let it go.

I do think it needs to be DNs choice not something his parents decide for him. Same as I dont think its your decision, as to how DN should respond. Saying you know what DB would want, you dont. DB doesnt know what he wants. I cant see DB ever thinking, hed want DN at his bedside even when it was difficult for DN, even when he wouldnt know. I certainly wouldnt want my niece to do that if I wasn't able to even be grateful for her company.

Soft YABU

No it isn't, not at all.

It's no wonder we have a mental health epidemic when no one is expected to be responsible, to do the difficult thing. To face the unpalatable, the unpleasant even the horrifying. To understand one's duty to family, friends and society. To accept that sometimes there is a greater good that comes before personal comfort.

Those things are what give us grit and you can never truly appreciate the light if you haven't experienced the dark.

Do it for who, though? The OP says her brother won’t know the nephew is there. So whose ‘greater good’ is it for?

Those things are what give us grit and you can never truly appreciate the light if you haven't experienced the dark

So he should do it purely to give himself grit and so he can ‘appreciate the light’? Wouldn’t that be a pretty selfish reason? It would only be for his own benefit.

Ds is 23 and if he found it distressing (wouldn’t be now but a few years ago he was going through some mh issues at Uni) I 100% would tell him not to go. My mother died of a brain tumor and it was horrific for all involved.