To feel resentment that my parents are so well off

[Lissm]

I know I will get flamed for this...
My parents are in their early 70s. My father worked in a factory in a low skilled job and was made redundant when he was 56, and retired on a full pension. My mother worked on and off as a cashier and stopped working at 57.

They have a house which must be worth close to £800k, purchased for £40k, and £200k+ in savings and investments. They are able to save at least £1k each month.

We have worked just as hard as they have but we will never have their sort of financial security. We have 6 months of savings and that's it.

I feel so angry that this has happened - not at them but at the situation.

I thought every subsequent generation would at least enjoy the same standard of living. I dread to think what is going to happen to my children.

I feel you have every right to feel resentful. It was easy to get a council house if you couldn’t afford to buy. My in laws 1st home (a 3 bedroom semi in an expensive South East village) bought with only one wage and had 2 very young children. That wouldn’t happen today. It’s so expensive to buy and sell houses. If I were your parents I would b3 giving you £1k per month. Your parents will b3 liable to inheritance tax saving at that rate per month.

I had to bail my mother out when my dad died in his 60s with a huge amount of debt which far exceeded the value of their assets. I have supported her for 25 years at vast expense, both financial and psychological. So no I don’t identify with your feelings op and I admire the fact that your parents worked hard, lived carefully and provided well for themselves and presumably their children.

I always wonder why people assume that it's all ok because someone is going to inherit their parent's "fortune". They might not. The whole thing might be sucked off in care fees. If 2 of them were in a decent care home they might be paying £5k a week so that million quid (home & savings) might last a mere 4 years max.

And as for giving some of the money to their kids (or anyone else for that matter) then the kids would be responsible to pay for the parent's care (deprivation of assets) or the estate would shrink due to inheritance tax that would be applied on the gifts given.

The resentment - yeah I get that. Been there, done that. Mom told me once that when she and my dad bought their first house (about £10k) they were shocked to have to pay 6% interest and thought they would be in debt forever. They weren't, and they accumulated a nice pile which they thoroughly enjoyed.

If they had gone into retirement like my parents, however - in rented accommodation (because they could never afford a mortgage) and with a paltry amount of savings left after they died - you'd be even worse off, wouldn't you?

Just be grateful they will either leave you a very good inheritance or have enough to pay for their care needs, meaning they'll get some choice about it and the taxpayer won't have to.

Let's assume OP has siblings, and her parents don't need those assets for any kind of care and don't spend any of it.

300k of their estate would go to IHT at least.

That leaves 700k, split between 3 children is 200k ish each.

Yes a large amount but a fraction of what OP's parents have.

Maybe OP will extend her kitchen, pay for two DC to go to uni, and buy a new car. That's 200k spent.

I agree OP, my ILs have a house bought for less than £100k they’ve sold for over £800k. They now have all that money in savings ‘for their retirement’, plus hundreds of thousands more. Lucky for them, but what really annoys me is that they constantly talk about how hard they worked for it. MIL didn’t work until DCs were in secondary school and then only part time. Both retired in mid-fifties. DH and I both work full time and who knows if we’ll ever retire. MIL looks down on me for working as she stayed at home.

I'm a late demographic boomer, and I don't apologise for living very comfortably today. We bought our first apartment in Madrid for 200,000 pesetas, roughly 5,000 pounds with an 18% loan repayment rate. Our wages were low and saving money to reduce the loan meant not having extras like buying deodorant, which I did without for 3 years.

We didn't go on holidays, mostly we worked or spent them at home with cheap day trips for the kids. Fortunately, we lived in a time without paying for smartphones, stream/digital TV, abroad holidays or the extras we've become accustomed today. Every bit of the "wealth" we have, we've earned in spades.

The world has changed, the economy is getting worse for the younger generations in most countries and will be even worse for your grandkids.

I absolutely agree with this. Lives were much less materialistic, and things were purchased, and used til they fell to bits, or passed on to be used by other family members. For example houses/rooms were decorated and they stayed unchanged for years, decorating to match the season and going on seasonal shopping sprees (apart from Xmas) would have been unthinkable. Eating out or even just takeaways were seen as a rare treat. Cars were seen as a utility not a status symbol, and as PP said it was very rare that there was more than 1 per household. A far higher percentage of women were stay at home mums, who had time to cook daily on a budget, and meant childcare bills were non existent. A night out was more than usually a few drinks and a couple of packets of peanuts down the local, not a full new outfit, Ubers, expensive cocktails, club entrance fees etc.
It is a very different world we live in now, with far more ways that we spend our money, ways that just didnt exist when our parents were in their working years.

I think it’s a combination of soaring house prices and their final salary pensions.

DM always tells me that she paid into her teacher’s pension all of her life. And she did, but not nearly as much as she would have to have paid in to generate her level of income in the current system. I used a work annuity calculator a few years ago and she would have had to have a pot of £1m to get that income.

Thirty years ago I bought my first flat in Twickenham on my own. DH and I couldn’t afford to buy it now with our joint income.

So for our DC it’s a double whammy.

Maybe a lot of we awful boomers didn't have many holidays, rarely ate out, didn't have the opportunity to spend on the newest tech, didn't change cars every couple of years, didn't spend as much on clothes, didn't have a £4 coffee wedged in our hands, the list is endless. I know how difficult it can be for families today, especially with the housing situation, the expectations now are far beyond what we had so it's not as basic as many like to think.

Both jobs had reasonable pay - factory work had great pay due to TUs. 3xhighest salary + 1xlowest. 100% mortgage over 25 years.

We are mid 60s and very well off. If our DC were to express the level of resentment you have @Lissm , they will find the local cat rescue the recipient of their inheritance.

They have had so much love and support, as I am sure you have too. Do your parents know how you feel?

No, of course not, all that activism, protesting, paving the way for equal pay, maternity and other rights and pay etc. No legacy at all. We weren’t as materialistic, didn’t expect at least two holidays a year, didn’t throw things away until they were literally knackered, and didn’t waste money on junk food and expensive coffees.

Oh come off it. Loads of families don't have smartphones or holidays abroad today.

We spend about 2k a year on holidays and streaming services, max. We could probably shave another grand a year off our grocery bill if we really cut right down to basics. 3k a year is not going to be a life changing amount of money.

You should be relieved that they have enough to fund a decent level of care, should they need it, in years to come.

Well, I’m in my mid sixties and nowhere near as comfortably off as OP’s parents, but whatever I have, I will be as generous as I can with my children and grandchildren as that is what I want to do.
So I sympathise OP, I really do.

You can’t blame your parents. As long as they are kind, generous and supportive of you that’s the best you can hope for. No doubt you’ll inherit. My understanding is only 11% of people end up in care homes, so good chance it won’t be eaten up in extortionate fees.

Your children will benefit from whatever share of that million pound inheritance you’ll get one day.

Jeez I haven’t got a pot to piss in and will not really benefit from any inheritance. I could cry for my kids who will be unlikely to ever get on the housing ladder.

Everyone I know is well off, or going to be, from inheritances. Including you op.

Not me unfortunately.

Have you posted about this before OP?

We do very well for ourselves, but I can’t help but be jealous of the financial situation of my parents and ILs. The pensions they have and the early retirements they were able to take and even the low financial expectations for helping children financially are just crazy in comparison to our life.

Then I look at the financial reality facing my teen’s generation and realize it is even worse for them. Even with whatever help we can give her, I don’t envy her position at all.

Why would 300k go on IHT? The threshold is a million with both parents’ nil-band rate, plus their residence nil-band rate.

Yup, this. My parents are comfortable, but know it - they feel very fortunate. It's the faux modesty that winds people up. Just admit you're the last lucky generation and enjoy it!

I don’t want to be unkind, but what’s the point in resenting them, exactly? What do you gain from that feeling?

My parents are the same: happened to exist at a short period in history where society was organised so they could work hard and do well financially in the longer term. (Strictly speaking my mother married another man who worked hard and did well.) Then house prices rose and gave them assets. None of this is anything to do with them, they just existed and worked and didn’t do anything bonkers.

There was a tricky period where they hassled me for not getting on the property ladder but they live in the arse end and I was in the SE so they didn’t really understand.

I resent them for a hundred reasons but casually living during a time of relative financial stability isn’t one of them 😵‍💫

I get sick and tired of MNers who can’t read the OP. Where she explicitly says it’s not her parents, it’s the situation.

Maybe a lot of we awful boomers didn't have many holidays, rarely ate out, didn't have the opportunity to spend on the newest tech, didn't change cars every couple of years, didn't spend as much on clothes, didn't have a £4 coffee wedged in our hands, the list is endless.
Absolutely. The next generation seem to fixate on housing costs. They don't see the other numerous things that they have now that we didn't then.
And if we did have it - e.g. concert tickets - no way did we spend what they do today. I cannot believe that people pay hundreds plus ancillary costs like hotels.