To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

[loonyloo]

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

But that is not what you wrote. Your posts are all about how he should have done a thing, how your friend should have done a thing...

It seems we are getting to the nub of it now. You are upset that he didn't want to share your birthday with you in the correct manner.

Why couldn't you have gone out to dinner with him, a small celebration he might have actually enjoyed, and had your big party separately?

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

You've missed the point. If you had hosted a birthday party for yourself he likely would have come, he just didn’t want one for himself. Guess what I hate bananas, loathe them actually - their taste, their smell, their texture - and even if it was my darling mother’s dying wish that I eat a banana, I wouldn’t!

You are not joined at the hip and need to stop acting as if you are. You can have a party every year and celebrate with your friends and family, but if he doesn’t want to do so jointly then it’s entirely unreasonable to expect him to. You seem very dramatic and haven’t addressed the issue of why two separate friends have called you out on your behaviour and you have done nothing about it other than to insinuate that they are mean girls.

You are not a horrible person and the responses here are harsh but he didn't let you down or embarrass you you did that to yourself. he expressed his wishes you ignored them it was his perogative to do exactly as he said he would which is not come.

You are separate people. If you want a party, you have a party, if he doesn't want a party, he doesn't have a party. Why are you doing what he wants every year?

You can have your own party whether he's there or not.

So no, he doesn't get 'his' way

If your cake says Happy Birthday Loony, and so do your banners, then it's all about you, not him

You are both too old to be joined at the hip. You have the birthday you want. And so does he

Then celebrate with those that want to!

The rest of your family and your friends

Just leave him to grump happily in the corner

PLEASE LISTEN!

That’s not what people are calling you a cunt for. It’s because you want to celebrate your birthday with your twin, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to and has told you so very clearly, and yet you still went ahead with your plans. You’ve now made him look like a complete twat to his friends because you invited them and neglected to tell them that he had declined the invitation - so they feel slighted because he didn’t turn up.

No OP, you are not the nice kind person you think yourself to be. Your friend tried to tell you that - she told you that people don’t see you that way and you’re noted for always wanting your own way. Time to face up to the fact that you are self centred and overbearing. And you’re not ‘defending yourself’ because your behaviour is indefensible. You’re doubling down and proving that people are right about you because after 23 pages of the best objective advice you’re ever likely to get, you’re still not listening and that just reinforces it. You are not the victim here, but don’t let that stop you from acting like one.

So he doesn't want to do anything, and you do. What on earth is the problem here?!

You don't have to do what he wants.

And he does not have to do what you want.

OP, I am not writing this hoping that you suddenly understand (from your posts, i don't get that impression).

I can't believe you are calling this a pile on. When people do not agree with you, you suddenly become a victim.

Sincerely, I wish you all the best in life. Looking forward to more fascinating posts from you.

But he doesn't want to celebrate with HIS twin

So celebrate without him

For the love of god...

You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

No. He doesn't want a party - he's not stopping you from having a party.

One of the most frustrating yet amusing thread I’ve seen on here this week 😂 #tonedeaf

The first sentence is what I don't understand. He does what he wants every year, which is nothing. There was nothing to stop you doing what you want every year, as the person you were replying to said - they celebrate how they want, separate from their twin.

I don't understand why you haven't done that. It doesn't matter if you have some of the same friends and family. Surely you have more people who are just your friends or family / in-laws? You could have done whatever you liked as a separate person and if people commented that it was his birthday too you could have just said yes, and he's celebrating how he wants.

I know we are separate people. I know we are not joined at the hip. I don't expect or even want us to everything together.

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

I have a very close friend who is constantly disappointed by her brother, and she finds it really hurtful. He is married and with children and although I am sure he loves his sister she isn't as important to him as he is to her so he will go on holidays etc that she has mentioned and she will get upset or annoyed that she isn't included.
It could just be that you feel closer to your brother then he does to you ? Perhaps even though you are twins you are fundamentally different people with different preferences.

Yes. But given the last 24 pages, to be honest I can well understand why he does it.

So he doesn’t send you a card or buy you a present?

I think most grown adults really wouldn't give a shit.

I was trying to be nice but you clearly need help! Swearing like a teenager that can't get their own way takes all of my feeling bad for you away. Get help before you lose those closest to you! Sincere advice!!

He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us

I wonder how many times growing up his wants were ignored and he was steamrolled into doing something. I hope you can reflect and apologize for trying to manipulate him into this party by using his wife and friends to try to pressure him.

No. He doesn't

OP do you know the definition of madness ? It’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. That’s what you’re doing here. Take a step back and give people some space. Maybe then they will come to you instead of you constantly seeking validation by putting yourself out to do things no-one wants or cares about, and then painting yourself as the victim because people don’t respond the way you want.

If he's an introvert, no, not at all. I have 2 introvert DC who I do quiet, private things with before my birthday. I never see my siblings on my birthday, one's at uni and the other's overseas. The only person I care about even remembering my birthday is my best friend.

Where is it written in stone that you and your twin MUST celebrate your birthday together, @loonyloo? Hint - there is no such rule!

Your brother isn’t stopping you having a party to celebrate your birthday - it’s your own weird belief that twins can’t celebrate differently that’s stopping you from having a party/going out for dinner/whatever. If anyone asks why your twin isn’t surgically attached to your hip, just tell them you and he are individuals who want to celebrate differently. Don’t blame him for your choice not to have parties in previous years!

You just don’t have the right to force him to celebrate his birthday the way YOU want to!

”But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party?”

Me. Hand on heart, I wouldn’t be hurt if my sister didn’t come to a milestone birthday.

Hinestly, it sounds as if you wouldn't care whether your brother enjoyed a party, as long as you were happy. I am willing to bet he’d be happy for you to have a party without him.