Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

I’m with you on this,OP. The self centredness of some people is unbelievable.

I had a close friend who I visited the night before she died and feel very happy that I did. My mum and dad both died alone, although their passing didn’t seem imminent so impossible to plan. I really wouldn’t find it important whether he goes or not, let him make his choice but make sure he knows he can change his mind and would be welcome if he does.

Why is it any of your business? Get off your phone and spend time your dying brother.

Often to support those relatives who were with them

However many people you have round your death bed you do that journey alone

Your nephew is allowed to make decisions. It’s nothing to do with you or anyone else.

As an adult I would probably put my own personal feelings of awkwardness aside and visit. It wouldn't be about me , it would be about the person who is dying. Because however I felt, wouldn't even be comparable to how sad and distressing that dying person would be feeling :( however if your brother is not aware of visitors , then I guess it's nephews choice.

Hospices are not wonderful places. The staff are compassionate, yes thats their job.

Its not wonderful to watch someone who's life is ending.

The OP says that in this situation, the hospice patient doesn't have the cognitive function to know whether his nephew visits or not. So the person who is dying won't have any feelings about this at all.

I also think that most people who really are in the very last days of their life are very much focused on their partner and kids, if they're conscious enough to be aware of things at all, and are not keeping a tally of which extended family members have been to their bedside.

This post is spot on. If your uncle is unaware of who is visiting then I agree with the nephew doing what he wants. I think you are being very unfair to be critical of him. In difficult times everyone needs to be as generous and mindful of other people as they can. It’s not the time to judge people. There are lots of things that people do when people are dying and after people die that are based on tradition but times change and more people are comfortable working out what they and their families actually want.

When my Dad was dying in hospital he didn’t want many people to visit, just me and my brother. You might not understand it but my Mum (his wife) didn’t visit and that was what my Dad wanted too. People were surprised and questioned it but, luckily, my Mum and Dad both knew they were doing the right thing. I know it was the right thing too. We’ve never regretted it.

I am so sorry for what your family is going through, OP.

As an academic I am very concerned about the fragility of many in this young man’s generation. They’ve had some bad breaks. And yet …..

For the parents to offer this rationale is not impressive. Whether to visit is DN’s choice, and he may not be able to bear it. That’s fine. But he should own the decision.

I do have the impression that some YP could do a lot more than they realise if they were willing to push beyond their comfort zones. And would be happier for it. Whether this is such an opportunity is not clear.

Like PP I have always understood that touch and hearing are the last senses to go. Like other PP I don’t think the British have integrated the rituals of death into the practise of life as well as some other European cultures, and would generally benefit from less squeamishness towards the dying.

(Viewing the body is a different matter IMO - obviously that is of no practical value; although I don’t mind it and see it as respectful, I would never urge anyone to ‘step up)

Take care

It's not really any of your business. Keep out of it.

Making someone visit a terminally ill relative when they don’t want to is beyond cruel. Whether you’re 22 or 52 it’s a lot to cope with. He’s only 22 and probably has no idea what to say. He’s also only a nephew, not a son.

Thank you to all those who have responded.

A great many of you have made thoughtful and intelligent posts that have made me think.

A few have been unforgivably rude; I was expecting that!

I do have one point to make. I do disagree with those saying that there is no point as my brother will not be aware. I do still feel there would be value in the family coming together to support his wife and show they care.

Lots of people here being quick to tell everyone what great, kind people they are for their death bed visits.

But turning up at the death bed of someone who doesn't even know you are there (which the OP says is sadly the case for her brother) is very much about the feelings of the visitor, not the feelings of the dying person. It's not altruistic - it's to make the visitor feel better/less guilty, that's all, as it achieves nothing for the patient if they are oblivious of the visit.

If someone is conscious and lonely and you were close and they're asking for you, that's different of course. Go and see them if you can. But turning up for the sake of turning up to look at someone who doesn't know you are there while they're dying, is really just so you can have your own closure or tell yourself that you're a good person for doing your 'duty'.

Also, bear in mind that not everyone actually wants visitors when they're dying. Plenty of people (both my grandfathers, for example) actively want to be left alone with their thoughts. My grandads were both lovely, kind, family men who adored us all, but when they were dying, they were quite clear on just wanting to be left alone with their own thoughts. Of course, some people are frightened and want family around them - but not everyone does.

fair comment but we only know what the parents have said......

But turning up at the death bed of someone who doesn't even know you are there (which the OP says is sadly the case for her brother) is very much about the feelings of the visitor.

But you don't know what he is aware of and not aware of. Even if he isn't aware of who is around and what is going on, hearing and touch are the last senses to go. A few words and holding hands could mean more than you know.

I agree - but personally wouldn’t include all members of the family in that.

I think immediate family (wife, children, parents, siblings + relevant partners) is enough. We wouldn’t ordinarily extend that expectation to those outside of that.

That might be because I’ve got 24 cousins, so if we all turned up at the beside of our dying aunts or uncles we’d be taking over a hospital.

I also think you can support without having to witness it, if you don’t want to. When it comes to my mums time, I know for almost a certainty my brother’s visits and involvement will be minimal. He’s not equipped for that level of difficulty. Genuinely. And none of us would drag him into the room.

Your nephew is respecting his parents' wishes on this issue. Maybe you could try that.

My dad's brother refused to visit my dad when he was in a care home getting sicker and sicker because he found it too distressing. I'm not sure how he thought my mum and the rest of us could cope with it, especially my mum who visited twice a week. (She would have visited more often but it was an hour's drive each way). My uncle also did not come to my dad's funeral due to some fairly lame excuse. I don't get it.

you don't have to get it. All you have to do is understand that people are different.

I would not be able to get past my uncle choosing not to come to see my dad and would have to ignore him from then on. People may be different but they still have to take the consequences of their behaviour.

your choice.

I chose not to see my dad after he had deteriorated drastically. I have never once regretted it, and I know he would not have expected it.

I had seen him the day before and that was how I wanted to remember him. He had a stroke an hour or so after I left and the hospital said he was unconscious and it was only a matter of hours before he died.

My sister was the opposite, she wanted to be there with him and she has never (as far as I know) regretted it.

It's not been a matter of contention between us.

I do have one point to make. I do disagree with those saying that there is no point as my brother will not be aware. I do still feel there would be value in the family coming together to support his wife and show they care.

Unfortunately, you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do.

Everyone deals with grief differently. You need to respect and accept that.

People can show they care in many different ways.

Kindly, right now is not about you and what you think “is best for the family”.