To feel resentment that my parents are so well off

[Lissm]

I know I will get flamed for this...
My parents are in their early 70s. My father worked in a factory in a low skilled job and was made redundant when he was 56, and retired on a full pension. My mother worked on and off as a cashier and stopped working at 57.

They have a house which must be worth close to £800k, purchased for £40k, and £200k+ in savings and investments. They are able to save at least £1k each month.

We have worked just as hard as they have but we will never have their sort of financial security. We have 6 months of savings and that's it.

I feel so angry that this has happened - not at them but at the situation.

I thought every subsequent generation would at least enjoy the same standard of living. I dread to think what is going to happen to my children.

Yanbu to be jealous that they've been able to do that and you haven't despite the same work being put in. When they was building their lives and their future it was a very different time financially so they had the chance to build so much from so little and to be fair the fruits of their work, assuming you have a good relationship with them will likely come back to you so alls not lost and you are very fortunate in that instance not everyone has parents that have built something even if they had chance to.

Mate, even homeless people have smartphones. What are you talking about?

And holidays abroad have become an essential for millions, when not that long ago they were a luxury only few could afford.

The increase in housing prices changed everything. It’s doesn’t really matter to most elderly people how much their house is worth once it’s paid off and their living situation is secure. It isnt even something they feel will benefit the next generation because it could get swallowed up in care costs. And in many cases, people who do inherit their family home can’t keep it because they can’t afford to pay the inheritance tax. Meanwhile the youngest adults can’t afford to get a toe hold on the property ladder at all.

It benefits no one but the bankers.

Maybe a lot of we awful boomers didn't have many holidays, rarely ate out, didn't have the opportunity to spend on the newest tech, didn't change cars every couple of years, didn't spend as much on clothes, didn't have a £4 coffee wedged in our hands, the list is endless. I know how difficult it can be for families t

But boomers did holiday in the UK & abroad when cheap flights came in during the 90s. You couldn't spend as much on tech as it didn't exist! The boomer generation always went to the pub & spent far more on alcohol then todays generation.

It's cheaper to go to Spain than Cornwall these days...

If only they were poor to make you feel better. Life is so unfair.

I completely understand the disparity in housing prices but even so to retire at 56 and 57 from low skilled jobs I’m surprised their pensions and investments have sustained them for getting on for 20 years of retirement. Did they also inherit?

When you get older, no childcare, no mortgage. House value rises, suddenly you’re well off. I am but I struggled massively when I had a young family.

This is the difference though, today's young aren't suddenly going to be well off when they get to 60.

We literally watched a BBC Archives youtube video yesterday about different families in 1969 living on the average wage. Eye opening for our children to see what constituted a "kitchen" back then. They had saver, those that bought on credit and went on holiday abroad and a family who lived with her Mother. Interesting to see prices and wages.

I remember my Mum when she was selling her house saying I feel like I am practically giving it away. I did say honestly Mum you bought it for £4k in 1978 and are selling it for £225k in 2005 I think you did well off it. They were downsizing from a 3 bed detached but they had worked their way up to that on average wage jobs. But they married young (my Mum was a teenager) and they had children earlier because of this.

I think house prices are the thing that have shafted a lot of people. We bought our first house in the late 90s for 3 times Dh's salary and 1 x mine as his salary was slightly higher. The government is more than happy that it takes 2 wages to buy a house as the stamp duty fills the pot as does the income tax of the 2 earners too.

This is a very typical scenario these days. I think human life improved generation to generation, certainly in recent history and suddenly it's changed. I am happy now but for many years I lived in a tiny terraced dark house with 3 kids continually trying to move, my Dad lives alone in a 5 bed house with 3 reception rooms and a garden big enough for a few more houses. He has some rooms closed off. Similarly my ILs have a second dining room and sitting room closed off that they open for Christmas only. I was really upset every time we left either house and found myself getting resentful. I forget sometimes that I had the luck of my own bedroom and a huge house when I grew up, I benefited from it in reverse. Also my parents never had the mod cons or conveniences we have now, they shared a car until retirement so one had to walk everywhere, my Mum left school young to work in a family business and no one cared if she enjoyed it they were extremely controlling too. My Dad was raised in a very harsh Irish Catholic boarding school where physical punishment was the norm. My mum never had the pleasure of an epidural, my Dad had all his teeth pulled in his 20s. And a million other moments of suffering that I never had. I try to look at the bigger picture and when I do I realise I was coddled and spoilt in a way they must surely resent on some level, but they never showed it. But yes OP YANBU to feel the stab of jealousy but try to rise above it and see your life as a whole v their lives

Most of us will still be paying mortgages or private rents at 60. 25 year mortgages are no longer the norm.

They fixate on housing costs because the average house now costs 8 X the average wage - or 10 X the full time minimum wage, rather than the 3 X one average wage in the 70s. How may £4 coffees do you think some one can give up to find an extra 5x their salary for a house?

I know what you mean. I don’t feel resentful of my parents as they did work hard and everything they did was to give me and my sibling a better quality of life and education than they had, and they are still generous.

But people who now do the jobs they did could in no way afford the house and lifestyle my parents had. Also bought a house for £40k and even taking into account inflation the value has rocketed. Families on professional salaries would struggle to afford it. My dad who only started paying into a pension in his 40s gets more than I likely will despite paying into one since I was 22.

I don’t resent them at all but the set up that led to all this and no one ever seemingly seeing that we’d never be able to afford all this as a country in years to come

Boomers like this don't get it. I have boomer in laws that wonder why our house is so small and why we don't send our kids to private school!

Being in my 'mum of young kids years' I think it's really sad that both parents need to work full time just to make rent / pay bills / mortgage.

We feel lucky even though we have a small house, it's ours at least.

I don't resent them but I feel that it's a reflection on our governments, things should have gotten better over the years, not more difficult.

For those saying that the boomers' lifestyle was unsustainable, I'd point out that the proportion of the population in full time employment is actually a few percentage points higher now than it was 50 years ago, while GDP per capita is more than double (in real terms not just nominal). So we should be richer than our parents - if we aren't, that's a political issue.

I'm not sure whether the boomers are am unusually selfish generation. On balance I think yes, but with caveats. They did vote for policies that benefitted themselves at the expense of the next generation, although it's unclear how knowing they were about this. They also had pretty messy personal lives and were more likely to privilege their relationship and emotional needs over their children's, versus other generations . However, the unusual circumstances of them being wealthier than their kids has probably exposed a lot of selfishness that would have been masked in previous generations, when parents simply had nothing to give. My grandparents didn't refuse to share their wealth with their kids - but that's primarily because they didn't have any. Parent nowadays gets to choose, and the result is that their children get to see who they really are.

@Lissm I think resentment is too strong a word, but I understand where you are coming from.

My parents were born in the thirties. My dad had a modest job and I know earned less than 20k when he retired on a full pension in the early nineties which still gave them a comfortable retirement, and my mum only ever worked part time as a shop assistant. However, they bought their house in the sixties for 1,100 quid which it is now worth well over 100 times that, with no mortgage obviously. Due to careful saving and a few investments (BT and British Gas shares etc) they also had savings at retirement of around 200k. They seem to have accumulated a huge amount of wealth, relatively speaking, given a very modest starting point. Nobody ever helped them and there was no inherited money.

Do I resent them this success? Not at all.

However.......

I only ever once asked my parents for a couple of thousand quid to help me out of debt when I was in my twenties. They did this, but my mum insisted that before they did I set up a direct debit to make sure they were paid back every last penny. And the first month the DD did not arrive (because the loan was paid off in full) she rang me to check it wasn't a mistake.

I didn't receive a penny when my dad passed away as everything went to my mum, which I agree with. However, she is now in a care home that will over time take away everything my dad earned, which does rankle with me a little, as I know he always thought he was building a nest egg to leave to his kids and grandkids. Especially when my mum (now in early stage dementia) insists that we are stealing money from her bank account when it is actually her care home fees coming out every month.

The one thing that does frustrate me is that my sister passed away recently without leaving a husband or children. She had always told me and my sister that she wanted her money to go to our kids (her nephews and neices) when she died, but as she was fairly young she never left a will. Her death was unexpected. So her money, including her mortgage-free house, will now go straight to add to my mum's pot of wealth, that will also be sucked into care-home fees with nothing left for our kids to see.

My mum does not see this as unreasonable, so any thought of varying the will to leave the house to her grandkids is rejected immediately, even though the money will end in the pockets of the care home so she will never benefit from it. It's her money and she isn't dead yet. Which I do agree with. But still...........

I am conflicted.

Inheritance tax doesn’t kick in until £1m or so for OP’s parents. And why does she have every right t feel resentful ? Boomers did nothing more than be born into a time when there was a relatively stable economy and managed to prosper from that. We were very lucky to have had that and most recognise it. We also paved the way for a lot of the securities you lot take for granted today, but it’s not cool to admit that. Unfortunately on MN what was earned during that time isn’t to be enjoyed - we should all be self flagellating and prostrate with guilt at having had it so good.

you cant blame your parents. Mine live like they dont have a pot to piss in yet have over £800k in assests & savings, they get by on £600 a month as both retired early and their parents are due to give them both large inheritances too. It is what it is, was a totally different time when they were working/young. The housing market is what helped them, brought a 60k house sold it for £180k, then brought the next for £200k and sold it for £460k.. wont tell you how much their current house is valued at. 😆

Honestly, do younger adults think that older people were born with the trappings of wealth? They see retired people and think they’ve always had that standard of living.

You seem to forget than in 30-40 years time, your houses will be worth a lot too. You’ll be retiring on a private pension too. You will have a lot more spare cash once the children are grown. It takes a LIFETIME to build it up.

My parents had fuck all. I bought my mum a house. I won’t inherit a penny. If she doesn’t end up needing care I might get back what I’ve spent. If she does, I’ll lose the lot but at least she’ll have a half decent chance of a half decent care home.

I would LOVE for her to be comfortable in her old age. It really knocks me sick to hear people begrudging their parents. My DCs no doubt have the same attitude towards DH and I. We always get “It’s alright for you with your big house”. They seem to overlook the following:

a) we worked 80 hours a week for years for what we have. They complain if they have to work through their lunch occasionally.

b) the homes they live in now in their twenties are far superior to ours at their age. They seem to think walk-in wardrobes and a wine fridge are a necessity. I didn’t go abroad until I was 30, and I was nearly 40 when I could finally afford my first new fitted kitchen.

c) we weren’t gifted an expensive house. We bought our current house 4 years ago and it hasn’t appreciated in value in that time. We didn’t all buy a house for tuppence ha’penny in 1862 that’s now worth millions.

I honestly think that we have tried so hard to give our children a life that we never had as children, that they have come to expect it as a right. They never appreciate that they were so lucky to have wonderful childhoods with foreign holidays, wardrobes of clothes, toys, gadgets, plentiful food and activities. Their parents would never have enjoyed such trappings at the same age. Let them enjoy it now.

Gosh it must be at least a week since we had a ‘bash the boomers’ thread. I mean, I don’t know about other boomers but personally I was responsible for the global economy over the past 50 years so realise this generational divide is entirely my fault.

Firstly OP, you should be happy that your parents are not struggling, living on pension credit, or asking you for handouts. Many are.

Secondly, if your children are worse off than you, I hope you’ll be happy when they’re posting spiteful threats about your privilege. And resenting you for an economy you had no control over.

I believe that 53% of first time buyers in 2024 had help from the Bank of Mum and Dad suggesting that most Boomers are not hoarding their wealth but passing it down to the next generation. I know we are and also passing money down to our grandchildren whilst we can to avoid care home fees and IHT.

We got nothing from our parents - council house renters until the day they all died. You are much more likely to benefit from inheriting that ‘boomer’ wealth so I’d resent it a bit less.

Not that I can think of anyone I know going to a concert recently anyway but...

... it's a drop in the ocean compared to housing costs.

I think some older people manage to entirely misunderstand the cost of housing today vs wages. It is very bizarre.

I'm guessing because they bought it in 1975.

Better they can afford care should they need it. Then you won't be called upon.
Imo thats worth much more..

Like most things you don't understand how hard it is until you have lived the experience.

The governments job is to ensure quality housing for all. If it's job isn't to ensure basic living standards what is it there for ?

Instead since about 1992 successive governments have just allowed house prices to spiral out of control, while not building adequate affordable housing for people to live in and raise a family. We've also basically moved away from good council housing/social housing provision, while simultaneously importing large numbers of people who now compete for inadequate resources.

And people wonder why some people are annoyed and frustrated with this situation.

Some people have benefited hugely through the inflation of property prices free of any tax. Yet now the government is proposing enhanced property taxation there are a huge amount of complaints from the very people that have benefited from this situation the most.

I'm not sure where this ends up. But as a government you can't erode peoples living standards indefinitely and expect not to pay a price for that.

The government can't really up taxes on working income more. So we reach a point where they can either squeeze spending to the bone, or tax unearned income like house price gains. It will be interesting to see which of these options they choose.

Yes but the reason travelling abroad became more widespread is because it became cheaper.

People did still have holidays before that.

I think a week in Spain is probably cheaper than a week in Cornwall nowadays.